Irish Rebel Songs Updated to Include EU, IMF, FF

Lisdoonvarna – In the midst of an unprecedented national crisis, the Irish people have turned to traditional forms of art for solace, reviving one of their great music customs for a modern era.

As the nation slides steadily into bankruptcy, Irish balladeers are firing up audiences around the country by updating traditional rebel songs to include the three great enemies of modern Ireland: the EU, the IMF, and Fianna Fáil.

Rebel songs have undergone a surge in popularity, especially those aimed at FF.

Rebel songs have undergone a surge in popularity, especially those aimed at FF.

The Irish rebel song was a staple of Irish music culture during its long Occupation by the English, now often referred to as “the good old days,” when our problems were someone else’s fault and therefore someone else’s problems. Rebel songs extolled the virtues of Irish patriots struggling against tyrannical British rule and had rousing choruses guaranteed to raise the rafters off any barn in Roscommon.

Today’s rebel songs now extol the virtues of Irish freedom fighters resisting the tyrannical rule of the EU, the IMF, and Fianna Fáil.

Seamus Seoighe (63), a long time professional Irish-trad musician, said he’d never seen anything like it.

“God, I thought with this whole recession thing that business would be fair bad for the next few years,” said Mr. Seoighe in his broad Connemara accent. “But during an ould gig up in Galway, I just threw in some lines about the EU and didn’t the crowd go absolutely mental!”

“I even got a pair of knickers thrown at me head, which isn’t strictly trad culture, but we have to move with the times,” said Mr. Seoighe philosophically, before adding with an air of great delicacy, “I would ask the ladies to wash them first in future.”

The song in question, A Nation Once Again, has now become a staple of his act with its updated lyrics:

“And then I prayed I yet might see

Our interest rates rent in twain,

And Ireland, long an EU province, be

A Nation once again!”

Other classics of the genre have similarly found a new lease of life by a slight tinkering with the original lyrics. Said Mr. Seoighe, “Rantin’ about the Brits isn’t going to get you anywhere with a younger audience,” he said, shaking his head at the mysteries of time, which makes fools of all the things people once died for willingly. “Give them something about the IMF, though, and there’s pint glasses being smashed and lads dancin’ on tables and people roarin’ and shoutin’ like it’s a Munster final.”

Mr. Seoighe demonstrated how he had adapted the lyrics of the great ballad Roddy McCorley to youth sensibilities:

“Oh, see the fleet-foot striking men who speed with faces wan

From college and the dole queue because all the jobs have gone

They come with vengeance in their eyes; too late, too late are they

For the IMF has cut our throats and we’re in the Tomb today.”

However, Mr. Seoighe said that for sheer foaming-at-the-mouth utterly justifiable mob frenzy, nothing could beat a rebel song about Fianna Fáil.

“These young people aren’t as stupid as people might think,” said Mr. Seoighe, tipping his flap cap in respect to them. “They know those lads from the EU are just doing what’s best for their countries, and they know those boys from the IMF are just doing the job they’re paid to do.”

“It’s Fianna Fáil that are the modern day English oppressors, and that’s why I saved the best for them – Come Out Ye Black and Tans.”

“The day is coming fast

And it will soon be here at last

When Fianna Fáil is driven out of Ireland

And when FF is gone

Then we’ll all live as one

With no more fear of FF’s greedy hands

[chorus] Come out ye old Fianna Fáil hands!

Come out and fight me like a man!

Bring your property developers and your bankers.

You talk like big men now but we’ll run you out of town

‘Cause ye’re nothin’ but a bunch of fat ould wankers.”

And with that the crowd joined in, lustily belting out the chorus as pints were sunk in anticipation of the great day that’s coming fast, and will soon be here at last.

Thierry Henry Admits Handling Irish Economy in 2009

New York – In a frank interview with the New York Times, French footballing legend Thierry Henry has admitted what many have long suspected to be the case, that in 2009 he deliberately and with malice aforethought handled the Irish economy.

Thierry Henry's 'vavavoom' has been tarnished by his handling of the Irish economy.

