After Run of Defeats, Queen Commits to Beating Ireland at Hurling by 2025

Buckingham Palace, London – After watching Ireland successively humiliate England in cricket, racing, and rugby, the Queen called today for the people of England to devote all their energies to beating the Irish at hurling by 2025.

Queen Elizabeth II watches Ireland destroy England's Grand Slam hopes.

Queen Elizabeth II watches Ireland destroy England's Grand Slam hopes.

“Too long has one let the Irish taunt one at one’s own games,” declared the Queen with the thin-lipped bitterness of someone who lost a fair bit of her pension when the Irish swept the card on the opening day of Cheltenham.

“And it avails one nought to beat them in return, for they care not for the sports themselves. The gentle smack of leather on willow, the masterful riding of heaving stallions, the sweaty pursuit of oddly shaped balls – these simple yet beloved English pastimes are not valued by the Irish. They care only for the gloating when they win.”

“Paddy does love to have good old gloat,” added the Queen in a burning whisper as she replayed the final overs of Ireland’s famous defeat of the English cricket team in her mind.

“But one cannot have the posterior of one’s most royal sporting dignity so brazenly molested by a bunch of Micks, in full view of the world,” continued the Queen. “We must hit them where it hurts – in their sliotars.”

“I call on the people of England to devote all their energies to beating the Irish at hurling by 2025.”

A leather-clad Willow said she hoped the English found a new pastime soon.

A leather-clad Willow said she hoped the English found a new pastime soon.

News of the Queen’s speech at first raised mocking laughter across Ireland, swiftly followed by a deep sense of unease.

“Haahaha!” guffawed legendary hurling manager Ger Loughnane when he heard it. “Impossible! I’d love to see them try.”

“Although,” he added, scratching his head, “hurling hasn’t exactly had the best few years here. I mean, there’s only Kilkenny left in Leinster, the North may as well be playing tiddlywinks, and Connacht hasn’t got enough wood to make a single hurley.”

“And an awful lot of good young players have headed off to England because of the recession,” he added gloomily. “Jesus, you know, if they made all them English and set up a league for them, they wouldn’t be half bad.”

Loughnane shuddered involuntarily at the thought of the Queen hoisting the McCarthy Cup over Croke Park. “Ah, no, Ger, cop on, get a grip,” he muttered to himself. “Sure, it couldn’t really happen, could it?”

In a bid to forestall even the possibility that the English might put together a decent team and challenge for the All-Ireland championships, new Taoiseach Enda Kenny apologised to the English people for any recent upsets.

Kenny winked and said his discussions with the Queen on the hurling issue had been positive.

Kenny winked and said his discussions with the Queen on the hurling issue had been positive.

“We would, you know, like to say, cap in hand and hand on heart and heart in mouth, sure, that without eating our hats we’re sorry about batin’ ye out of shite recently in all sorts of sports,” said Kenny with his usual off-the-cuff mastery of the English language.

“I hope we can maintain our gentleman’s aggrievement that we only play the sports that matter to the English, and in which defeat doesn’t bother us at all.”

The Queen, however, was having none of Kenny’s confusing attempt to weasel Ireland out of its difficulties.

“Oh, it’s ON,” answered the Queen, glaring directly into the camera. “It’s on, bitches. You can’t go around trying to pretend that it’s not on, when it very much fucking is on.”

“IT’S ON!” repeated the Queen, before setting fire to a toy leprechaun’s crotch and clubbing it to death with the microphone.

Ireland's sliotars wait hopelessly for the English backlash.

Ireland's sliotars wait hopelessly for the English backlash.

Under the Queen’s direction, England has now organised Ireland’s ex-patriot hurlers into a nationwide league with a minimum wage of €50,000 for each player, a national academy of excellence for promising youngsters, and regular coverage on Sky.

A shellshocked Ger Loughnane reviewed England’s plans for hurling domination and acknowledged that Ireland couldn’t hope to compete with the English Premier Hurling League.

