Palestinians Send Aid Convoy to Ireland

The Palestinian aid ship, the Tahafut-al-Tahafut, has embarked on an aid mission to Ireland, said the Palestinian-Irish Solidarity Campaign yesterday. The ship, carrying emergency supplies of warm blankets, canned tomatoes, and olives, set sail for Cork to cheers from supporters, who hope that these desperately needed supplies can reach their destination in time.

Palestinian aid ship Tahafut-al-Tahafut prepares to bring vital supplies to Ireland.

Palestinian aid ship Tahafut-al-Tahafut prepares to bring vital supplies to Ireland.

Yasser Said, chairman of the Palestinian-Irish Solidarity Campaign, said, “The Palestinian people have become increasingly concerned about Ireland’s descent into economic chaos and we fear what may happen without international humanitarian assistance. Generally, we emphasise developmental goals with micro-finance loans for the struggling people, but the situation seems particularly critical this winter and we felt more direct aid was necessary.”

“I’m only sorrow we couldn’t send any goat’s milk for the children.”

Whereas Ireland seemed to be making tentative steps towards becoming a fully functioning state in the last decade, the past two years have seen it regress to its traditional Third World status as its economy collapsed under the twin pressures of internal corruption and a global recession.

Palestinians respond to news of Ireland's four-year austerity budget plan.

Palestinians respond to news of Ireland's four-year austerity budget plan.

“The sight of all those poor Irish scattered in ghettoes around the world made tears like waterfalls come to my eyes,” said Amel Jarbuni, a mother of four who lives in an overcrowded tenement building in the Gaza Strip. “I know we don’t have much, ever since my husband died in the Israeli attack in 2008 and what with the embargo and all, but when I see those poor Irish being driven from their homeland to live in ghettoes in Boston, or Vancouver, or Melbourne…” She paused to wipe her eyes and choke back a sob before finishing, “I just felt I had to do something.”

Some Palestinians felt, however, that sending aid was misguided. Bilaal Erekat, a taxi driver who faces hours of Israeli security checks daily in the hope of getting through and maybe earning enough to feed his extended family, said, “Look, I feel for the plight of the Irish as much as anybody, but it’s pointless to give aid to a country with corrupt governance. All that money and food will just be redirected to the families of Fianna Fáil TDs, and the people will get nothing. You know this to be true. I’d love to help, but we can’t really do anything for them until they have a credible government that has been elected in free and fair elections.”

Erekat’s suspicions seemed to be confirmed last night as the conspicuously well-fed Irish Taoiseach Brian Cowen broadcast a statement saying, “The Irish people welcome this shipment from our friends the Palestinians, and on behalf of the Irish people I and a division of Fianna Fáil members will show up to take charge of the shipment.”

“We’ll make sure it goes to the people who want it.”

Aid ships remain closely watched by international bond market gunboats.

Aid ships remain closely watched by international bond market gunboats.

The aid convoy may never reach its destination, however, as international bond markets have strongly condemned the move as inflammatory and illegal. “This aid shipment is in clear breach of Ireland’s legal status as a vassal state of the international bond markets,” said Sir Humphrey Wilkinson, QC, on behalf of his fabulously rich but anonymous clients. “Until Ireland ceases to threaten the international bond markets with its reckless assaults on fiscal probity, we cannot allow aid shipments to pass. These warm blankets and canned tomatoes may well be used to launch further attacks on our financial security. If necessary, we will board the ship in international waters and seize these potential weapons of mass destruction.”

The Palestinian-Irish Solidarity activists refuse to back down, however. “We know the international bond markets and Fianna Fáil are powerful enemies of the Irish people,” said Yasser Said. “But someone has to do something to alleviate their suffering. It’s not their fault that they can’t help themselves. It’s only a small island on the edge of the world; they don’t know any better. We have to reach them somehow.”

“Somehow,” he repeated with grim determination.

Cowen: “The last thing we need is an election campaign with parties who have totally different approaches.”