Thierry Henry's 'vavavoom' has been tarnished by his handling of the Irish economy.

Henry, 33, currently playing with the New York Red Bulls, has delighted soccer fans for years with his graceful style and spectacular goals. However, controversy overshadowed his illustrious career in Nov. 2009 when many suspected that he had, in fact, deliberately handled the Irish economy.

Now Henry has come clean about his role in the disaster.

“First of all, I would like to say this is very difficile for me,” said Henry in a charming French accent. “I ‘ave never been a dirty player of the international stock market. There are people who play that way, but I ‘av never been one of them.”

“But, in Ireland’s case, I thought I would see ‘ow much I could get away with. I invested beaucoup l’argent in crazy property schemes; I borrowed freely from international banks; I deregulated all controls over l’economie; I bribed politicians for planning permission; I fostered a culture of reckless speculation and told everyone the taxpayers could bear the burden if anything went wrong.”

Asked the interviewer eagerly, “So you admit it?”

Henry took a deep breath and his shoulders lifted like a man released from a great weight. “Yes,” he said with relief. “It’s true. I did ‘andle the Irish economy in 2009.”

The Irish were all set to join the world’s elite nations when Henry’s handling of the economy threw them violently off course. Since then, Ireland’s prospects of ever making it to the top table have diminished rapidly as it descends to the level of Azerbaijan and Macedonia.

Dunphy believes Ireland may never get over Henry's disgraceful cheating and economic policies.

Dunphy believes Ireland may never get over Henry's disgraceful cheating and economic policies.

Controversial Irish pundit Eamon Dunphy was quick to condemn Henry’s actions.

“I said it at the time and I’ll say it to the grave,” said Dunphy passionately, shaking with a deep sense of injustice. “Thierry Henry is a cheat and liar. He’s not a footballing genius and he’s certainly not an economic genius. He’s a sham, a flimflam man, a blackguard.”

“The only place for him is in Fianna Fáil with the rest of them.”

Irish captain Robbie Keane was bitterly upset by the revelation but not exactly surprised.

“They were all against us, all waiting to jump on the little guys,” said Keane, spitting a mouthful of bile onto the ground by his feet. “I’ll bet they’re all up there texting each other their congratulations, Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini and Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy, the whole lot of them.”

“Henry’s as bad as any of them,” he added, kicking over a TV3 reporter in frustration.

Henry was also involved in a minor footballing incident of little consequence.

Henry was also involved in a minor footballing incident of little consequence.

However, not everyone blamed Henry. Senior Irish analyst John Giles said, “Thierry Henry did what any professional would do – steal the money and leave someone else holding the bag. In my opinion, it’s the officials who bear the blame for not seeing what he was up to.”

“I mean, who on Earth made Paddy Neary the financial regulator? He looks like John Cleese in the Ministry of Funny Walks!” Giles scoffed.

“He was practically the only person in Ireland who couldn’t see Thierry Henry handling the economy.”

One man always willing to disagree with popular opinion and tell the hard truth is single-minded Irish hero Roy Keane, who with typical candour refused to lay the blame on anyone but the Irish people.

“You can’t let bad debts bounce around in the danger zone like some kind of football,” said Keane. “You have to clear them out first time. Once we let them bounce in the box we were just asking for trouble.”

He knows it was your fault, and you know he knows.

He knows it was your fault, and you know he knows.

“Putting inexperienced young lads like Brian Lenihan and Brian Cowen into that situation was a disaster waiting to happen, and it’s your fault for putting them there!” he said coldly, turning his chilling gaze on the nation, who with terrifying certainty knew the truth, and knew that Keane knew they knew.

Despite protests, FIFA, UEFA, the EU, and the IMF said the results had already been officially recognised and there was no way to change them now.

Henry remains simultaneously repentant and uncaring, in classic Gallic fashion. “True, I would take it back if I could, just like the suicidal bank guarantee” he said.

“But merde happens,” he added with a shrug.

Cowen and Lenihan’s Modest Proposal: “All Bets Are On, Baby!”