“That’s the bitch about being Irish,” said Loughnane bitterly. “Even the good stuff, like beating the English, rebounds to hit you right in the sliotars.”

Butchers Worry as Dustin the Turkey Made Minister for Christmas Dinners

Dublin – Butchers, turkey farmers, and consumers across the country expressed concern yesterday at the news that the new coalition government has appointed Dustin the Turkey as the new head of the Ministry of Christmas Dinners.

Voters fear that the promised turkey cuts won't happen.

Voters fear that the promised turkey cuts won't happen.

The Fine Gael-Labour coalition has recently caused public concern by appointing a Labour minister as head of public sector reform, even though Labour draws a majority of its political support from members of public sector unions.

Now, however, the coalition has gone one step forward by putting a well-known turkey in charge of the menu for the annual Christmas dinner.

Local butcher Mattie Connors (45) said this had worrying implications for Ireland’s turkey economy. “Christmas turkey sales are essential for small butchers, especially with the economy the way it is,” said Connors angrily. “If we don’t make cuts in those turkeys by Christmas, every small business in Ireland will be bankrupt.”

Turkey farmer Ger Laffey (38) said the situation was even worse than that. “Right now, thanks to the policy of Social Turkey Partnership, Ireland is awash in turkeys just gobbling down grain. If we don’t cut them and serve them up for Christmas dinner, this country will be awash with turkeys eating us out of house and home.”

“Something needs to be done, but I just feel Dustin may have a conflict of interests here that prevents him doing his job properly.”

Minister Dustin addressed concerns over the move in an interview with RTE news.

Flamboyant new Minister for Christmas Dinners, Dustin the Turkey, speaks to the press.

Flamboyant new Minister for Christmas Dinners, Dustin the Turkey, speaks to the press.

“I am delighted and honoured to be able to serve the country at this time of crisis,” said Dustin, beaming with pride at his new ministerial red box and driver. “We all know that these are hard times, that cuts must be made, and that some things must be sacrificed.”

“But I ask you, are turkeys the thing we must sacrifice? Do those cuts have to made in the giblets of our hard-working, underpaid, and under-appreciated turkeys?”

“We here at the Ministry of Christmas Dinners will be looking carefully at what exactly we can cut, without hurting turkeys too much.”

The Ministry of Christmas Dinners has been set up after a number of catastrophic Christmases in recent years, including the great storm of 2005 that brought down the electricity grid and the blizzards last year that trapped Santa at Dublin Airport.

Now that the country is virtually bankrupt after years of cosy clientelism between politicians, bankers, public sector unions, and property developers, fears are growing that the next few Christmases may not be all that merry either.

Coalition leaders Kenny and Gimore said they had full confidence in their ministerial turkeys.

Coalition leaders Kenny and Gimore said they had full confidence in their ministerial turkeys.

Visiting members of the IMF have responded to the Christmas crisis by demanding that Ireland immediately make savage cuts in its turkeys in order to restore the festive spirit of Christmas.

Minister Dustin, however, said that the IMF and EU didn’t rule Ireland just yet. “We here in the Labour party feel there are many alternatives to cutting turkeys. Brussels could always loan us a few more sprouts; that’d surely tide everyone over for a few years.”

“And I hear the IMF has some good Indian. I think these are definitely options we need to explore before reaching for the cleaver.”

Consumers said they felt sorry for turkeys, but added they should at least have to cut back on the extra rations they had been given under the previous FF government in order to fatten them up for Christmas. Minister Dustin, however, said this wasn’t feasible.

Minister Dustin said the coalition would seek an increase in Brussel sprouts from the EU to feed the turkeys.

Minister Dustin said the coalition would seek an increase in Brussel sprouts from the EU to feed the turkeys.

“You can’t ask a turkey that’s been stuffing its face on public grain to suddenly take a bit less,” argued Dustin. “It’s very bad for them. They’d feel hungry all the time and have to work a bit harder just to get something to eat.”

