Apocalypse Industry Predicts Continuing Growth in 2013

Bugarch, France – After a bumper 2012, in which fears of an apocalypse were caused by a minor defect in the ancient Mayan calendar, the apocalypse industry announced at its annual convention today in the town of Bugarach, France, that it foresaw a bright future for 2013, followed by death.

Dame Nostra Ussi delivers her keynote address to the apocalypse industry.

Dame Nostra Ussi delivers her keynote address to the apocalypse industry.

Industry spokesperson Dame Nostra Ussi (42) said: “There are all kinds of economic doomsayers predicting that we will never have another year like 2012, but I believe the apocalypse industry has a rosy future ahead of it.”

“And I’m not just talking about the massive solar flare that will wipe out all life on this planet,” she quipped to general amusement.

Predicting the apocalypse has traditionally been a niche area of the global economy and is largely associated in the popular imagination with bearded cult leaders like Charles Manson, David Koresh, Karl Marx and Jesus Christ. In recent years, however, its reputation has been damaged by the intrusion of science.

“That Y2K nonsense single-handedly put back the industry by at least a dozen years,” declared Dame Ussi in ringing tones. “These scientists have brought our product into disrepute with their pathetic, irrational fears. Honestly, how people fell for that bullshit is beyond me.

“We’re lucky the Mayan apocalypse came along when it did.”

A Taiwanese apocalyptic cult about to be very disappointed.

A Taiwanese apocalyptic cult about to be very disappointed.

The long-awaited day of the Mayan ‘Fifth Sun’, predicted for 21/12/2012, sparked a renaissance of interest in the end of the world and prompted both Australian PM Julia Gillard and NASA to release public videos addressing the end of the world, although as a representative of the scientific community NASA obviously had no credibility.

“In the past few years we have sold documentaries, movies, books, music, and innumerable articles on the end of the world,” said Ussi. “We even propagated an internet hoax saying that Gangnam Style guy was one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Sales of New Age crystals have quintupled; tarot card sales are through the roof; there’s a shortage of trained homeopathists.

“Jesus, some people were so worried they even went to live in Australia, although I don’t think any responsible industry should promote such reckless disregard for its customers.

“There are worse things than the end of the world, after all.”

Ussi said the apocalypse industry had found its feet again by focusing on its core principles. “Natural disasters with vaguely religious overtones of judgment – that’s our meal ticket, people. Plague, zombies, mega-earthquakes, giant meteors, possibly Obamacare depending on your audience. The threat has to be large and vague enough to somehow be caused by either gay marriage or Wall Street.

Roomba Robots have failed to excite the imagination of apocalyptic cults anywhere.

Roomba Robots have failed to excite the imagination of apocalyptic cults anywhere.

“And don’t let the scientists distract you with talk of robots!” she thundered. “That’s just a dead end. The only robot anyone’s actually seen is a Roomba, and what’s that supposed to do, vacuum the world to death?

Science,” she sneered.

Ussi said that the apocalypse industry could replicate the success of 2012 by focusing on Asian bird flu and possibly the return of SARS. “Global warming is just too slow. We need to concentrate on the danger posed by fast-acting airborne diseases which, admittedly, have a less than 10% fatality rate but might through the sexual and financial deviancy of married gay stockbrokers become as lethal as Ebola.

“If we do that, then I believe we can post three quarters of solid growth in 2013 before the mass extinction of the human race makes a significant dent in our fourth quarter prospects.”

Ussi also announced an ambitious plan to lobby for government funding due to the mental health benefits of the apocalypse. “Obviously, there are a lot of unhappy people out there,” said Ussi. “And one of the things that makes them unhappy is the happiness of others. That’s the appeal of the end of the world – not only will your misery end, but you won’t have to die knowing the rest of the world doesn’t give a shit. When the plague hits, everyone’s going to give the diarrhoea of shits.

Apocalypticists promoting the peaceful, non-violent end of the human race.

Apocalypticists promoting the peaceful, non-violent end of the human race.

“However, certain enthusiasts have recently been taking matters into their own hands,” said Ussi disapprovingly. “And what can the scientists do about that? Nothing! That’s because psychology and sociology are complete bullshit. What you need is a publicly funded institution for the end of the world in every town.

“That way all the people liable to hurry Ragnarok along with a Kalashnikov and a Bowie knife will show up where we can show them the error of their ways. You can’t take God’s judgment into your own hands. You have to wait until next December when the sun goes nova.

“A federal programme establishing Centres of Human Extinction in each community could seriously reduce deaths from mass shootings.

“After all, these people are our target audience,” added Ussi. “Having them go on murder-suicide rampages is bad for our bottom line.”

“We need to make them wait until next year like everyone else.”

