Wall Street Worried God’s Wrath Getting Wrathier

New York – As Hurricane Sandy bears down on the spires of New York, financiers on Wall Street are increasingly nervous that this is only the latest sign that God’s wrath waxes as the enemies of his people remain unsmoted.

The wrath of God descends on NYC to bring righteous justice to Wall Street, random Japanese tourists.

“Hey, why would he be angry with me?” asked Felix Huffington III (34), a senior bond trader at Goldman Sachs as he hurriedly took down a plaque proudly declaring: Never have so many suffered so much for the benefit of so few. “I mean, I’m only doing what the Protestant work ethic tells me.”

As lightning bolts blazed across the darkening horizon. Mr. Huffington III turned pale. “Jesus, I only took that bonus to glorify your name,” he whispered fervently.

After the GFC in 2008, many expected that those responsible for the economic collapse would be punished heavily. However, after intensive lobbying of both political parties in Washington, executive pay and bonuses on Wall Street have quickly returned to pre-crisis levels even as conditions for the average worker decline.

Now, recent events suggest that God, frustrated by the limited human understanding of justice, has decided to step in and smite the evildoers himself.

Anxious Wall Street traders watch the weather forecast.

“Yeah, we’d all been receiving signs for some time,” said Mathilda Heerenveen (41), an investment fund manager for Bank of America. “But those tornadoes really made it obvious.”

“I mean, tornadoes in Brooklyn? What is this, fucking Kansas?” she snapped as she lit another cigarette. “And now we got a super-hurricane heading straight for us? There’s only one explanation for all that.”

“God has taken sides with Michael Moore. Well, now we know where He stands,” she sneered.

While some financiers have fled the oncoming storm, Ms. Heerenveen has helped organise a classic Wall Street response.

“This is no worse than all those lefty pinko demonstrations after the GFC,” she said to an assembly of traders and investment managers as the wind howled outside the towers of Manhattan. “You all know the drill. Don’t pussy out like Huffington III – let’s get to work!”

“We’d help them if they actually did have a yellow brick road,” said Ms. Heerenveen.

Stage one of the Wall Street strategy is to sow confusion about the actual causes of the violent weather phenomena plaguing New York.

“Well, obviously they’re instruments of God’s wrath,” said Ms. Heerenveen disgustedly. “His aim was a little off because he’s out of practice, but it fits his MO perfectly – lightning bolts, giant hailstones, it’s all there in the Bible.”

“So in order to stop people realising that it’s God’s righteous vengeance against the wicked, we’ve been promoting the concept of…” She looked down through her notes with a look of intellectual disdain. “… climate change.”

“Yeah, we have our people out there now promoting the idea that business activity is making the world warmer.” She shrugged and exhaled a stream of smoke at the scurrying populace on the rain-swept streets below. “I don’t where our boys come up with this shit, but once you buy a few pet scientists the plebs will believe anything.”

Having shifted public attention from the iniquities of the selfish to carbon emissions, Wall Street has then gotten down to the serious business of lobbying the deities of the universe for special sin exemptions and amnesties for moral malefactors.

“It’s just climate change!” said Ms. Heerenveen unconvincingly as God’s wrath closed in on Wall Street.

“Christianity teaches us to worship God and shun the Devil,” said Ms. Heerenveen. “But here on Wall Street we learn not to pick sides like that. That’s why we’ve rented a church and some bishops downtown to pray for our souls.”

“Then the bishops are going to burn the Bible and profane some altar boys in praise of Satan, just to cover our bases.”

“Whoever triumphs in the great cosmic struggle between Good and Evil, his prick will be in Wall Street’s back pocket.”

As the ‘Frankenstorm’ bore down on the beleaguered city, Wall Street’s finest lit up Cuban cigars, safe in the knowledge that not even God could defeat the stock market.

Obama Admits Taking Performance Enhancing Drugs in 2008

Washington – With polls showing the American presidential election is currently a dead heat despite President Obama holding an 8-point lead in September, many Americans have been questioning how the uncertain and stumbling Obama was able to produce such a flawless election campaign in 2008.