Dublin – Stung by criticism that their economic policies favour wealthy bank bondholders at the expense of the Irish people, Taoiseach Brian Cowen and Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan have announced a modest proposal to restore confidence and stability in Ireland’s finances.

The Brians felt that wearing suits and standing up were essential to reassure markets of Ireland's financial stability.

The Brians felt that wearing suits and standing up were essential to reassure markets of Ireland's financial stability.

Speaking at a press conference in Dublin, Brian Cowen said, “We acknowledge that there is a great deal of anger running through the country at this moment.”

“The proposed new Budget will make life incomparably harder for all those people milling around outside the Golden Circle – whoever they might be.”

“The average peasant family will face tax hikes of up to €4,600. Unemployment of peons is set to increase rapidly as we lay off 20,000 public sector drones; 6,000 pencil-pushers and whiny nurses will be fired from the health service alone, most likely reducing average life expectancy for serfs; inflation for basic essentials such as food is rising, which may hurt those without fat expense accounts; moaning students will see fees go up dramatically, thus making education increasingly unaffordable for the grumbling masses.”

“All of this is perfectly in line with IMF/EU guidelines and yet for some reason you sheeple of Ireland seem to be enraged by it,” said Cowen, with a vexed air of perplexity.

“Why? You never cared when Charlie or Bertie fleeced you! Is it somethin’ about me you don’t like?” roared the Taoiseach, becoming ever more enraged.

Lenihan takes over the press conference as a furious Cowen is led away.

Lenihan takes over the press conference as a furious Cowen is led away.

“Well, FUCK YOU Ireland!” said Cowen, lunging threateningly at the audience before being restrained by FF minders who were on hand in case he said what he actually thought.

Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan then took charge of the press conference.

“I think what the Taoiseach means is that we agree completely with the Irish people,” said Mr. Lenihan, donning the knowledgeable air of competence that is so invaluable to those who don’t know what they’re doing. “It is completely unfair that these bondholders should be recompensed when they took free risks with their own money.”

“That’s why we have decided to extend the same guarantees to the people of Ireland.”

“As of now, every bet made with your own money of your own free will with any bookie in Ireland will be guaranteed by the Irish government.”

Irish people charge down to Paddy Power upon hearing the news.

Irish people charge down to Paddy Power upon hearing the news.

“This policy will guarantee confidence in the basic soundness of our economic decision making, create stability in international financial markets, reassure our EU partners, and make Ireland once again an attractive place for foreign investment.”

“Win or lose, it’s a win-win situation, boys,” said Lenihan with a reassuring wink.

After a few seconds of stunned silence the entire nation surged to its feet and charged down to the nearest Paddy Power to punt the house onto every available piece of action going.

Local man Marty Burgess (51) said that he’d never seen such excitement. “Sure, I was just looking over some upcoming Premiership fixtures to see if there was a decent accumulator out there,” said Mr. Burgess in shock. “When suddenly the doors burst open and a flood of people came screaming in, throwing money around and wanting to bet on Women’s European Basketball League Division 3 matches and the Leitrim Under-12 hurling championships and God knows what else.”

Debts to Paddy Power are no threat to the country's sovereignty, said Lenihan.

Debts to Paddy Power are no threat to the country's sovereignty, said Lenihan.

“I even saw Sean Fitzpatrick there clutching a fistful of fifties, bellowing something about the Gozo Division 2 soccer league,” he said, shaking his head.

Paddy Power estimated that it received bets last night totalling €70 billion, all of which is now owed to it by the State. Rumour has it that Paddy Power has sent some men round from the IMF to make sure there won’t be any attempt to weasel out of the debt.

Said Lenihan shaking his head, “Lads, we didn’t want ye to just go out and abuse the system like that,” he said, shaking his head. “What possessed ye to go so crazy?”

“What will the banks and financial markets think of such reckless behaviour?”

Jilted Nobel Committee Asks Obama to Return Peace Prize

Oslo – All great love stories end in heartbreak, and so it proved again last night in a snow-covered Oslo, bathed in the wistfully romantic glow of the Northern Lights.