Despair increased across the nation today as it became increasingly apparent that Ireland is being led by a Taoiseach who has no idea how democracy works. In an interview with Stephen Collins of the Irish Times – “We can work our way through in a calm, rational way” (Oct. 23, 2010) – Brian Cowen openly revealed that he hadn’t the foggiest notion how democratic politics worked and even questioned the need for such a thing as democracy in the first place.

Taoiseach Brian Cowen argues that democracy is inefficient and unnecessary.

Taoiseach Brian Cowen argues that democracy is inefficient and unnecessary.

Said Cowen, “The last thing we need, I would have thought, is an election campaign with parties who have totally different approaches,” thus completely misunderstanding the most basic concept of democracy. When pressed on the issue, he said that an election would simply “bring more confusion than clarity and then there is the prospect of having to find a politically viable outcome after an election as to who would form a government and all the negotiations that that would entail and all of the changed positions that would automatically arise,” thereby arguing that a democratic transfer of power to representatives elected by the people would simply be too much hassle and that he didn’t need that right now as he had a country to run.

Professor of Political Science at Trinity College Dublin, Michael Conlon, said that he was “deeply disturbed” by the article. “The ancient Athenians insisted that the value of democracy lay in open public debate. For that reason, the art of rhetoric was highly prized as a way of persuading the city’s population to support or condemn certain political measures. The interest in rhetoric and the arts of persuasion and logical reasoning were also the cornerstones of the great flowering of philosophy and drama at the time, giving us the philosophical dialogues of Plato and the great tragedies of Sophocles. Removing the rationale behind political disputation will not just weaken our political institutions but also fundamentally damage our cultural life.”

“This country’s fucked,” he said bluntly, as he packed his suitcase and headed for the airport.

In a stunning move, Cowen also claimed that it was not necessary for the Taoiseach to have political legitimacy. Cowen was elected Taoiseach not by popular vote but by a coterie of craven Fianna Fáil backbenchers after Bertie Ahern stepped aside, and sees this as meaning that he can do whatever he wants to the country. Said Cowen, “My mandate as Taoiseach is the same as the mandate of any taoiseach of the country,” thereby asserting that the leader of a nation only requires the legal right to rule rather than achieving legitimacy by arguing for his qualities and policies before the people and letting them make a free and fair decision as to who is the right person to take charge of national affairs. This is all so much codology to Cowen, “who insists that the Coalition has a mandate to govern until May 2012 and that that mandate is not diminished because he was appointed without a general election.”

Professor Conlon, when asked for comment, said, “Not now, for fuck’s sake! I can’t get in contact with the wife and we desperately need to grab the kids and get the fuck out of this country before he declares himself Taoiseach-for-life! Get out of my fucking way!” before passing a fearful glance around at some suspicious-looking men wearing “FF” badges watching him from across the street.

A random Irishman (who wishes his identity to remain secret) reading the interview in the Irish Times.

A random Irishman (who wishes his identity to remain secret) reading the interview in the Irish Times.

Cowen’s announcement follows weeks of disturbing revelations that Ireland’s opposition parties have agreed to Cowen’s demands and dropped any semblance of having different approaches to the critical issues facing the nation. The new all-party budget talks on the austerity measures, which will devastate the Irish economy and force tens of thousands of young Irish people to emigrate in search of work, leave the Irish people with no choice even in the event of an election, which isn’t going to happen anyway. Unofficial sources said that both Enda Kenny and Eamon Gilmore agreed with Cowen’s political beliefs because neither of them had a hope of cleanly winning a democratic election.

After reading the interview, satirist Jon Rapid announced his intention to retire immediately, saying, “You can’t satirise Irish politics any more. Irish politics is a satire. All you can do is report it.”

Leprechauns of Ireland: “Pot of Gold now Sack of IOUs.”

Three children from Glengooly, Co. Tipperary, unwittingly sparked major panic across Irish financial markets last night as they accidentally rumbled the secret that Ireland’s strategic leprechaun gold reserve has been replaced by a potato sack full of IOUs.

