PETA Accuses Hobbit Producers of Mistreating Wargs

California – As The Hobbit prepares to open in theatres across the world, Hollywood was rocked today by accusations from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) that Oscar-winning director Peter Jackson allowed neglect and abuse of animals used in filming, including wargs.

Some poor wargs lament their mistreatment at the hands of Peter Jackson, forces of good.

PETA spokesperson Bunny Huggington said that unnamed sources who probably worked on the set for a while had hinted that conditions may have been less than ideal for some of the animals involved in shooting.

“Naturally, we at PETA were absolutely shocked when we heard this,” said Ms. Huggington. “Especially when we heard about the wargs. Do you know how many wargs exist in the wild today? They’re an endangered species! God certainly didn’t put them on Middle Earth so goblins could ride them into battle.”

Placing her adorable pet chihuahua in a designer handbag, Ms. Huggington then read out an online petition PETA hoped would initiate a global day of action against Peter Jackson’s tyrannical reign over the animal kingdom.

When The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey hits theatres this December, audiences will be presented with an adventure story set in a fantasy world. For the animals involved in the filming, however, the abuse and neglect they experienced were far too real. In all, 5 horses, 12 chickens, 1 pony, and several goats and sheep were allegedly maimed or killed.

Ms. Huggington admitted that even though some of her cosmetics were tested on animals she just couldn’t live without nail polish.

“Oh, my God!” sobbed Ms. Huggington, suddenly overcome with emotion. “Who would want to harm a poor defenceless chicken? I’m sure no one in the world would like to see anything bad happen to a chicken. That’s why we have to stand up to these evil movie producers.”

Asked to define the use of the word allegedly in the petition Ms. Huggington explained that she thought it meant the same as definitely and it couldn’t be that important anyway as the words immediately after it were in bold.

She then read out the rest of the petition:

What’s worse, this is a Peter Jackson – yes, the master of computer-generated imagery (CGI) – production. In a movie featuring CGI dragons, ogres, and hobbits, CGI animals would have fit in perfectly. He could have madeThe Hobbit without using a single animal – and he should have.

When it was pointed out to Ms. Huggington that hobbits weren’t CGI animals but real actors shot in ways that made them look small, she looked confused. “No, that can’t be right,” she said, scratching her head. “I mean, you can tell the real animals, like wargs, from the fake ones like Martin Freeman. They just look realer, you know?”

PETA wants CGI animals like Martin Freeman used in future productions.

“Anyway, the point is, what sense does it make to go to all the effort of buying a chicken and putting it in the background when you could simply pay a crack team of computer programmers to create CGI chickens at about a million dollars each?”

“I just can’t understand how these monsters think!” she cried, clutching her chihuahua in anguish.

Peter Jackson, upon being told of the petition, snarled into the camera and said: “I eat wargs for breakfast! Ahahahaha!” and then set his pet Rottweilers on some PETA protesters, which placed them in a rather tricky moral dilemma.

Animal lover Jamie Kingston (24) said that while she sympathised with PETA’s aims, she found the protest against The Hobbit rather confusing. “Yeah, like, it’s bad and all but if the number of animals abused is what counts, wouldn’t we be better off protesting outside a supermarket? You can find at least a dozen chickens being abused just on the rotisserie.”

A spokesperson for the film said Peter Jackson had enough trouble looking after himself, let alone the animals on set.

Hobbit fan Ritchie Frinkle (33), who has already started queuing for the premiere, looked aghast when handed the petition. “You want me to miss The Hobbit because there’s a rumour a warg died during production? Do I look like I give even an imaginary shit?”

The majority of filmgoers’ attitudes were summed up by Anne Naughton (35), a mother-of-two who intends to take her children to The Hobbit this Xmas despite the protests. “I kind of care,” she said, when asked on the street. “But I really don’t want to be associated with that Huggington douchebag.”

“And I’d gladly wring a dozen chickens’ necks myself if I thought it would get my kids to shut up and give me some peace for two hours.”

Obama Congratulates Celtic on Historic Victory

Washington – In the wake of last night’s historic victory, President Barack Obama today paid a moving and emotional tribute to an inspirational event that lifted the hopes and dreams of billions around the world – Celtic’s 2-1 win over Barcelona in the Champion’s League.

Obama celebrates Celtic’s win with youngest daughter specially dressed in green for the occasion.

In front of a giant audience of overjoyed soccer fans, Obama praised how Celtic’s courageous defiance of the odds had renewed his faith in the audacity of hope:

No matter what you do or where you go from here, you will carry the memory of the history we made together. (Cheers, applause.) And you will have the lifelong appreciation of a grateful president. Thank you for believing all the way – (cheers, applause) – to every hill, to every valley. (Cheers, applause.) You lifted me up the whole day, and I will always be grateful for everything that you’ve done and all the incredible work that you’ve put in. (Cheers, applause.)

Added Obama in a full-throated roar:

I can’t believe an 18 year-old came off the bench to score the winner! Tony Watt, you fucking beauty!!!!!!!!!

Barcelona are widely regarded as the greatest football team in the world and boast many of the world’s greatest players, including legends like Lionel Messi, Andres Iniesta, and Xavi Hernandez. However, these genii are all quite short, a fact Celtic exploited ruthlessly.

“Aye, we knew they were a bit on the wee side,” said manager Neil Lennon. “So we practised hoofin’ it long, right on top of their wee Spanish heads, ya know? Knockin’ it to back post, getting the big black fella’s nut on it, that sor’ of thing.”

“Take tha’, Messi, ya fuckin’ midget!” he bellowed triumphantly, giving the fist of victory to the cheering multitudes.

“My biggest dream is to be the big black fella nutting it in at the far post,” said a hopeful Obama.

Back in Washington, Obama admitted that Lennon’s forceful oratory had brought him to tears. In the wake of Celtic’s victory, he also acknowledged that a great event like that had the power to make politics just seem like a petty game:

Political campaigns can sometimes seem small, even silly. And that provides plenty of fodder for the cynics who tell us that politics is nothing more than a contest of egos or the domain of special interests.

After taking a hearty swig from a can of Irn-Bru, Obama tried to imitate the rhetorical flourishes of his Scottish heroes:

I’m glad I go’ tha’ election shite over in time to watch the match. Come on you Bhoys in green!

Getting drunker by the second on what is actually a Scottish soft drink, Obama went a bit over the top as he waxed lyrical on the promise of a new dawn held out by Celtic’s amazing victory, predicting that in the future everyone would be able to beat Barcelona:

If you’re willing to work hard, it doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from or what you look like or where you love. It doesn’t matter whether you’re black or white or Hispanic or Asian or Native American or young or old or rich or poor, abled, disabled, gay or straight. (Cheers, applause.)

Dejected Rangers and Barcelona fan Mitt Romney said this was the worst night of his life.

Pausing a little for effect, he said:

The only thing tha’ ma’ers is you’re no’ one o’ those Rangers-supporting Prod cunts! (Cheers, applause.) How ya doin’ down there in Sco’ish Turd Division, Rangers? (Cheers, hoots of derision, various sectarian abuse.) Maybe I should ask Mitt Romney to go have a word with ya, tell you all about what’s it like to be LOOOOO-SERRRRRRRS! (Huge cheers, shirts ripped off, gunshots.)

The global press reacted cautiously to Obama’s somewhat overblown victory speech but admitted that nothing much could really take the gloss off a special night in World History.

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