Tarantino Oscar Speech to Use ‘Nigger’ 108 Times

LA, California – Maverick filmmaker Quentin Tarantino, whose most recent movie Django Unchained has been nominated for five Academy Awards, said today that he was writing the greatest Oscar acceptance speech in history, one that will movingly honour the victims of slavery and calls for reconciliation and the final rehabilitation of the word ‘nigger’.

Tarantino is a passionate advocate of niggers, right to say 'nigger'.

Tarantino is a passionate advocate of niggers, right to say ‘nigger’.

“Niggers be hurtin’, man,” jabbered Tarantino in his characteristic ranting fashion. “My movie shows the nigger truth – people hurting niggers, niggers hurting niggers, niggers shooting back at nigger-haters. That’s all American history right there.”

“Niggers,” he added after realising that his last sentence might not have shocked anyone.

Django Unchained has been nominated for Best Picture and Best Original Screenplay, but many have criticised it for its frequent use of the ‘N_____’ word.

“I respect Quentin Tarantino as a vibrant and dynamic filmmaker,” said respected philosopher and critic Kwame Anthony Appiah. “And I understand the need for art to challenge conventions and expose society’s members to harsh truths. But I wonder if it was really necessary to use a word so charged with negative connotations of violence and oppression 108 times over the course of a three-hour movie.”

"I'm talking about ending racial hatred in this country, so you niggers better listen up."

“I’m talking about ending racial hatred in this country, so you niggers better listen up.”

Tarantino scoffed at Appiah’s concerns, however. “Three hours?! I’m planning to use the word ‘nigger’ 108 times in five minutes during my Best Picture acceptance speech, nigger! Compared to that, Django Unchained is a fucking political correctness conference run by lesbians and shit. Some nigger thinks I shouldn’t do it, well, he needs to face up to the reality of his niggerhood. People in America, they be using the word nigger. I’m an American and I say nigger. As an artist, I’ve got to be true to myself and my cultural heritage.”

“Niggers,” he added, again realising that his last sentence could be quoted out of context to make him seem considered and thoughtful.

Tarantino said his greatest challenge would be to trying to say everything he wanted to say within the strict time limits for acceptance speeches.

“Man, I am going to be talking fast up there, real fast, you know, just like ‘niggerniggerniggerniggerniggerniggerniggerniggerniggernigger’. I’m going to be like a fucking racist fire engine, man, I shit you not, if I’m going to make it to 108 before the music pisses all over my speech.”

“I hope Halle Berry gets to present the award, too, because then I can show everyone how much I love niggers at the same time,” hooted Tarantino, air-squeezing an imaginary set of breasts.

"That's right, present it to me just like that, you nigger bitch!" yelled Tarantino.

“That’s right, present it to me just like that, you nigger bitch!” yelled Tarantino.

As controversy raged, President Obama tried to calm the dispute by offering his characteristic absence of leadership. “Our great nation’s past was stained by the original sin of slavery. Quentin Tarantino is a great American artist dealing with that past, although I’m not sure he needs to use such inflammatory language. I guess it’s kind of a tough one.”

“Yup,” concluded the President thoughtfully.

Republicans were quick to fill the void left by the president. “I support freedom of speech,” declared House Leader John Boner. “No government regulation! Let the free market decide. Using nigger helped sell the movie and that’s all the validation it needs.

“Now that we know there’s a big market for it, I’m going to start using it myself,” continued Boner. “You know what’s wrong with America? Niggers! Particularly that nigger in the White House. We need to get all the niggers out, starting with him.”

Some filmgoers couldn’t see what all the controversy was about. When asked if he thought it offensive to label black people ‘niggers’, Scarlett O’Neck (43)of Alabama scratched her head in confusion and replied: “Well, what the heck would you call ‘em?”

The man at the centre of this controversy remains unrepentant, however. “Man, all this publicity, and I ain’t even made the speech yet! Ain’t no nigger got their finger on the pulse of America like old Quentin, baby.

“Maybe I should try and say nigger 109 times instead,” Tarantino mused.

Lance Armstrong Admits Winning Tour de France on Small Motorbike

LA, California – America and the world of cycling were in shock today as Lance Armstrong, the controversial cycling superstar, finally admitted that he had won his record seven Tour de France titles with the illegal aid of a small motorbike.

