Budget Speech Announces Radical Austerity Cuts to Truth

Dublin – During his budget speech this week, Minister for Finance Michael Noonan said the time had come for hard choices to be made and announced swingeing cuts to the root cause of Ireland’s economic crisis – reality.

Noonan boldly gave two fingers to reality in his budget.

Noonan boldly gave two fingers to reality in his budget.

Said Noonan: “Since late 2008 this country has been reeling under the greatest crisis in our history. Under the guidance of our benevolent European overlords and the most holy mercy of the IMF, we have enacted vital austerity programmes in every area of public life, save the most crucial – the truth.

“It is time to recognise that the truth has gotten us into this mess and it won’t get us out of it. That’s why we desperately need to economise on the amount of truth in our public discourse.”

Mr. Noonan said that TDs needed to embrace the three D’s – deceit, dissimulation and duplicity – in order to stage a fightback against the crushing reality of Ireland’s situation. He used his budget speech to illustrate the many styles of deception available.

“There are manifest signs that the country is emerging from the worst of the crisis and that the efforts of the Irish people, despite the hardship, are leading to success,” declared Mr. Noonan, boldly opening up with outright bullshit.

“There are different measures of success however and in taking stock of where we are I would like to examine them,” he continued, injecting a healthy dose of ‘different perspectives on the truth’ to the mix.

Noonan later economised on his gestures, saying one finger to reality was enough.

Noonan later economised on his gestures, saying one finger to reality was enough.

“The first measure of success is whether the bail out programme is being fulfilled,” said Noonan, fighting reality by redefining ‘economic success’ so it had nothing to do with people having jobs. “If fulfilling the programme were the only measure of success then we are successful.”

Having bravely declared that Ireland was an economic success story, despite being bankrupt, Noonan then stepped up a gear by doing some audacious lying. “We will not dither or procrastinate but will drive forward to lead this country,” he exclaimed in a ringing voice that avoided mentioning that he, the Minister for Finance, was a geography teacher with a limited grasp of economics.

“We will continue to fulfil the conditions of the bail out programme, we will carefully plan full market return, we will build on the strong sectors of the economy and repair the weak sectors until they are strong again, we will grow the economy and create the jobs for which so many out of work and so many young people yearn,” he said, masterfully demonstrating how to acknowledge, and yet deny the existence of, reality.

Mr. Noonan had earlier claimed that there was no reason for the public to be anxious about the budget because “there’s lots of good thing in it.”

After the preamble, he then explained some of these good things:

  1. The economy was doing so well and the women of Ireland were so patriotic that maternity benefit would now be treated as a taxable income.
  2. Children were enjoying life without Playstations and iPads and shoes so much, and getting such good healthy doses of fresh air daily, that the government was cutting child benefit for the benefit of children.
  3. So much work will become available in the coming year that the duration of the jobseeker’s benefit could be cut by three months and hardly anyone would notice.
  4. Research had shown that people enjoyed wine more when it was more expensive, so the duty on wine would be raised to stimulate people’s enjoyment.
  5. Home carers found their vocations so personally rewarding and enriching that the government was dropping the whole sordid issue of money and pay altogether to encourage their spiritual brightness.

After detailing these and many other good things for Irish people in the greatest Budget ever heard anywhere in the universe ever, Mr. Noonan made some final remarks before he prepared to go outside to a victory parade in his honour, where comely maidens would shower him with their maternity benefits and kisses and somewhat more expensive wines.

Noonan explains exactly what he will do to the comely maidens.

Noonan explains exactly what he will do to the comely maidens.

“We have seen a total transformation in only twelve months!” bullshitted Noonan heroically. “Confidence is returning to Ireland! We are now well on the road to recovery so let’s look to the future with confidence.

“I commend this Budget to the House.”

And with that, the Confidence Fairy herself appeared and showered Ireland with riches and gifts and Michael Noonan’s hair grew back into long flowing locks and the rivers turned into fine wines which the people were allowed to drink in return for only a moderate government tax. And all was well in the Land of Confidence and Hope, once the stringent economies in reality had taken effect.

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