Shane Duggan (11), his sister Sheila (9) and Paul Maher (11) were playing in the fields near Glengooly yesterday when they saw a rainbow arcing to the ground in the next field. “We knew the story about the how the leprechauns hid pots of gold under the rainbow,” said Sheila, “So we ran over to find it. But when we got there we didn’t see any pot of gold. There was just a bag, full of pieces of paper that said “IOU.””

“Daddy was very disappointed when we brought them back.”

The discovery sparked an immediate investigation and after brief resistance the leprechauns of Ireland decided to come clean and make a straight confession.

The leprechauns admitted misappropriating Ireland's strategic gold reserve.

The leprechauns admitted misappropriating Ireland's strategic gold reserve.

“It is with deep regret that the people of Ireland must be informed that Ireland’s strategic gold reserve has been – perhaps to paraphrase the words of the great leprechaun playwright Shakespeare – it has of late, and wherefore we know not, been somewhat over-invested in dubious stocks and ghost estates,” said Seamus MacGillicuddy Finnegan O’Flaherty, the leader of the mysterious leprechaun tribe rumoured to have been until recently living in a luxury fairy fort in Dublin 4. “But if only you could have tasted the intoxicating cornucopia of the boom years! The stock market looked like a young Icarus boldly taking wing; the property market was rising like Jesus going up on the cross! How were we to know we would all get crucified in a couple of years?”

“Our friends the property developers Paddy Kelly and Mervyn Walsh were telling us that property values were going through the roof and we had to get in on it as soon as possible with everything we had. Even farmers – fucking culchies! – were getting in on the act, selling off grazing land in Upperchurch to property developers who wanted to build housing estates with “easy access to Dublin” up in the Galtee Mountains!” said Finnegan O’Flaherty with the feverish air of an inveterate gambler seeing horses with outrageous odds win races he hasn’t put any money on. “How could we know what was waiting round the corner? So we took the plunge and rode the Celtic Tiger like she was Shergar and we were Lester Piggott.”

With a rueful smile, Finnegan O’Flaherty added, “We thought the property market could make all our wishes come true.”

Things apparently went well for a while, with the leprechauns gaining international renown alongside such financial luminaries as Bernie Madoff for their business savvy. The leprechauns rolled on waves of loans and debts that were just about enough to afford living in Dublin at the time. However, by early 2008 it was becoming apparent to the leprechauns that the whole thing was a house of cards.

“I guess perhaps that what may be termed perfectly understandable and in no way reprehensible actions were taken which were later revealed to have been based on faulty premises and misinformation and thus may possibly be construed with the benefit of hindsight as having been unsound,” said Finnegan O’Flaherty, to knowing grimaces from the assembled journalists, who have become accustomed to this kind of bullshit, and not just from leprechauns. “Certainly buying that seaside resort in Bulgaria was a bit overenthusiastic, especially as we used the mortgage on the D4 fairy fort to finance it. We asked our friends, the bankers Sean Fitzpatrick and David Drumm, what to do and they recommended that we invest the remaining gold with institutions of great integrity and financial probity, which offered a guaranteed dividend and a share price so buoyant it could be filled with helium – i.e. the banks and financial institutions of Ireland.”

“Pricks,” added Finnegan O’Flaherty with uncharacteristic bluntness.

Former Anglo Irish Bank chairman Sean Fitzpatrick denied misleading leprechauns.

Former Anglo Irish Bank chairman Sean Fitzpatrick denied misleading leprechauns.

The onset of the financial crisis brought the house of cards to the ground. Property prices crashed, the stock market plummeted, and suddenly all that easy money had turned into hardened creditors calling on an hourly basis looking for their money back. “To speak the plain truth, it turned out that most of what we had was worth half of what we thought, and half of what it was then worth was mostly gone before we thought of selling it for a price we wouldn’t have thought of selling it for when it was worth what we thought it cost,” said Finnegan O’Flaherty despairingly. “It turned out that they hadn’t even started building the seaside resort in Bulgaria yet, so it was just a stony beach in the middle of nowhere. That cost us the D4 fairy fort and it wasn’t long before the pot of gold was a pot of IOUs.”

“But we really knew we were fucked when we had to hock the pot,” said Finnegan O’Flaherty grimly.