Now, after weeks of rumours and allegations inside the Beltway, President Obama has finally come clean and admitted that he did, in order to win the 2008 election, take performance enhancing drugs.

After announcement, Obama instantly regrets not taking Lance Armstrong’s advice.

Said Obama: “I wish to apologise to all those who believed in me, my wife, my family, the Nobel Peace Prize Committee. I so wanted to be the man everyone believed me to be. But when I looked at plain old Barry Obama in the mirror, I just knew the truth – no, I couldn’t.”

“At least not without some artificial stimulus,” he added, to the joy of Republican spindoctors.

Obama swept to the presidency in 2008 with consistent displays of superb oratory that inspired a generation. However, since then his public performances have been erratic, causing many to wonder if there was something suspect about his earlier triumphs.

“Yeah, I knew it was too good to be true,” sighed Elaine Schuppter (43), a registered nurse in Brooklyn’s troubled Brownsville neighbourhood. “This is the greatest democracy in the world! How on earth is a black man ever supposed to be president? There’s no way someone can overcome the handicap of being black to become the Leader of the Free World.”

“Leastways not unless he’s got some serious voodoo.”

A drug-enhanced Obama inspired America in 2008, creating unrealistic expectations of what humans can do.

While some Americans suspected all along that Obama was taking performance enhancing drugs, the rumours began to spread this summer as disaffected members of Obama’s team leaked information to the press. First, his personal physician told of Obama’s involvement with the shady Dr. Michele Ferrari, then his masseuse revealed that Obama had asked her to use make-up to hide needle puncture marks.

Then earlier this month a caretaker at Atlanta’s South View Cemetery revealed that in 2007 he had seen Obama digging at Martin Luther King’s grave at midnight in the company of an infamous New Orleans witchdoctor.

As evidence mounted, Obama was forced to come clean. “My fellow Americans, let me say this: I did not have sexual relations with the corpse of Martin Luther King.” The president paused while his aides unsuccessfully attempted to get a supportive round of applause. “However, some of the other rumours may have foundations that are much less uncertain.”

“Specifically, in order to heal this nation and wipe the stain of the original sin of slavery from the great tapestry of American life, I did, in order to fulfil the hopes and the trust a generation had placed in me, inject bull testosterone and the crushed larynx of Martin Luther King into my anus.”

As he looked out at the sea of shocked faces, Obama remarked: “Man, I could do with some of that good shit right now.”

Obama wishes he had kept some of that good shit for the re-election campaign.

The president explained that remark by saying they’d used up the whole larynx by November of 2008 and since then he has resorted to using the desiccated testicles of Jimmy Carter, with diminishing effect.

As the news sank in, many Americans declared that they were outraged. “I’m outraged!” said Mel Vinocur (34), an assistant district attorney from Kentucky. “I used to look up to Mr. Obama as one of the great orators of our time. Now I find out that he was just shoving the supercharged voodoo voicebox of Martin Luther King up his butt? It’s outrageous!”

“But that Jimmy Carter thing does explain a lot,” he conceded.

A handful of loyal supporters rallied outside the White House in support of Obama. “I don’t care what you did,” sobbed Becky Noob (22), a graphic design student. “It was never about the bull testosterone or whose balls you were shoving up your ass. It was all about you! We can still reimagine America.”

Her voice faltered and a single tear rolled down her cheek and stained her well-worn pop art T-shirt of Barack Obama. “Yes, we can,” she whimpered before blowing her nose in the American flag, to the joy of Republican spindoctors.

Despite the damage done to Obama’s image, pollsters say the race remains a dead heat as voters are equally concerned about Romney’s magic Mormon underwear.

Time Defends Nude Photos of Enda Kenny

Dublin – Representatives of Time magazine today defended their decision to publish, as part of their special issue on ‘The Celtic Comeback,’ photos of Taoiseach Enda Kenny in the nude.

“Stop concentrating on the smaller picture!”

Catherine Mayer, the European editor of Time, said: “Our coverage of Enda Kenny was comprehensive yet balanced. The nude photos were really only a small part of our feature. It’s just so typical of the Irish to focus on the smaller picture.”