With a heavy heart, but claiming the need to “be realistic about where this was going,” The Norwegian Nobel Committee has asked US President Barack Obama to return the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize.

Thorbjorn Jagland remembers the good times with Barack Obama.

Thorbjorn Jagland remembers the good times with Barack Obama.

Obama was a surprise choice for the award, given that he had no actual achievements to his name in 2009, but the Nobel Committee gave him the award because “very rarely has a person to the same extent as Obama captured the world’s attention and given its people hope for a better future.”

Thorbjorn Jagland, chairman of the Peace Prize Committee, said with barely suppressed distress, “I know now that it was a hopelessly romantic ideal. There was no way it could ever actually have worked; the world isn’t ready for such love…” Then his lower lip quivered and he choked back a sob.

“You were so amazing back then,” he continued with a pained smile. “I still remember when you first walked onto the international stage, the way you seemed so confident and articulate and intelligent and charming – we just thought anything was possible.”

“And, of course, we had a real thing for black men, and were kind of curious because we’d never had one before.”

“But we have to be realistic about this, Barack,” he continued, blinking back tears. “It was a foolish dream, and the foolish dreams of millions of people don’t amount to more than a hill of beans in this crazy world.”

“We’ll always have Oslo,” he said weakly, brushing a tear from his cheek.

Jagland publicly declares his love by giving a somewhat uncomfortable Obama the Nobel Peace Prize.

Jagland publicly declares his love by giving a somewhat uncomfortable Obama the Nobel Peace Prize.

While the relationship began brightly, reality came crashing down when it became apparent that Obama’s much talked about ‘stimulus’ was too small to excite the global economy. Then he had all sorts of medical problems involving insurance that took years to sort out, even as the situation across the world got steadily worse, with Israel and Palestine further from peace than ever, North Korea and Iran becoming increasingly belligerent, climate change talks hopelessly stalled and the Eurozone lurching from crisis to crisis.

“He just wasn’t the man I thought I knew before I knew him,” said Mr. Jagland sadly.

Sources close to the relationship say it began to sour when Obama insisted he needed to spend more time on his career.

“I mean, I knew from the start he was a politician,” said Mr. Jagland, trying not to look resentful. “I knew that as President he would have to make hard choices between competing claims for justice, and obviously he couldn’t satisfy everyone.”

“But I thought our relationship was special. I thought it meant something to him,” Mr. Jagland said before breaking down in tears.

Pulling a face of sheer hatred, Mr. Jagland snarled, “I blame it on his wife. She manipulates him so badly.”

“Now we just want the Peace Prize back so we can give it someone more deserving,” he shrieked.

When Mr. Obama finally made himself available by telephone for comment he asked, “Who? What prize?”

“Oh, the Peace Prize!” he said with the air of someone desperately trying to recall a first name. “Sure, I haven’t forgotten you, sweetheart, I’ve just been real busy lately, you know crazy it is here at work.”

“I mean, the economy’s just going to hell and the Korean situation is starting to look really worrying.”

Obama counts to 10 and begs the Lord to give him strength.

Obama counts to 10 and begs the Lord to give him strength.

“And then there’s the goddamned Irish!” Obama blurted out in frustration. “I mean, you wouldn’t believe the headaches they’re causing everyone right now. Jeez…”

Mr. Jagland started screaming incoherently about “promises whispered in moonlit gardens fragrant with cherry blossoms” down the phone at Mr. Obama, much to everyone’s discomfort.

“Look,” said Obama firmly. “I don’t know what you think I said, but I never gave you any reason to believe… now just hold on, don’t get hysterical… well you do sound a little bit overwrought… I never asked you to give me your Peace Prize… Look, I’ll call you when you’ve calmed down a bit, OK? Jeez…”

Mr. Obama hung up the phone and rolled his eyes. “These Europeans are more trouble than they’re worth,” he said, vowing never again to seduce any people who couldn’t behave like adults.

FF Backs Cowen to Deliver Crucial Knicker Vote

Dublin – Although he has been under pressure to resign in recent days due to his disastrous handling of Ireland’s national affairs and total disregard for democratic legitimacy, Brian Cowen was give a boost last night as Fianna Fáil TDs unanimously declared their belief that he was the man to win over the crucial knicker vote in the coming election.