Lance Armstrong confesses under the hypnotic spell of Oprah's boobs.

Lance Armstrong confesses under the hypnotic spell of Oprah’s boobs.

Speaking on the Oprah Winfrey show, Armstrong said: “I think it’s wrong to benefit from unearned success. I shouldn’t be allowed to profit from endorsing products, when I don’t deserve my celebrity. I know this will come as a shock to everyone who’s supported me down through the years, to my family, to my friends, to my bike mechanic. But I’m afraid the rumours are true.” A single tear rolled down Armstrong’s rugged cheek. “I did win the Tour de France using a performance enhancing motorbike.”

“Actually, it was a Kawasaki Vulcan 2000,” said Armstrong, with a quick nod towards his sponsor. “A bike that can take you to the top of the world!”

Lance Armstrong became a national hero in America when he recovered from brain, lung, and testicular cancer to win the Tour de France seven times. However, his career has been plagued by accusations of drug cheating. Armstrong, though, flatly denied that this was the case.

“How on earth are drugs supposed to help anyone win the Tour de France?” asked Armstrong in exasperation. “Do you see anyone in the Tour de France who ain’t on drugs? I even put steroids in my gas tank, just to give me my bike a little more oomph.”

"And that was the guy who came last!"

“And that was the guy who came last!”

“The steroids of champions, by the way, ain’t made in France. They’re made right here in America by Roid Sally Roid, Inc. of Houston, Texas,” added Armstrong, with a wink at the camera. “Just sayin’ to all you future Olympians, is all.”

Armstrong revealed that he first began to use a motorbike after his return to cycling from cancer treatment. “At first, it was just a small engine designed to look like a water bottle, you know? It could give me a little boost when I needed it.

“But then, when no one said anything, I started getting more reckless. I mean, everyone could see what I was doing, but who’s going to say anything to a cancer patient? Soon, I was thinking about just riding my Harley from start to finish.

“Harley Davidson,” repeated Armstrong in a tough, masculine voice. “The motorbike that made America, and helped an American in yellow shit on France.”

Armstrong admitted that he had had a number of anxious moments when it seemed like his secret was going to be revealed. “Yup, I came home one day and my wife threw a plate at my head and called me a cheating, lying bastard,” said Armstrong.

“Fortunately, she was just talking about my affair with Sheryl Crow.”

Asked by Oprah if he felt any regret about leaving his wife for the singer, Armstrong said: “Hell no! If It Makes You Happy, it can’t be that bad. And Sheryl’s willing to do All I Wanna Do, and I ain’t talking ‘bout her hit record!”

Crow said all Armstrong wanted to do was look at his seven framed yellow jersies all day.

Crow said all Armstrong wanted to do was look at his seven framed yellow jersies all day.

“Oh, yeah,” chuckled Armstrong knowingly. “You heard me, France.”

Despite the secrecy, however, a few journalists began to suspect that something was wrong when Armstrong consistently won the Tour de France.

“Yeah, see that’s the real problem right there,” said Armstrong. “I wasn’t caught because I cheated; I was caught because everyone else cheated and I still beat them. Then people started asking how I did it. There was only one answer.

“Nike,” said Armstrong, looking meaningfully at the camera. “The sneaker of champions.”

Some fans refused to accept Armstrong’s heartfelt apology and discount offers on all Armstrong-endorsed products for the first 100 callers.

“I can’t forgive that man,” said Ellen Grant (32). “His confession just ruined my favourite film – Dodgeball. Now that scene where he persuades Vince Vaughn to return for the final just makes no sense.

“It’s a good thing Chuck Norris is still a pillar of integrity, otherwise the whole movie would be ruined.”

Chuck Norris - the last man standing for American values.

Chuck Norris – the last man standing for American values.

Others, however, said that Armstrong had more than proven himself in their eyes.

“He’s right, goddammit!” bellowed Hank Bowles (44), an executive with a sportswear company. “Nike is the sneaker of champions! Lance Armstrong, you’re all right!”

At the end of an emotional interview, Armstrong cried on Oprah’s shoulder and then received a standing ovation. “God bless America!” shouted Armstrong, visibly moved. “And fuck France!”

The nation cheered and then hurriedly dialled the hotline numbers running at the bottom of the screen for Lance Armstrong-endorsed products.

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