NRA Announces “Guns for Kids” Scheme to Prevent School Shootings

Connecticut – In the wake of the tragic mass killing of twenty children and six women at an elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut, the National Rifle Association (NRA) has announced a new plan to prevent any more shootings at American schools by ensuring every American schoolchild exercises its right under the Second Amendment to bear arms.

Mars Krieglieber taking a stand against crazy lone gunmen.

Mars Krieglieber taking a stand against crazy lone gunmen.

A sorrowful Mars Krieglieber (42), the vice-president of the NRA, announced the new scheme at a ceremony to commemorate the victims. “The threats to our children from gun violence are increasing year on year,” warned Mr. Krieglieber. “Think of Columbine, Virginia Tech, and now Sandy Hook Elementary School. It is time we took bold and decisive action to make sure no more of our children are shot dead in our schools.”

“I call on Congress to make funds available to ensure every schoolchild in America has a gun and isn’t afraid to use it.”

The ‘Guns for Kids’ scheme will ensure that every child on its first day of school is given a pistol with a particularly sensitive trigger so they will have no difficulty squeezing it in the event of being attacked by a homicidal maniac.

The NRA says it has commissioned a study whose statistics prove this is the only sensible course of action. According to the report, a shocking 100% of child victims in school shootings are unarmed.

“See, that’s the only statistic that matters right there!” said Krieglieber passionately. “The problem isn’t that crazy people can buy guns. The problem is that our kids can’t shoot back.”

Noted Republican Jesus H. Christ supports 'Guns for Kids.'

Noted Republican Jesus H. Christ supports ‘Guns for Kids.’

“We need serious reform of America’s gun laws to remove destructive limitations on gun ownership. This tragedy has shown us that archaic laws and traditions from the 18th century saying five year-olds shouldn’t have firearms have no place in modern America.”

Reform of gun laws is a hot topic in the USA, which has a massively higher rate of violent homicide than any other advanced nation. Krieglieber, however, believes the problem lies not simply with gun laws but within the American education system.

“All these people who say that countries with stricter gun laws have fewer violent deaths just show what’s wrong with the education system in this country,” said Krieglieber impatiently. “If our kids could open fire at will then there wouldn’t be any violent deaths from school shootings so those numbers are all skewed to begin with.”

“This kind of faulty reasoning is what happens when you spend all your time teaching math instead of basic marksmanship.”

The executive director of Gun Owners of America, Larry Pratt, was quick to endorse the new scheme. Said Pratt:

Gun control supporters have the blood of little children on their hands… This tragedy underscores the urgency of getting rid of gun bans on school zones. The only thing accomplished by gun free zones is to ensure that mass murderers can slay more before they are finally confronted by someone with a gun.

Even moderate commentators suggested that the NRA’s plan was certainly worth thinking about. Jeffrey Goldberg of The Atlantic wrote:

People should have the ability to defend themselves. Mass shootings take many lives in part because no one is firing back at the shooters. The shooters in recent massacres have had many minutes to complete their evil work, while their victims cower under desks or in closets… law-abiding, well-trained, non-criminal, wholly sane citizens have a role to play in their own self-defence.

Goldberg said Israel was a role model for dealing with violence in a humane manner.

Goldberg said Israel was a role model for dealing with violence in a humane manner.

Goldberg admitted there were some flaws in his scheme. “Well, as shooters can buy fully automatic machine guns over the Internet using a credit card, our schoolchildren will need superior firepower. Ultimately the government will have to give them access to military grade weaponry to make sure they’re safe. I would recommend training children in the use of grenades and even flamethrowers to flush out shooters hiding in supply closets.”

House Republicans were quick to hail the new initiative, saying it could solve many of the country’s problems at one stroke.

“The ‘Guns for Kids’ scheme is exactly what this country needs,” declared Rep. Magnum Winchester (Texas). “Not only will it keep our kids safe, it will help reduce the federal deficit. We can pay for it simply by transferring all healthcare funding to the arms industry. This will create strong American jobs making guns for our kids while the resulting drop in violent shootings will mean we won’t need so many hospitals anyway.”

“On top of that, by incorporating arms industry spending into education, we can massively increase our education budget. It’s the right thing to do for our children’s future.”

Some Tea Party activists said the solution lay in going back to the original meaning of the Second Amendment. “The Constitution of the United States,” said Mary-Lou Wesson (41) proudly, “gives every American the right to bear arms or arm bears. I think it’s time for Option 2.”

“Ain’t no crazy person going to attack no kids when they is protected by a grizzly bear packing an Uzi,” she added. “Yeah.”

A poster from the Tea Party's 'arm bears' campaign.

A poster from the Tea Party’s ‘arm bears’ campaign.

A nation divided other whether or not to provide schools with military grade weaponry or armed grizzly security bears or perhaps some as yet unknown other solution looked with diminishing hope to President Obama for leadership.