Internal surveys by the Fianna Fáil party have shown that the key swing demographic will be 18-35 year-old single women, the so-called “knicker vote,” which will be pivotal in determining the party’s electoral success – or failure.

FF are relying on Cowen's raw sex appeal to win them the election.

FF are relying on Cowen's raw sex appeal to win them the election.

Minister for Enterprise, Trade, and Innovation Batt O’Keeffe said, “People have been saying for a while now that we should get rid of Brian and get a new leader just because the Taoiseach has shown a level of incompetence and arrogance unparalleled in the history of Irish government.”

“But what those people are forgetting is Brian’s key strength – his rugged, manly sex appeal. With Brian as our leader, we can win over the knicker vote and hold onto power.”

Female Fianna Fáil TDs were unstinting in their praise of Cowen’s powerful masculine charms.

“God, it gives me goose bumps every time I walk into Cabinet!” said Tánaiste Mary Coughlan, giggling like an excited schoolgirl at a Jedward concert. “The first time I was actually face-to-face with him I just went weak at the knees. The photographs can’t prepare you for how debonair he is, or the sheer animal magnetism lurking like a beast beneath that suit.”

“I just want to cover him in Nutella and then lick it off,” she added with slow relish.

However, Fianna Fáil strategists have been quick to point out that Cowen’s sophisticated man-of-the-world charms may be lost on the key demographic.

Cowen demonstrates his ability to draw the knicker vote.

Cowen demonstrates his ability to draw the knicker vote.

Laura Dillon (43), a stylishly dressed PR consultant for Fianna Fáil, said, “While the Taoiseach is undoubtedly the only man in Ireland who can compare with Pat Kenny, we need to emphasise his attractiveness for the younger generation.”

“I mean, I’d rip my clothes off if he just gave me the merest suggestive wink,” she said with a risque laugh. “Who wouldn’t? But to reach a younger age group we need to market his image in a way we know they like.”

Having surveyed the tastes of 18-35 year-old women, Dillon has convinced FF that it needs to emphasise the similarities between the Taoiseach and the heartthrob star of the Twilight series, Edward Pattinson.

“The comparison is just obvious to me,” said Dillon, looking in wonder at photos of the two men. “They’re like twins separated at birth.”

“It’s not just their chiselled good looks. They each have that air of being a mysterious outsider, someone not understood by their community because of their special powers.”

“When I see the Taoiseach single-handedly saving the country from disaster and yet being insulted at every turn, my heart goes out to him like a young Bella begging to turned into a vampire so she can truly be with her man.”

Pattinson ran a close second to Pat Kenny in a "sexiest man alive" poll among women 18-35.

Pattinson ran a close second to Pat Kenny in a "sexiest man alive" poll among women 18-35.

Cowen has recently been making every effort to tap into the appeal of Twilight. After explaining the conditions of the EU bailout and how the people of Ireland would have to spend decades paying it off through higher taxes, reduced public services, and reduced social welfare, he suddenly turned and spoke to the camera in a husky, intense voice.

“Know this, Ireland,” he said breathily, turning the full force of his irresistible charm on the nation. “I will never let anyone harm you. I will always be here to save you, no matter how hard you try to send me away.”

“I’m feeling very protective of you right now,” he added smokily.

Mary Hanafin, Minister for Tourism, Culture, and Sport, was blown away by his performance.

“God, when he looked right through the camera at me like that, I thought we were the only two people in the world!” she gushed. “I had to rush home and change my underwear.”

“Some people say Fianna Fáil are out of touch with what the Irish people want. Let’s hear them say that now!” she declared triumphantly, still glowing from ‘the Cowen twilight,’ as FF are now calling it.

“Once we bring out the Taoiseach swimsuit calendar, this election is in the bag.”

Colin Farrell Sees Budget, Decides to Stay in Bruges

Bruges – For many the city is like a fairytale, with its quaint old-fashioned buildings, famous cathedral, and pleasant outdoor cafes exuding continental charm and sophistication. For apprentice hitman Colin Farrell, though, Bruges was a place of torment and guilt that he famously compared to hell.