With the gold all gone, the leprechauns have been reduced to advertising breakfast cereals in the USA and starring in low-budget Disney movies. Finnegan O’Flaherty said he had come to terms with the leprechaun tribe’s fall from grace, but had a piece of advice for those interested in doing business in the Emerald Isle.

“When you’re in Ireland, don’t trust the big people,” he said.

Garret Fitzgerald: “Civic Morality Reborn through Blaming Others.”

In a recent article for the Irish Times, former Taoiseach Garret Fitzgerald gave hope to the nation by demonstrating how Irish civic morality could be strengthened by accepting that responsibility for one’s failures lay with others.

In the article, entitled “Apocalypse may yet spark the rebirth of civic morality” (Oct. 16, 2010), Dr. Fitzgerald squarely asked the Irish people to take collective responsibility for the current crisis, and then delegate that responsibility to a number of traditional scapegoats. “A factor common to this whole range of failures seems to me to have been a striking absence of any sense of civic responsibility throughout our society,” said Dr. Fitzgerald, thereby lessening the blame any one person, for example a former Taoiseach who led the nation for six years in the 1980s, might have to shoulder.

Dr. Fitzgerald blames the Catholic Church for the financial crisis.

Dr. Fitzgerald blames the Catholic Church for the financial crisis.

Not content with merely lessening the blame, however, Fitzgerald was quick to pass the little bit of blame left to the only organisation that can vie with Dáil Éireann for unpopularity: the Catholic Church. Dr. Fitzgerald identified the root of the problem as “a society whose education has been almost exclusively in the hands of the Catholic Church was left with virtually no training in civic morality or civic responsibility.” Having attacked the church for something it did have a hand in, Dr. Fitzgerald then felt emboldened to go the whole hog and attack it for stuff it had nothing to do with – abuses in the financial industry. “This has been particularly noticeable in the failure of the church to preach about the evils of tax evasion for the additional taxes that have to be imposed to offset this shortfall.”

Admirers of Dr. Fitzgerald have been quick to acknowledge his stroke of genius. Patrick Mulcahy (52), a respected barrister said that he was “in awe” at the manner in which Fitzgerald had pointed the crooked finger of blame for the financial crisis at the Catholic Church. “Really, this is just a masterclass in passing the buck,” said Mulcahy, with the air of a connoisseur appreciating the work of a maestro. “I mean, it’s not just how he blames the Catholic Church for something they had a hand in and then uses that as a springboard to connect them to something they had nothing to do with. It’s also about what he doesn’t say; not once in an article about collective responsibility and civic morality does Fitzgerald offer up a single example of a mistake he made or something he personally could have done better, say, when he was the leader of the country from 1981-1987.”

“He likes to create mobs, and then lead them from the back.”

Taoiseach 1981-1987, when nothing to do with Ireland's current problems happened.

Taoiseach 1981-1987, when nothing to do with Ireland's current problems happened.

Dr. Fitzgerald’s skills were again in evidence in the second half of the article, when he asserted that once the revolutionary generation – with its commitment to integrity in public life –passed from the scene in the 1960s and 1970s, it was replaced by a new generation devoid (thanks to the Church) of any sense of civic morality. “This was the moment when I thought he’d lost it,” said Mulcahy. “There’s no way he can avoid the fact that he was one of the leaders of this post-revolutionary generation. He was the Taoiseach, for God’s sake! How can he possibly push the blame for what happened next onto someone else? But again,” said Mulcahy, pausing to smack his lips like a gourmet consuming a sumptuous Merlot, “Garret outdid himself.”

Without even mentioning the fact that he was Taoiseach during this era, Dr. Fitzgerald heroically singled out his political enemies as the ones whose civic morality failed. Wrote Fitzgerald shamelessly, “In the 1970s, the surviving Fianna Fáil ex-ministers were horrified at the prospect of the emergence of a very different kind of Fianna Fáil. It was only with great difficulty that Frank Aiken, because of his concerns for the party and the country, was persuaded to stand again for election in 1973. Later, President de Valera confided his deep fears for the country to a minister in whose integrity he had confidence. And when he was dying, Seán MacEntee asked to see me to confide his deep concern for the future of the State because of what had happened to his party, Fianna Fáil.”