When asked if the smaller picture was the one in which the naked Taoiseach’s erection was tastefully obscured by a shamrock, Ms. Mayer replied: “Yes, that one.”

Time magazine is regarded as one of the world’s leading political journals, having anticipated many of the century’s major developments. It made Adolf Hitler its ‘Man of the Year’ in 1938 for his efforts to bring about peace in Europe. In 1939 it gave the award, again for humanitarian work for peace, to Josef Stalin. It also named George W. Bush ‘Man of the Year’ – twice.

“Yeah, well, you get hits and misses,” said Ms. Mayer dismissively. “But our coverage of Enda Kenny is definitely a hit. The guy deserves recognition. And Time is committed to recognising his achievements, even if some of them had to obscured with a four-leaf clover.”

Ms. Mayer explained that she was motivated to do the cover story both by her desire to correct misperceptions of Enda Kenny in Ireland and her desire to see him in the buff.

Kenny joins such luminaries as Hitler, Stalin, and George W. Bush on the cover of Time.

“Sometimes you can really see things better from a distance,” said Ms. Mayer. “But Enda Kenny is someone you need to see up close and personal. The Irish are both too far away and too close to the problem simultaneously. They know unemployment is sky high, but not that Enda Kenny has a really nice butt.”

“What they need to see is both their Taoiseach’s virile masculine physique and that Ireland’s GDP has started inching up again after it’s catastrophic fall.”

When asked what that meant for unemployed, Ms. Mayer became exasperated. “Honestly, all of this has been explained by America’s finest economists! If your GDP goes up, then the whole pie gets bigger, so it doesn’t matter if you personally are getting less pie. What matters is there’s a lot more pie for you to have less of. And if most people are having less pie, that just leaves a lot more pie for their children.”

“To have less of.” She paused for a moment. “You’ll have to ask Mitt Romney for details. I think it’s 47% more pie for all those having less, or something like that.”

She apologised for being a bit inarticulate and said the photo of Enda Kenny cheekily looking over his shoulder at the camera while his hand slipped his underwear off one ass-cheek had momentarily flustered her.

After a glass of water, she explained that she was fed up with Irish perceptions of the Taoiseach as a political lightweight. “Enda Kenny is someone who has a gulf between the way he’s perceived in his own country and the way he’s perceived abroad. Irish people need to understand that Enda Kenny is the poster boy as far as the European Central Bank is concerned.”

Admittedly, this photo can make anyone lose their train of thought.

Upon being asked if she meant the same ECB that illegally forced Ireland to buy out bondholders of insolvent banks, thus forcing the Irish people to shoulder billions of dollars of someone else’s losses, Ms. Mayer replied: “Yes, that ECB.”

“The one whose actions towards Ireland were considered so needlessly harsh that even the IMF objected?” asked Michael Dooley of the Irish Times.

“Yes!” said Ms. Mayer irritably. “I mean, really, do you Irish have to be so narrow-minded about these things? If the ECB hits you, and then says it loves you, then that’s real love, right? There’s no loss of respect involved. That’s why publishing nude photos of the Taoiseach at this time is appropriate, so the ECB can realise it loves you all the more.”

Ms. Mayer concluded by saying criticisms of Time and Enda Kenny were unwarranted. “We wanted to show everyone just how well Ireland is doing by showing its political leader in the nude playing with an anal dildo shaped like a euro. Is that a crime?”

“Well, maybe, if we don’t advertise the magazine is for over-18s. But, anyway, I think the Irish people need to stand up and salute Enda Kenny.”

“After all, he’s standing up to salute you, even if you can’t see it behind the shamrock.”

JK Rowling to Write Fifty Shades of Hogwarts

London – Upset by the news that EL James’ Fifty Shades of Grey has surpassed Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows as the best-selling novel in British history, JK Rowling today said she was determined to regain her crown by targeting both the young adult and porn-addicted housewife markets.

JK Rowling laments not putting some steamy bedroom action into Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Said Rowling: “I am always conscious of the changing needs of book lovers, and the new desire for books that can be held one handed. My unique brand of whimsical fantasy is no longer in vogue.”

“Instead, this is,” she added, holding a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey at arm’s length with her fingertips, as if it were the oft-used ass-clamp of Christian Grey.