However, having just seen the Irish Budget in a newspaper, Farrell has decided he might be better off staying in Bruges for a while.

"I used to hate this place, but it's starting to grow on me," admitted Farrell.

"I used to hate this place, but it's starting to grow on me," admitted Farrell.

Said Farrell, “I used to hate it here. I mean, all this storybook picturesque medieval shite might impress some retard from the country, but not someone who grew up in Dublin.”

“Although Dublin looks to be on its way back to the 18th century as we speak,” he reflected.

“And then there’s the people here, what with Canadian tourists taking a swipe at ya with bottles and that Yank dwarf who keeps talking about the coming race war between the black midgets and the white midgets. I mean, I just couldn’t wait to get the fuck out of here,” said Farrell as he strolled alongside the peaceful Dijver canal towards the renowned Church of Our Lady.

However, Bruges has started to grow on Farrell now that he’s seen what’s waiting for him back home.

“Yeah, I mean, when I first got here I couldn’t wait to get back to Ireland. Well, not Ireland so much as Dublin, ‘coz the rest of the country’s full of boggers and farms and shit.”

“But then I saw what’s comin’ – an extra €1.9 billion in fuckin’ income tax? VAT up to 23%? Water charges and a fuckin’ site valuation tax? Will I have any money left?”

Colin Farrell reacts to news of the recent Irish Budget.

Colin Farrell reacts to news of the recent Irish Budget.

“I’d probably have to shoot 2 or 3 people a week just to keep up with government charges,” said Farrell despondently. “I don’t think I could do it, unless somebody hired me to start taking out bankers, in which case I’d offer them a discount price, you know?”

“And everyone in Fianna Fuckin’ Fáil will get theirs anyway, as a Christmas present.”

Farrell was particularly upset by the cuts to social welfare, the pensions, and the minimum wage.

“I mean, everyone I fuckin’ know back home is on the fuckin’ dole,” said Farrell, gesturing helplessly at Bruges’ beautiful cityscape, with its cobblestone old town and happy citizens enjoying the benefits of living in a country not run by Fianna Fáil. “If you cut that, they’ll just have to start robbin’ more people in order to make ends meet.”

“And then they’re cuttin’ granno’s pension as well!” he said in disbelief. “Sure now we’ll have to start goin’ abroad to rob people to support her as well. I may as well just stay here and rob tourists, then post the money back to Ma.”

Farrell pointed at some morbidly obese American tourists wobbling elephantinely down the Dweersstraat clutching shopping bags loaded with tacky souvenirs. “It’d be like being on safari,” he said with a roguish wink.

According to Farrell, some of his gangster connections back home are having a hard time finding anything to rob.

"I'm the Irish people, and he's Fianna Fáil," explained Farrell.

"I'm the Irish people, and he's Fianna Fáil," explained Farrell.

“Some of the lads back home tried to rob a bank, but there wasn’t any money in it,” said Farrell gloomily. “They weren’t so sad about it though; they just waited for the cops to come so they could be jailed. Free rent and three meals a day? I tell ya, not a bad option in this day and age.”

“One of the lads even shot the bank manager just to get an extra ten years, and out of pure principle. They’re calling him the Irish Robin Hood.”

Sitting down at a café in the Markt to a fine Belgian beer brewed by Trappist monks in a small monastery outside Kortrijk, Farrell looked out at the city he used to hate and said reflectively, “I suppose I could stay here for another while.”

“There’s no rush to get back, you know?”

O’Driscoll’s One-Handed Bar Pick-up Inspires Nation

Dublin – As the IMF bear down on Ireland’s weakly defended territory like a rampaging All-Black forward maul, the nation can still take pride in the heroics of legendary rugby captain Brian O’Driscoll, who added another highlight to his glittering scoring career last Saturday night with the wondrous one-handed bar pick-up of PwC girl No. 4.

O'Driscoll has long been one of Ireland's best and most successful players.