“Sheer genius,” said Mulcahy.

Irish people everywhere expressed gratitude to Dr. Fitzgerald for showing them a way forward. Jimmy O’Doherty (36) of Ennis said, “I thought that this time we’d just have to face up to the problems our nation has and finally try and deal with them,” he said. “But Garret has shown that there’s still a way we can put off the day of reckoning, even after the apocalypse, and even pretend to keep the moral high ground. It’s thanks to leadership like that that Ireland is the country it is today.”

Dr. Fitzgerald refused to reveal exactly what MacEntee said to him on his deathbed, but a confidant privately revealed the truth. “Seán said that he feared what would happen to Fianna Fáil now that men like Charlie Haughey were leading it, and he feared what would happen to the country if the only alternative to Charlie Haughey was a gobshite like Garret.”

Diaspora to David McWilliams: “Get Fucked.”

In a not entirely unexpected announcement today, the Association for Irish Diaspora stated that David McWilliams, the celebrity Irish economist who argues that the diaspora are Ireland’s great untapped resource, can go fuck himself.

A spokesman for the diaspora, Gerry Thornton (54) of Boston, said that “when my grandfather left behind the green fields of Ireland to emigrate to the USA, he gave his family one piece of advice which we have always treasured: “One day someone from the old country will come looking for money. It may be a relative, it may be a starving child, or it may be a smarmy Trinity College-educated economist trying to peddle some bullshit he’s written a book about. No matter what, tell the bum to take a hike.””

“I think it’s a tribute to my grandfather’s foresight that he described Macker down to a T in 1934.”

David McWilliams demonstrates the art of bullshitting regularly on Irish TV.

David McWilliams demonstrates the art of bullshitting regularly on Irish TV.

McWilliams made a name for himself as a commentator on economic affairs on Irish television, where a boyish smile and excellent haircut were enough to hide his complete and total ignorance of how the world works. Deluded by the grandeur of having his own show on TV3, McWilliams has recently been promoting the idea in books, on TV, and in news articles that the Irish diaspora can help bring Ireland out of recession, seemingly unaware of the fact that the diaspora don’t give a shit.

“In fact,” said Mr. Thornton, “I think that could be a pretty good definition of the Irish diaspora: People who don’t give a shit about Ireland, so much so that they don’t live there and don’t want to live there. I mean, you’d think this would be pretty obvious, but not to Macker or the suckers he writes for. I guess people in Ireland need to think of those who emigrated as being all teary-eyed for the Ould Sod, rather than enjoying the benefits of living in much better-run, more advanced countries which offer greater personal and professional opportunities.”

McWilliams’ website contains such gems of snake-oil peddling as “think about the potential economic impact of the Irish Diaspora. This is one thing we have that so few other countries have. This is our biggest and most unique resource and yet we don’t appreciate its value.”

“That’s exactly the kind of bullshit we don’t need right now,” said Mr. Thornton. “I’ve got the banks breathing down my neck about my mortgage, the company I work for just let another four people go last week, and my kids are about to go to college – the last thing I need is the goddamned Irish showing up asking if they can tap my resources. Buddy, you can go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.”

“But what really made our jaws drop was when Macker starting talking about building the Irish Empire,” chuckled Mr. Thornton to appreciative laughter from the assembled journalists.

McWilliams outlined his delusional plan for Irish global domination in this sadly best-selling book.

McWilliams outlined his delusional plan for Irish global domination in this sadly best-selling book.

McWilliams’ scheme not only involves some vague kind of help from the diaspora to help maintain Ireland’s economy but the creation of a new global empire of Irishness. According to McWilliams, “It is time to see the island of Ireland in the 21st century as the cradle of a global nation. This nation extends all over the world, gelled together by the shared experience of previous generations… If we do this, globalisation could be the golden era of the Irish. We can turn our historical defeat into a future victory.”

