Obama Congratulates Celtic on Historic Victory

Washington – In the wake of last night’s historic victory, President Barack Obama today paid a moving and emotional tribute to an inspirational event that lifted the hopes and dreams of billions around the world – Celtic’s 2-1 win over Barcelona in the Champion’s League.

Obama celebrates Celtic’s win with youngest daughter specially dressed in green for the occasion.

In front of a giant audience of overjoyed soccer fans, Obama praised how Celtic’s courageous defiance of the odds had renewed his faith in the audacity of hope:

No matter what you do or where you go from here, you will carry the memory of the history we made together. (Cheers, applause.) And you will have the lifelong appreciation of a grateful president. Thank you for believing all the way – (cheers, applause) – to every hill, to every valley. (Cheers, applause.) You lifted me up the whole day, and I will always be grateful for everything that you’ve done and all the incredible work that you’ve put in. (Cheers, applause.)

Added Obama in a full-throated roar:

I can’t believe an 18 year-old came off the bench to score the winner! Tony Watt, you fucking beauty!!!!!!!!!

Barcelona are widely regarded as the greatest football team in the world and boast many of the world’s greatest players, including legends like Lionel Messi, Andres Iniesta, and Xavi Hernandez. However, these genii are all quite short, a fact Celtic exploited ruthlessly.

“Aye, we knew they were a bit on the wee side,” said manager Neil Lennon. “So we practised hoofin’ it long, right on top of their wee Spanish heads, ya know? Knockin’ it to back post, getting the big black fella’s nut on it, that sor’ of thing.”

“Take tha’, Messi, ya fuckin’ midget!” he bellowed triumphantly, giving the fist of victory to the cheering multitudes.

“My biggest dream is to be the big black fella nutting it in at the far post,” said a hopeful Obama.

Back in Washington, Obama admitted that Lennon’s forceful oratory had brought him to tears. In the wake of Celtic’s victory, he also acknowledged that a great event like that had the power to make politics just seem like a petty game:

Political campaigns can sometimes seem small, even silly. And that provides plenty of fodder for the cynics who tell us that politics is nothing more than a contest of egos or the domain of special interests.

After taking a hearty swig from a can of Irn-Bru, Obama tried to imitate the rhetorical flourishes of his Scottish heroes:

I’m glad I go’ tha’ election shite over in time to watch the match. Come on you Bhoys in green!

Getting drunker by the second on what is actually a Scottish soft drink, Obama went a bit over the top as he waxed lyrical on the promise of a new dawn held out by Celtic’s amazing victory, predicting that in the future everyone would be able to beat Barcelona:

If you’re willing to work hard, it doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from or what you look like or where you love. It doesn’t matter whether you’re black or white or Hispanic or Asian or Native American or young or old or rich or poor, abled, disabled, gay or straight. (Cheers, applause.)

Dejected Rangers and Barcelona fan Mitt Romney said this was the worst night of his life.

Pausing a little for effect, he said:

The only thing tha’ ma’ers is you’re no’ one o’ those Rangers-supporting Prod cunts! (Cheers, applause.) How ya doin’ down there in Sco’ish Turd Division, Rangers? (Cheers, hoots of derision, various sectarian abuse.) Maybe I should ask Mitt Romney to go have a word with ya, tell you all about what’s it like to be LOOOOO-SERRRRRRRS! (Huge cheers, shirts ripped off, gunshots.)

The global press reacted cautiously to Obama’s somewhat overblown victory speech but admitted that nothing much could really take the gloss off a special night in World History.

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