O'Driscoll has long been one of Ireland's best and most successful players.

O’Driscoll (31), long regarded within the sport as one of the most instinctive and natural talents at bar pick-ups, thrilled fans with a superb exhibition of timing, deftness, speed and sheer opportunism as he homed in on the fabled PwC girl No.4 and swept her across the line into his bedroom scoring area.

His teammates were quick to praise O’Driscoll’s outstanding score.

“Yeah, what can you say about him?” said winger Tommy Bowe, shaking his head in undisguised admiration. “I mean, it was only a quarter chance really, it didn’t look on at all, but with Drico’s great hands and sure touch he just made it look easy.”

“But it’s not just natural talent,” said Bowe. “He’s out there every evening practicing and honing his skills in bars across Dublin. It’s that application that makes him the greatest.”

O’Driscoll is currently the leading scorer in Irish rugby history, easily surpassing previous debonair womanisers like Brendan Mullin and blonde bombshell Simon Geoghagan. O’Driscoll burst onto the scene with a marvellous hat-trick in Paris in 2000, when he scored three times in the space of 80 minutes, and hasn’t looked back since.

O'Driscoll's famed pick-up skills sometimes come in handy in rugby too.

O'Driscoll's famed pick-up skills sometimes come in handy in rugby too.

Rugby expert Tony Ward said O’Driscoll was a national treasure. “Most players don’t even make it to 100 caps, and those who do are pretty much thinking about getting married and hanging up their disco pants. The great thing about Brian is he still has the hunger for it, even after all this time at the top.”

“Just look at how much work he had to do on Saturday to get PwC girl No. 4 down. I mean, even after the pick-up he still had two or three All-Blacks in his way, hovering around to see if they could maybe steal possession, but Brian just twisted around them and powered on to score. Great determination.”

Added Ward, “I was a bit of a player myself back in the day, but nothing like Brian.”

All-Black scrum-half Andrew Ellis was one of those in attendance when O’Driscoll made his wonderful pick-up and drive. “Yeah, I was in there trying my best to stop him, and maybe turn the ball over and give me a run. We’d heard all about PwC girl No. 4 and I was really hoping to have a crack at her myself.”

"Keith Wood would never have scored at all without good teamwork from me and the lads," said O'Driscoll.

"Keith Wood would never have scored at all without good teamwork from me and the lads," said O'Driscoll.

“But if anyone’s going to get a score like that, I’m glad it was Brian. He’s been such a great player for so long, and he showed it again Saturday night.”

O’Driscoll himself was typically modest about his achievements.

“Well, it’s a team game,” he said. “There’s no such thing as an individual score. There were a lot of defenders around her, like the ugly girl and the gay man that every pretty girl arms herself with on a night out. I needed some of the lads to get in there and take them out so I could have a run.”

“I’ve set up a fair number of scores for them as well in the past. I mean, how else would Keith Wood ever have gotten so many if I wasn’t there to create the chances?”

“Of course I’m happy to be the one who got the glory, and it was a really great feeling to score with such a prestigious opponent, but all credit has to go the lads for fine preparatory work, and particularly Jamie [Heaslip], who was willing to play the role of the drunken arsehole harassing her so that I could play the good guy and come to the rescue.”

The fabled PwC Girl No. 4 said she was thrilled to have been part of such a wondrous score.

The fabled PwC Girl No. 4 said she was thrilled to have been part of such a wondrous score.

The last word must go to the fans who toasted O’Driscoll`s name across Ireland on Saturday night.

“Sure, he’s a fuckin’ genius!” said Harry Gowney (59) of Glasnevin. “I’ve seen them all – Mike Gibson, Willie John McBride, Tony O’Reilly – and there was never one like Drico for penetrating a defensive line and getting right into the danger zone.”

“When you think about all the things going wrong in this country right now, it’s enough to make you shoot yourself – or preferably your local politician and banker – but when you see committed young players like Drico gettin’ out there and givin’ it everythin’ where it counts, it makes you think there’s hope for this country yet.”

“No one deserves PwC girl No. 4 more than Drico,” he added stoutly.

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