Faced with demands for tough new legislation, Obama showed characteristic boldness in ignoring those demands and opting for soothing rhetoric. “We are going to have to come together and take meaningful action,” declared the president, meaninglessly.

Perhaps the final word on this tragic debate belongs to Peggy Holmes (9), one of the brave survivors of the Sandy Hook tragedy. “I don’t think there’s really any help,” she whispered confidentially, looking in alarm at a teddy bear cradling a rocket launcher given to her by a Tea Party activist. “The problem isn’t the guns or the arms or the bears or the kids.”

“It’s that half the adults in this country are total dingbats.”

Budget Speech Announces Radical Austerity Cuts to Truth

Dublin – During his budget speech this week, Minister for Finance Michael Noonan said the time had come for hard choices to be made and announced swingeing cuts to the root cause of Ireland’s economic crisis – reality.

Noonan boldly gave two fingers to reality in his budget.

Noonan boldly gave two fingers to reality in his budget.

Said Noonan: “Since late 2008 this country has been reeling under the greatest crisis in our history. Under the guidance of our benevolent European overlords and the most holy mercy of the IMF, we have enacted vital austerity programmes in every area of public life, save the most crucial – the truth.

“It is time to recognise that the truth has gotten us into this mess and it won’t get us out of it. That’s why we desperately need to economise on the amount of truth in our public discourse.”

Mr. Noonan said that TDs needed to embrace the three D’s – deceit, dissimulation and duplicity – in order to stage a fightback against the crushing reality of Ireland’s situation. He used his budget speech to illustrate the many styles of deception available.

“There are manifest signs that the country is emerging from the worst of the crisis and that the efforts of the Irish people, despite the hardship, are leading to success,” declared Mr. Noonan, boldly opening up with outright bullshit.

“There are different measures of success however and in taking stock of where we are I would like to examine them,” he continued, injecting a healthy dose of ‘different perspectives on the truth’ to the mix.

Noonan later economised on his gestures, saying one finger to reality was enough.

Noonan later economised on his gestures, saying one finger to reality was enough.

“The first measure of success is whether the bail out programme is being fulfilled,” said Noonan, fighting reality by redefining ‘economic success’ so it had nothing to do with people having jobs. “If fulfilling the programme were the only measure of success then we are successful.”

Having bravely declared that Ireland was an economic success story, despite being bankrupt, Noonan then stepped up a gear by doing some audacious lying. “We will not dither or procrastinate but will drive forward to lead this country,” he exclaimed in a ringing voice that avoided mentioning that he, the Minister for Finance, was a geography teacher with a limited grasp of economics.

“We will continue to fulfil the conditions of the bail out programme, we will carefully plan full market return, we will build on the strong sectors of the economy and repair the weak sectors until they are strong again, we will grow the economy and create the jobs for which so many out of work and so many young people yearn,” he said, masterfully demonstrating how to acknowledge, and yet deny the existence of, reality.

Mr. Noonan had earlier claimed that there was no reason for the public to be anxious about the budget because “there’s lots of good thing in it.”

After the preamble, he then explained some of these good things:

  1. The economy was doing so well and the women of Ireland were so patriotic that maternity benefit would now be treated as a taxable income.
  2. Children were enjoying life without Playstations and iPads and shoes so much, and getting such good healthy doses of fresh air daily, that the government was cutting child benefit for the benefit of children.
  3. So much work will become available in the coming year that the duration of the jobseeker’s benefit could be cut by three months and hardly anyone would notice.
  4. Research had shown that people enjoyed wine more when it was more expensive, so the duty on wine would be raised to stimulate people’s enjoyment.
  5. Home carers found their vocations so personally rewarding and enriching that the government was dropping the whole sordid issue of money and pay altogether to encourage their spiritual brightness.

After detailing these and many other good things for Irish people in the greatest Budget ever heard anywhere in the universe ever, Mr. Noonan made some final remarks before he prepared to go outside to a victory parade in his honour, where comely maidens would shower him with their maternity benefits and kisses and somewhat more expensive wines.

Noonan explains exactly what he will do to the comely maidens.

Noonan explains exactly what he will do to the comely maidens.

“We have seen a total transformation in only twelve months!” bullshitted Noonan heroically. “Confidence is returning to Ireland! We are now well on the road to recovery so let’s look to the future with confidence.

“I commend this Budget to the House.”

And with that, the Confidence Fairy herself appeared and showered Ireland with riches and gifts and Michael Noonan’s hair grew back into long flowing locks and the rivers turned into fine wines which the people were allowed to drink in return for only a moderate government tax. And all was well in the Land of Confidence and Hope, once the stringent economies in reality had taken effect.

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