NRA Announces “Guns for Kids” Scheme to Prevent School Shootings

Connecticut – In the wake of the tragic mass killing of twenty children and six women at an elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut, the National Rifle Association (NRA) has announced a new plan to prevent any more shootings at American schools by ensuring every American schoolchild exercises its right under the Second Amendment to bear arms.

Mars Krieglieber taking a stand against crazy lone gunmen.

Mars Krieglieber taking a stand against crazy lone gunmen.

A sorrowful Mars Krieglieber (42), the vice-president of the NRA, announced the new scheme at a ceremony to commemorate the victims. “The threats to our children from gun violence are increasing year on year,” warned Mr. Krieglieber. “Think of Columbine, Virginia Tech, and now Sandy Hook Elementary School. It is time we took bold and decisive action to make sure no more of our children are shot dead in our schools.”

“I call on Congress to make funds available to ensure every schoolchild in America has a gun and isn’t afraid to use it.”

The ‘Guns for Kids’ scheme will ensure that every child on its first day of school is given a pistol with a particularly sensitive trigger so they will have no difficulty squeezing it in the event of being attacked by a homicidal maniac.

The NRA says it has commissioned a study whose statistics prove this is the only sensible course of action. According to the report, a shocking 100% of child victims in school shootings are unarmed.

“See, that’s the only statistic that matters right there!” said Krieglieber passionately. “The problem isn’t that crazy people can buy guns. The problem is that our kids can’t shoot back.”

Noted Republican Jesus H. Christ supports 'Guns for Kids.'

Noted Republican Jesus H. Christ supports ‘Guns for Kids.’

“We need serious reform of America’s gun laws to remove destructive limitations on gun ownership. This tragedy has shown us that archaic laws and traditions from the 18th century saying five year-olds shouldn’t have firearms have no place in modern America.”

Reform of gun laws is a hot topic in the USA, which has a massively higher rate of violent homicide than any other advanced nation. Krieglieber, however, believes the problem lies not simply with gun laws but within the American education system.

“All these people who say that countries with stricter gun laws have fewer violent deaths just show what’s wrong with the education system in this country,” said Krieglieber impatiently. “If our kids could open fire at will then there wouldn’t be any violent deaths from school shootings so those numbers are all skewed to begin with.”

“This kind of faulty reasoning is what happens when you spend all your time teaching math instead of basic marksmanship.”

The executive director of Gun Owners of America, Larry Pratt, was quick to endorse the new scheme. Said Pratt:

Gun control supporters have the blood of little children on their hands… This tragedy underscores the urgency of getting rid of gun bans on school zones. The only thing accomplished by gun free zones is to ensure that mass murderers can slay more before they are finally confronted by someone with a gun.

Even moderate commentators suggested that the NRA’s plan was certainly worth thinking about. Jeffrey Goldberg of The Atlantic wrote:

People should have the ability to defend themselves. Mass shootings take many lives in part because no one is firing back at the shooters. The shooters in recent massacres have had many minutes to complete their evil work, while their victims cower under desks or in closets… law-abiding, well-trained, non-criminal, wholly sane citizens have a role to play in their own self-defence.

Goldberg said Israel was a role model for dealing with violence in a humane manner.

Goldberg said Israel was a role model for dealing with violence in a humane manner.

Goldberg admitted there were some flaws in his scheme. “Well, as shooters can buy fully automatic machine guns over the Internet using a credit card, our schoolchildren will need superior firepower. Ultimately the government will have to give them access to military grade weaponry to make sure they’re safe. I would recommend training children in the use of grenades and even flamethrowers to flush out shooters hiding in supply closets.”

House Republicans were quick to hail the new initiative, saying it could solve many of the country’s problems at one stroke.

“The ‘Guns for Kids’ scheme is exactly what this country needs,” declared Rep. Magnum Winchester (Texas). “Not only will it keep our kids safe, it will help reduce the federal deficit. We can pay for it simply by transferring all healthcare funding to the arms industry. This will create strong American jobs making guns for our kids while the resulting drop in violent shootings will mean we won’t need so many hospitals anyway.”

“On top of that, by incorporating arms industry spending into education, we can massively increase our education budget. It’s the right thing to do for our children’s future.”

Some Tea Party activists said the solution lay in going back to the original meaning of the Second Amendment. “The Constitution of the United States,” said Mary-Lou Wesson (41) proudly, “gives every American the right to bear arms or arm bears. I think it’s time for Option 2.”

“Ain’t no crazy person going to attack no kids when they is protected by a grizzly bear packing an Uzi,” she added. “Yeah.”

A poster from the Tea Party's 'arm bears' campaign.

A poster from the Tea Party’s ‘arm bears’ campaign.

A nation divided other whether or not to provide schools with military grade weaponry or armed grizzly security bears or perhaps some as yet unknown other solution looked with diminishing hope to President Obama for leadership.

Faced with demands for tough new legislation, Obama showed characteristic boldness in ignoring those demands and opting for soothing rhetoric. “We are going to have to come together and take meaningful action,” declared the president, meaninglessly.

Perhaps the final word on this tragic debate belongs to Peggy Holmes (9), one of the brave survivors of the Sandy Hook tragedy. “I don’t think there’s really any help,” she whispered confidentially, looking in alarm at a teddy bear cradling a rocket launcher given to her by a Tea Party activist. “The problem isn’t the guns or the arms or the bears or the kids.”

“It’s that half the adults in this country are total dingbats.”

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