December 31, 2010 Leave a comment
Tipperary – It has lately been revealed that the most crucial Budget in the history of the State, the 2010 Lenihan Budget featuring €6 billion in spending cuts and an acceptance of the EU/IMF bailout, was passed by Dáil Éireann in exchange for a toilet.
In order for the Budget to be passed by the Dáil, the government required the support of two independent TDs, Michael Lowry and Jackie Healy-rae. Since the Dec. 7 Budget, Mr. Lowry has been bragging that he used his influence over the government’s Budget plans to secure a €43,000 toilet for Our Lady’s Secondary School in Templemore, Co. Tipperary.
Said Lowry, “This new toilet is a victory for the people of Tipperary and for Team Lowry. Whether it’s a No.1 or a No.2, the boys and girls of Our Lady’s Secondary School will enjoy the convenience of a comfortable, modern toilet.”
Added Lowry, “This is real politics, working in the service of local people.”
The Lenihan Budget is expected to cost the average family €3,500 a year in increased taxes and reduced social welfare. The deeply unpopular Fianna Fáil-led government has refused to call an election on these drastic measures, despite having lost all popular support. Less than 10% of Irish people want Brian Cowen to remain as Taoiseach, although he contains to make critical decisions regarding the nation’s future.
“There’s a lot of criticism of the Irish political system right now,” said Lowry. “But I think when people sit down on this toilet and think about it, they’ll realise that any system which allows its schoolchildren to have a little tinkle – or even a massive dump – in convenience and style is a society in which everything is functioning properly.”
“As long, of course, as you have someone like Michael Lowry representing you!” he chortled.
Mr. Lowry has had a chequered career as a politician. Once one of the leading lights of the Fine Gael party, he was made Minister for Transport, Energy and Communications in 1994. However, accusations of corruption swiftly emerged regarding the granting of a mobile phone license to Esat Telecom. At the 1997 McCracken Tribunal, it emerged that supermarket tycoon Ben Dunne had paid for a €400,000 extension to Lowry’s home.
“That extension was just resting in my account,” spluttered Lowry in 1997. “I swear there was nothing shady going on.”
However, such persuasive defences proved of no avail and Lowry was forced to resign both from the Cabinet and the Fine Gael party. Since then, his reputation for corruption and knowing ‘the right people’ has helped him top the poll in Tipperary North in 1997, 2002, and 2007.
“He’s a great man for getting things done,” said Mrs. Eleanor Gilfoyle (50), a resident of Thurles. “Lowry’s a man who’ll fight our corner up their in the Dáil. God knows, we need that now more than ever, given how our politicians have ruined the economy.”
“I’ve asked Michael Lowry if he can get my three sons visas for Australia,” she confided. “There’s no work or future in Ireland any more. And do you know what? He said he might know a man who could help, all on the QT, of course,” she said, tapping the side of her nose and giving a crafty wink.
Some other politicians were angry with Lowry and his covert deal making, however.
“Why should he get a toilet while our children are still pissin’ in buckets?” thundered Jackie Healy-rae. “Lowry only ever thinks of his own constituents and never about mine. I demand that the government immediately refurbish the toilet of CBS An Daingean, and give the children of South Kerry the same right to a good toilet as the rest of Ireland!”
Lowry, however, refused to apologise for his approach to Irish politics.
“Gombeenism is what Ireland is based on and there’s no better gombeen in Tipperary North than Michael Lowry,” he declared. “People say I have flushed the country down the toilet; if so, it was shiny new toilet paid for by other people, and that’s something I’m proud of.”
“Although we can’t actually flush the toilets at the moment because we don’t have any running water,” he added quickly as he saw someone going in to use it.