“You surely don’t want them to end up as ragged as the poor guys you see delivering the turkey grain, do you?” he asked with a rhetorical flourish.

Dejected voter and lover of Christmas turkey Gemma Barry (21) said that this election was the first time she had voted, and probably the last. “I thought voting might make a difference,” she said dolefully. “I thought we might be able to get rid of Brussel sprouts at Christmas dinners. Now it looks like we’ll be eating them for the foreseeable future.”

Asked if she expected Dustin to resign due to conflict of interests, Ms. Barry shrugged helplessly. “What would it matter?” she asked. “They’re all a bunch of turkeys.”

UN Dispatches Administrators to Aid Libyan Rebellion

Misrata – As civil war between Libyan rebels and tyrannical dictator Colonel Gaddafi rages, the UN has responded by demanding the immediate dispatch of senior administrators, and called on the world to make sure they are adequately equipped with stationery.

The brutal conflict has already taken an immense toll on the people of Libya. A local doctor at Misrata told the BBC: “They bombed all the houses with heavy weapons. They intentionally gunned and exploded our drug store. They bombed even around our hospital but fortunately nobody was injured. More than five mosques which I know are bombed.”

Libyan refugees look hopefully to the skies for the arrival of the UN bureaucrats.

Libyan refugees look hopefully to the skies for the arrival of the UN bureaucrats.

UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon was quick to reprimand Gaddafi for his actions.

“I call for an immediate halt to the government’s disproportionate use of force and indiscriminate attacks on civilian targets,” read a statement from Mr. Ban’s office. “We would please ask Col. Gaddafi to use force proportionately, and be discriminating in his attacks on civilian targets.”

“I mean, was there really any good reason to blow up the drug store?” continued Mr. Ban. “I think there needs to be more common sense and respect for human values in the artillery shelling of your population.”

As tens of thousands of refugees flee the violence, the different UN agencies swung into action.

Valerie Amos, head of the UN Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs (OCHA) said that she is “rapidly deploying a team to Cairo to reinforce the UN Resident Coordinator in Tripoli, Libya’s capital, and put in place immediately coordination mechanisms.”

"It's hard to tell from here if this particular act of violence is disproportionate or indiscriminate," said Mr. Ban.

"It's hard to tell from here if this particular act of violence is disproportionate or indiscriminate," said Mr. Ban.

“There is only one response to the violent and destructive actions of Col. Gaddafi in suppressing the rights of the Libyan people,” said Ms. Amos sternly. “The immediate dispatch to somewhere nearby of a team of crack bureaucrats.”

“Once in place these bureaucrats will proceed to compile reports on how we may best proceed to process the procession of refugees fleeing Libya, and what structures may be constructed to prevent the obstruction of the democratic desires of the Libyan people.”

Ms. Amos then called on the US to finally pay its UN dues, so the bureaucrats could have adequate supplies of notepads, pencils, printing paper, ink cartridges, staples, and paper clips.

As the OCHA raced to implement procedural guidelines for the draft formatting of provisional reports to the UN General Assembly for consideration in debating a resolution on the ongoing violence in Libya, the UN World Food Programme (WFP) took immediate action against the humanitarian crisis emerging on the ground.

Valerie Amos explains the critical importance of pens to the UN General Assembly.

Valerie Amos explains the critical importance of pens to the UN General Assembly.

According to Ms. Amos, the WFP is dispatching staff to the Egyptian and Tunisian borders to assess needs and “do contingency planning for delivering food assistance to people affected by the violence inside Libya, if there is a need and once the security situation allows.”

This contingency planning will require filing cabinets, folders, and biros to be effective, so the WFP is calling on all member nations to look in their office basements and see if they have anything they could spare.

“We want to go in and do proper assessments,” said Ms. Amos. “But we can’t do that unless the world’s leading nations agree to help us with our dire stationery shortages.”

“Surely the EU and US have plenty of stationery,” she grumbled. “Could they not spare some pencils and paper so we can do our jobs properly?”