Traditionally, British readers have been too repressed to buy porn that wasn’t written by DH Lawrence. However, Fifty Shades of Grey somehow reached an elusive tipping point and became that rarest of things – socially acceptable middle-class porn. Now it is being sold out of large bins at supermarket checkouts, while the red-faced British public pretends to discuss its literary merits and social significance.

“I’ve studied it very closely,” said Rowling with grudging respect. “It seems sexually frustrated middle-aged women like reading the same descriptions over and over again. Christian Grey is either an ‘Adonis’, ‘flashing his grey eyes’, or ‘throbbing’. And whenever he hogties a woman and straps her to his punishment bench for a spanking, it’s important she participates out of feminist principles.”

“When his gloved hand smacks her buttocks so hard it looks like she has a baboon’s ass, it has to be a spiritual awakening for her inner goddess,” added Rowling.

“Sorry, but gingers just aren’t sexy,” said Rowling dismissively.

Rowling said that Hermione’s first sexual experience would not be with long-term boyfriend Ron Weasley but an older member of the Hogwarts community

“Obviously, some adolescent fumblings between Hermione and Ron aren’t going to excite anyone,” remarked Rowling. “He is a ginger after all. No, Hermione needs someone older, more experienced, more mature, preferably with a huge rock-hard cock. I think you all know who I’m talking about.”

She then read aloud from Chapter 4 of Fifty Shades of Hogwarts.

Hermione gasped as he ripped off his well-tailored trousers, revealing a throbbing member so huge it blocked her view of the towers of Hogwarts. ‘O! It’s magnificent!’ she gasped. ‘I never imagined it could be so big!’ Suddenly the fragile chrysalis of her girlhood fell away and she felt her inner goddess blossom inside her like a rapidly enlarging phallus.

From down on her knees, she looked up at the man who had so long been her friend but could see little around the thick shaft of his throbbing manhood. From this perspective she had difficulty telling the difference between his bushy beard and his Adonis-like pubic hair.

Hagrid’s grey eyes flashed. “Och aye, there’s something ye should ken before I let ye touch it,” he growled in a manly Scottish accent. “I donnae make love or any o’ tha’ shite. I like ta fuck – hard.”

As the novel progresses, Hermione discovers her inner goddess really loves being a dominatrix and proceeds to dominate Hagrid using her superior magic.

“I don’t make love. I like to fuck – hard.”

“No, nooooo, I cannae do it now, I’m busy!” protested Hagrid. But Hermione’s inner goddess demanded only submission to her fulminating female desires. No more would a man make excuses to her, such as ‘It’s been a long day,’ or ‘I have to walk the giant spiders.’ As a woman, she was entitled to everything she wanted, whenever she wanted it, with whomever she wanted it with.

Engorgio!” she commanded, pointing her wand at his flaccid penis. Hagrid’s grey eyes flashed helplessly as his erection throbbed before her divine feminine power and beauty. “Spankiarmus!” Her broom gave his meaty behind a firm paddling as she watched like the queen she and every woman was born to be. “Cunnilingustus!” As his wet tongue worshipped her womanhood, her inner goddess swelled with a greater love for herself and her glorious female body than she had ever known…

The novel ends with Hermione realising that the male Muggle world is hers for the taking and she proceeds to sexually overpower leading Muggle heartthrobs such as George Clooney, Johnny Depp, Robert Pattinson, Jude Law, and all of One Direction simultaneously.

Emma Watson said she was excited to reprise her role as Hermione, spank Robert Pattinson.

Advance sales of the book have already reached the fifty million mark and women are already queuing by the ‘mommy porn’ bins at Sainsbury’s with large buckets of chocolate ice cream and Australian Shiraz. A statement by EL James said the author was rushing to meet demand with her own young adult porn fantasy, Christian Grey and the Trouser-Snake of Slitherin.

For fans of young adult fantasy and bored housewife porn, the future looks as rosy as Hermione’s delicately teased nipples. “I think the strong competition makes this a great era for British literature,” said Rowling. “Just imagine what Shakespeare and Dickens could achieve if they were alive today.”

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