“That just gets me right here, though,” said Mr. Thornton, pointing to his heart with the glimmer of a tear in his eye. “I mean, how desperate do people have to be before they start buying this bullshit? You’re about to be sent back to the 1950s, scraping around for odd jobs digging holes and hoping you have enough to pay heating bills over the winter, and people are actually buying Macker’s crap about Ireland as the New Rome? I guess things must be pretty bad over there.”

“The only thing the Irish are going to get from the diaspora is this free piece of advice,” concluded Mr. Thornton. “The diaspora left because Ireland will always be a badly-run nation with politics dominated by parochialism and cronyism and a civil society unable to distinguish bullshit from reality. If you want to make something of yourself, go somewhere else where it’s at least possible.”

“And when Macker comes after you with the begging bowl,” added Mr. Thornton with a stern look of warning, “tell him to shove it up his arse.”

New Irish Mail-Order Husband Service Surprisingly Successful

One of Ireland’s only recent economic success stories is a new mail-order husband service, http://www.GetYourGombeen.com, which offers to set foreign women up with impoverished Irish men desperate for a new start abroad. The company, set up by Russian entrepreneur Olga Shirova in 2009, has rapidly become a beacon of hope for many Irish men trapped in the middle of nowhere without the money to start a better life somewhere else.

Miss Shirova, a stunning blonde in a designer black Versace dress, modelled the service on the Russian mail-order bride service that originally brought her to the Ireland in 2007. “For me, as a young girl from Siberia, escaping to a richer life in the West was a hope I cherished throughout the long cold winters of my childhood. The mail-order bride company offered me a chance, and when an Irish man offered to take me away to the glamorous West, how could I refuse?”

“Of course, he didn’t explain that by “the West” he meant Sligo,” added Miss Shirova icily.

The glamorous West

The glamorous West

“After two years of marriage I claimed citizenship and divorced him, but now I had a shiftless ex-husband hanging around trying to bum money off me. I needed a way to get rid of him, but by then the recession had hit and there were no real Russian men still around to do the job.”

Fortunately, Miss Shirova hit upon an even better solution – selling off her husband by post to a woman from Latvia. “I had no idea many women abroad consider Irish men attractive partners,” said Miss Shirova. “I put him on Ebay as a joke, but he was snapped up within hours. That’s when I knew I was onto something big. This country is a goldmine of shiftless layabout men with poor hygiene and no money, and it seems the world is full of perverts who like that.”

According to research into the phenomenon by Trinity Professor of Economics Sheila Callaghan, Irish men are generally viewed by women who haven’t met any as “roguish, charming, funny, and darkly handsome.” Prof. Callaghan commented on the results, saying, “We wondered why – in the name of fucking Jesus! – anyone would want to pay money for an Irish husband. The results left our (all-female) research team flabbergasted. Those shifty conniving fuckers had just pulled off the greatest marketing swindle in business history.”

“Of course, as usual, they hadn’t done any of that work themselves. Our research showed that the image of the roguishly charming Irish male is largely a creation of the American media, and is usually played by non-Irish actors, like Tom Cruise in Far and Away. The lazy fat bastards lounging around this country are just riding the wave.”

The roguishly charming Irish male enjoys life to the full.

The roguishly charming Irish male enjoys life to the full.

That hasn’t stopped many Irish men from extolling it as the greatest wave they’ve ever ridden. Dessie O’Shaughnessy, formerly of Ballybegor and now Abu Dhabi, said signing up with http://www.GetYourGombeen.com was one of the best decisions he’d ever made. “Sure, what was I doin’ at home only pickin’ at me hole,” he said, lounging in a silken toga atop a waterbed in his luxurious apartments in the Royal Palace. “Then I signed up for the laugh, you know, and I got taken in by some Arabian princess who wanted an Irish man to complete her collection. It’s not a bad life; the lads in the harem are all sound, except for that French cunt, and the missus generally leaves us in peace, which is more than you could ask from an Irish bird.”

“I could murder a pint, though,” he added with a faraway stare in his eyes.

