October 6, 2012 Leave a comment
London – Upset by the news that EL James’ Fifty Shades of Grey has surpassed Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows as the best-selling novel in British history, JK Rowling today said she was determined to regain her crown by targeting both the young adult and porn-addicted housewife markets.
Said Rowling: “I am always conscious of the changing needs of book lovers, and the new desire for books that can be held one handed. My unique brand of whimsical fantasy is no longer in vogue.”
“Instead, this is,” she added, holding a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey at arm’s length with her fingertips, as if it were the oft-used ass-clamp of Christian Grey.
Traditionally, British readers have been too repressed to buy porn that wasn’t written by DH Lawrence. However, Fifty Shades of Grey somehow reached an elusive tipping point and became that rarest of things – socially acceptable middle-class porn. Now it is being sold out of large bins at supermarket checkouts, while the red-faced British public pretends to discuss its literary merits and social significance.
“I’ve studied it very closely,” said Rowling with grudging respect. “It seems sexually frustrated middle-aged women like reading the same descriptions over and over again. Christian Grey is either an ‘Adonis’, ‘flashing his grey eyes’, or ‘throbbing’. And whenever he hogties a woman and straps her to his punishment bench for a spanking, it’s important she participates out of feminist principles.”
“When his gloved hand smacks her buttocks so hard it looks like she has a baboon’s ass, it has to be a spiritual awakening for her inner goddess,” added Rowling.
Rowling said that Hermione’s first sexual experience would not be with long-term boyfriend Ron Weasley but an older member of the Hogwarts community
“Obviously, some adolescent fumblings between Hermione and Ron aren’t going to excite anyone,” remarked Rowling. “He is a ginger after all. No, Hermione needs someone older, more experienced, more mature, preferably with a huge rock-hard cock. I think you all know who I’m talking about.”
She then read aloud from Chapter 4 of Fifty Shades of Hogwarts.
Hermione gasped as he ripped off his well-tailored trousers, revealing a throbbing member so huge it blocked her view of the towers of Hogwarts. ‘O! It’s magnificent!’ she gasped. ‘I never imagined it could be so big!’ Suddenly the fragile chrysalis of her girlhood fell away and she felt her inner goddess blossom inside her like a rapidly enlarging phallus.
From down on her knees, she looked up at the man who had so long been her friend but could see little around the thick shaft of his throbbing manhood. From this perspective she had difficulty telling the difference between his bushy beard and his Adonis-like pubic hair.
Hagrid’s grey eyes flashed. “Och aye, there’s something ye should ken before I let ye touch it,” he growled in a manly Scottish accent. “I donnae make love or any o’ tha’ shite. I like ta fuck – hard.”
As the novel progresses, Hermione discovers her inner goddess really loves being a dominatrix and proceeds to dominate Hagrid using her superior magic.
“No, nooooo, I cannae do it now, I’m busy!” protested Hagrid. But Hermione’s inner goddess demanded only submission to her fulminating female desires. No more would a man make excuses to her, such as ‘It’s been a long day,’ or ‘I have to walk the giant spiders.’ As a woman, she was entitled to everything she wanted, whenever she wanted it, with whomever she wanted it with.
“Engorgio!” she commanded, pointing her wand at his flaccid penis. Hagrid’s grey eyes flashed helplessly as his erection throbbed before her divine feminine power and beauty. “Spankiarmus!” Her broom gave his meaty behind a firm paddling as she watched like the queen she and every woman was born to be. “Cunnilingustus!” As his wet tongue worshipped her womanhood, her inner goddess swelled with a greater love for herself and her glorious female body than she had ever known…
The novel ends with Hermione realising that the male Muggle world is hers for the taking and she proceeds to sexually overpower leading Muggle heartthrobs such as George Clooney, Johnny Depp, Robert Pattinson, Jude Law, and all of One Direction simultaneously.
Advance sales of the book have already reached the fifty million mark and women are already queuing by the ‘mommy porn’ bins at Sainsbury’s with large buckets of chocolate ice cream and Australian Shiraz. A statement by EL James said the author was rushing to meet demand with her own young adult porn fantasy, Christian Grey and the Trouser-Snake of Slitherin.
For fans of young adult fantasy and bored housewife porn, the future looks as rosy as Hermione’s delicately teased nipples. “I think the strong competition makes this a great era for British literature,” said Rowling. “Just imagine what Shakespeare and Dickens could achieve if they were alive today.”