Christian Bale Seriously Fucking Pissed Off That Melissa Leo Used ‘F-Word’ in Oscar Speech

Los Angeles – Hollywood was shocked today as new footage emerged from the Oscars that shows Christian Bale angrily reacting on stage to Melissa Leo, winner of the Best Supporting Actress Oscar, for her seriously fucking unprofessional use of the ‘F-word’ in her acceptance speech.

Leo (50) shocked the tender ears of American audiences by saying, “When I watched Kate Winslet two years ago, it looked so fucking easy!” thereby dropping what reporters later called ‘the F-bomb.’

However, new footage that was prevented from being broadcast live by an extensive commercial break has revealed how deeply upset Christian Bale, her co-star in The Fighter, was with the ignorant bitch’s rudeness to her fucking colleagues.

“I want you off the fucking stage, you prick!” interrupted a shocked Bale with a scream at the petrified actress. “No, don’t just be sorry, think for just one fucking second. What the fuck are you doing? Do you think it’s acceptable to just stand up here and swear at these people?”

The furious Bale then punched a couple of dickheaded security men so he could continue remonstrating with Ms. Leo.

“I really don’t mean to offend, and [it was] probably a very inappropriate place to use that particular word,” stammered Leo, shaking. “There’s a great deal of the English language that is in my vernacular.”

"Do you really want me to rip it off?" shrieked Bale, causing many women to faint.

"Do you really want me to rip it off?" shrieked Bale, causing many women to faint.

Bale was in no mood for such feeble excuses, however. “Am I going to walk around and rip down your fucking dress on stage so America can see the sagging tits in your vernacular?” he snarled sarcastically.

“If you don’t want to offend anyone with those inappropriate things, then just keep your fucking dress up. Don’t make me fucking rip it off! Watch your fucking mouth. Don’t just go waltzing around the stage going oh-dee-do-dee-fucking-da while we’re trying to be professional.”

“Fuck,” said Bale, trying to calm himself down in order to go on with the show. “You are so fucking amateur.”

Bale has long been a noted champion of polite manners and courtesy to others. In July 2008, he famously took issue with a fuckwit who disturbed a film set by walking behind the camera while a scene was being filmed. That same month, a discussion over appropriate behaviour led to Bale being arrested for assaulting those well-known bitches – his mother and sister – at Dorchester Hotel.

At the Oscars, the Dark Knight of etiquette continued his crusade against social impropriety.

“Can somebody do something about this bitch?” said Bale, jerking a thumb at the tearful Leo. “She just doesn’t give a FUCK about what’s going on in front of the camera. We’re trying to present a fucking show, live to a fucking global audience, and I can’t concentrate on what I’ve got to do if you keep saying ‘fuck’ to that audience.”

Bale's dismissive thumb gesture is rightly feared in Hollywood.

Bale's dismissive thumb gesture is rightly feared in Hollywood.

“Just stay off the fucking stage,” he said in disgust. “For fuck’s sake. Right, let’s keep going.”

“No, let’s not take a fucking minute, let’s go again!” yelled Bale at the stage manager, who was trying to bring some semblance of calm to proceedings. “You just don’t understand what it’s like fucking working with actors. I’m going to fucking kick your ass if you don’t shut up!”

The live feed then returned, and Bale turned urbanely to the camera to give his acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actor.

While many were shocked by the evening’s events, legendary star Jack Nicholson said it was about fucking time Hollywood stopped presenting sanitised versions of the world and showed it how it is.

“This is as bullshit as the Janet Jackson Superbowl incident,” drawled Nicholson in disgust. “People use the word ‘fuck’; Janet Jackson has tits. I mean, is this information you didn’t already fucking know?”

“Next thing you’ll be taking pictures of the huge dump I just left in the john,” he added, before groaning as the papparazzi made a rush for the toilet.