Robbie Bucket, formerly of North Dublin, had a less glamorous adventure but said he was still content with his decision. “Sure, I got bought by someone in Alabama and I thought, “States, yeah? States is deadly.” But then I got here and it’s not like the telly at all, it’s all fucking countryside and the missus thought because I was Irish I’d be used to it. I said, “Wha’? Do I look like a fuckin’ culchie or something?” But after a few fuck-ups like that it’s actually been all right, you know? She doesn’t nag me or nothing, whereas some Irish one’d always be in your fucking ear whinin’ on about somethin’. And I’ve never had it off with someone who wasn’t totally legless before, and it’s actually a lot better because you don’t have to worry about her pukin’.”

“She does keep asking me to stop saying “Jaysus,” though,” he admitted. “She’s a bit religious like that.”

Miss Shirova said that at least 35% of all men aged 18-35 in Ireland were now signed up with her company, and as the recession deepens she expects that to increase to over 50%. Both Irish men and Irish women said they were satisfied with that prospect.

Real IRA: “Irish Reunification no Longer Desirable Goal.”

The Real IRA has declared in a taped news broadcast that, in view of the worsening economic situation in the Republic of Ireland, reunification no longer seems desirable.

“We believed passionately in the idea of a free, united Ireland,” read out a spokesman for the paramilitaries while several balaclava-clad gunman looked silently at the camera. “But that ideal has been hit by some harsh realities in recent months. After carefully studying the deteriorating situation down South, we have reluctantly come to the conclusion that those people are going down, and all we want now is that they don’t drag us down with them.”

Real IRA: "Actually, wanting to join the Republic seems stupid now."

Real IRA: "Actually, wanting to join the Republic seems stupid now."

A splinter group from the now disarmed IRA, the Real IRA has previously threatened to keep fighting in the struggle to liberate Northern Ireland from British rule and reunite the 32 counties of Ireland. However, as the Republic of Ireland now faces a choice between national bankruptcy or years of abject poverty, this goal has been abandoned.

“The sight of tens of thousands of Irish Christmas shoppers driving across the border in search of cheaper, better quality bargains in Northern Ireland made a strong impression on us as a group,” continued the spokesman. “It convinced us that things had gone to the dogs down there. I mean, who would come to one of the most violent places in Europe to shop? We even put out bomb warnings to try and deter some of them but they just kept coming. I couldn’t get a wink of sleep with all the traffic.”

“Those Mexicans have no consideration for others,” he added cryptically, while the other masked gunmen broke out laughing.

The broadcast then became more relaxed as the men realised their long cherished but impossible dreams could be safely abandoned in favour of the more traditional community building pursuit of insulting those south of the border.

“I mean, really, what would we have to do if we somehow liberated the 6 counties?” asked one of the others. “Tell the people that from now on we will be subject to the all-party austerity talks? That we can expect massively reduced spending on all government services? Say what you like about the Prods and the English, but they do run a tight ship.”

“And would we have to pledge an Oath of Loyalty to that fat bastard from Offaly? Fuck that!” snorted the gunman. “I’d rather pledge an Oath to the Queen.”

The others nodded firmly in agreement.

Northern Ireland First Minister Peter Robinson was quick to support the declaration. “This step lays the foundation for peace in the six counties,” said Mr. Robinson. “From this day forward we can put aside our guns and say to each other that, Catholic and Protestant alike, we are better off without those apes down in Monkeyland.”

“If only those chimpanzees had listened to us in 1921, they would be safely ruled from Westminster now and not their own tree-house council of baboons.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if they resort to cannibalism pretty soon,” he added.

Taoiseach Brian Cowen responds to the news.

Taoiseach Brian Cowen responds to the news.

Sinn Féin leader Gerry Adams said it was important that both Catholics and Protestants alike worked to prevent more Irish immigrating to the North. “The six counties are the last spark of civilisation left on this island,” he said in a ringing speech in Belfast. “If we don’t fence it off, we could be overrun by those nettle-eaters from the South and then where would be? 32 counties living in the fucking Stone Age!”

Irish Taoiseach Brian Cowen had no response, but just sat staring slackly at the TV with his jaws flabbily wobbling, like a gorilla attempting to imitate human speech.

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