Chelsea Players Can Still Shoot Accurately, Proves Ashley Cole in Typical Ashley Cole Fashion

London – There are footballers who talk a good game, and there are those who let their actions speak for themselves. English football specialises in producing the former – bullshit artists who can talk their way out of yet another miserable World Cup.

Ashley Cole is not one of those men.

Ashley Cole deepened his hate-loathe relationship with the world yesterday.

Ashley Cole deepened his hate-loathe relationship with the world yesterday.

This week, Cole once again demonstrated his utter disregard for public opinion by making a public statement in the way only Ashley Cole can. With Chelsea under increasing pressure, Cole responded to criticism that Chelsea’s aging players can no longer shoot accurately by shooting a work placement student with an air rifle.

Said John Terry, Chelsea captain: “Well, that’s Ashley for you, you know, he’s a passionate guy who don’t give a toss. If he wants to say something – and he said he don’t have nothin’ to say to you shitheads – then he knows how to make himself heard.”

“I mean, would you really prefer it if Ashley came here in person to let you know what he thinks?” asked Terry, looking around at the assembled journalists inching closer to the exit in case Cole should decide to make an appearance. “You all know there’s nothing I like more than shagging the left-back’s wife, and Cheryl Cole was a real stunner, but I ain’t fuckin’ nuts.”

Cole has 87 caps for England, three Premier league titles, and a record 6 FA Cup winners’ medals. He is one of the only English players never to look outclassed on the world stage, having been England’s best player at many major tournaments.

Despite these handicaps, Cole has succeeded in his aim of becoming one of the most loathed and feared footballers of his generation.

Manager Carlo Ancelotti said that he was disappointed but not surprised by the shooting.

"Not with a ten-foot pole!" said John Terry emphatically.

"Not with a ten-foot pole!" said John Terry emphatically.

“Ashley is his own man,” said the cosmopolitan Italian. “He is the only man I know who keeps an air rifle in his dressing room locker. He said he keeps it there just in case anyone got any funny ideas after that gay orgy story broke.”

“Nobody gets any funny ideas about Ashley in our dressing room,” said Ancelotti gravely.

Ancelotti was particularly put out by the idea that Alex Ferguson would not have tolerated such behaviour.

“It’s easy for Alex Ferguson!” exploded Ancelotti. “He only ever had to deal with pricks like Gary Neville, who was all talk. The problem with Ashley Cole is, he no talk. He just do it. He’s like a Nike ad made by Quentin Tarantino.”

Despite his personality and behaviour, Ashley Cole has oddly acquired a certain dignity in the context of English football. Irish sports journalist Dion Lynch spoke guardedly of his baffling respect for Cole.

“Most English footballers try to present two faces to the world; Cole has one face – the ugly face – and he refuses to hide it. You have to have some respect for a man not willing to hide the truth, which is why people hate him so much.”

“For example, he’s never apologised for his many affairs with women who weren’t as good looking as his wife,” said Lynch. “When Tiger Woods apologised for his affairs, it broke him as a sportsman, because he knew in his heart that he was no longer true to himself.”

Ashley Cole responds to an unwanted homosexual advance.

“Ashley Cole is always true to himself, which is why he’s such a great footballer and unabashed cunt.”

Lynch feels that insufficient attention is paid to the profundity of Cole’s philosophy of living.

“After the 2010 World Cup, when he publicly said: ‘I hate England and it’s fucking people,’ we knew it was inappropriate and wrong. But also right, in the sense that Cole was expressing a deeper truth, one we all at some level understood but could not articulate. How can England hope to win the World Cup, with such fucking people?”

“And then Cole proved it by being the only player to play well and still coming home the most despised. The English never understand football, because they are distracted by bullshit. Ashley Cole is never distracted by bullshit.”

“When that student had his hands up begging for mercy, he didn’t listen to any of his bullshit.”

“For a true professional like Cole, you don’t hesitate when you have the chance to shoot.”

True to form, Ashley Cole soon tweeted that Dion Lynch could go fuck himself, and the rest of Ireland with him.

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