Tiger Woods Looking Forward to Playing with US Ryder Cup Team, Wives

Illinois – With the Ryder Cup due to start at the Medinah Country Club this week, American golfing legend Tiger Woods declared he was in ‘great shape’ and really looking forward to playing with the US Ryder Cup Team, and their wives.

The US Ryder Cup wives get ready to meet sex addict Tiger Woods.

“It’s always a thrill for me to represent America in the Ryder Cup,” declared Woods. “When I stand at the pre-tournament ceremony and see my team-mates saluting the flag, I know I couldn’t have asked for eleven better comrades-in-arms. I mean, did you see the women they brought with them?”

Wrapping the Stars and Stripes around his ebony golf shaft, Woods added in an exaggerated Southern drawl: “Some of their wives are also going to be saluting Old Glory this weekend.”

Woods is one of the greatest golfers in the history of the game, having won 14 majors and 74 PGA Tour events. However, his career took a nosedive after it emerged that he had been cheating on his wife with cheaper, skankier versions of his wife.

Asked about his sexual obsession with leggy blondes, Woods said: “You need me to explain this? Man, you country club types are bigger fags than I thought.”

The scandal rocked the US golfing establishment, whose wives are all cheaper, skankier versions of Tiger’s ex. Many leading golfers remain ambivalent about having Tiger Woods represent America.

“It’s a tough one,” admitted US captain Davis Love III. “I mean, on the one hand, the guy’s clearly the greatest player in the world. On the other hand, he’s also the greatest player in the world, if you know what I mean.”

Woods’ former wife, and the knock-off version of his wife he slept with ‘for a taste of something different.’

“That’s why the guys like having Tiger out on the course with them. If he’s playing a four-iron to the fifth green, you know he isn’t spreading your wife over the hotel breakfast table like marmalade on his black pudding.”

Mr. Love III then denied there was any racist element to his simile, saying that marmalade on black pudding was a staple of the American country club scene.

Some of the golfers on the team weren’t so sanguine about the prospect of Woods hanging around this week. Three-time US Masters winner Phil Mickelson said that it was time American golfers took a stand against immoral behaviour.

“Look, no one can deny Tiger Woods is a great golfer,” said Mickelson. “But it’s bad for team morale to have someone so reprehensible among us. His reckless promiscuity could set a bad example for others, like children, or more importantly our wives.”

“It’s not that I don’t trust my wife,” added Mickelson, looking around anxiously as he spoke. “Love happens between overweight middle-aged men and sexy young blonde cheerleaders all the time. There’s no reason why she’d ever sleep with a younger, richer, better-looking, more successful and very well-hung black athlete.”

“Hey, has anyone seen Amy?” asked Mr. Mickelson, suddenly standing up. He then dashed from the press conference clutching his cellphone, which rang without response.

Olazabal taking care of the European Ryder Cup wives.

European team captain Jose Maria Olazabal said that some members of his team were also worried by the threat of Tiger Woods. “Hey, I’m Spanish, so I know mi esposa is satisfied by my fiery Latin passion,” said the cocky Olazabal. “But some of those, how you say, pasty little hobbits from UK are getting worried, maybe rightly so. Rory McIlroy’s dating Caroline Wozniacki, and she’s right up Tiger’s alley.”

“Or maybe that should be vice versa?” mused Olazabal as McIlroy’s face turned pastier.

“Not to worry, I take good care of your wives for you while you play golf,” he said reassuringly.

Woods, however, remained unconcerned by the panic his presence was causing in the rooster house. “Hey, some of their wives are a little nervous, too, at first,” grinned Woods. “But they soon get over it.”

iPhone 5 Queue Just Wants to Go Home

New York – For days they have waited, sleeping rough on the pavement eating fast food out of Styrofoam cartons in the hope of being among the first people in the world to own an iPhone 5. Now, as the moment approaches, the Apple customers who have waited so patiently in line are united by one desire – to go home.

Enthusiasm for the iPhone 5 has waned dramatically among waiting nerds.

“Honestly, it is really starting to stink down here,” complained Janine Corman (21), a graphic design student from NYU. “When I first got down here four days ago, I was all like ‘Wooh! I’m fifteenth in line for the iPhone 5!’ Now, I really, really just want the guys here to stop peeing in the trashcan.”

“I hope the iPhone has an app for burning out short-term memories,” she added with a shudder.

Members of the line said that the initial buzz of excitement had worn off quickly.

“Yeah, we’ve been here for three days now,” said Mark Dinkins (24), who travelled all the way from Connecticut to buy the iPhone 5 at the iconic New York Apple store on Fifth Avenue. “I mean, this is the defining moment of our generation! Just as the iPhone 6 will be for next year’s generation.”

Brain addled by years of Pepsi advertising, Mr. Dinkins explained why he wanted to get the iPhone 5 so badly. “I really need to get to a hospital,” he confided. “Sleeping on the sidewalk is killing my back. And I haven’t been able to move my left foot since this morning.”

“But I think the iPhone 5 has some kind of chiropractic app, so it should be OK,” he said optimistically, gritting his teeth through the pain.

Aside from the physical discomfort, queue members have started to become increasingly irritated with each other.

A forlorn Jacob Wankstein wonders why people always try to shit on his stuff.

“I’m a pretty cool guy, but there are some real haters throwing shade here,” said Jacob Wankstein (28), who describes his profession as ‘hipster.’ “There I was, playing my Pan pipes yesterday, when the guy next to me just took a crap right on top of zucchini and bean sprout salad.”

“He knows I’m a lactose intolerant vegan!” whined Wankstein. “I mean, why would someone commit such a hate crime? Is it because my grandmother was Latvian? Don’t hate me because I’m different, man!”

Mr. Wankstein then started crying as he discovered a turd in his sleeping bag in the shape of a Swastika.

Although his neighbours in the queue remained indifferent, help appeared in the form of some Apple enthusiasts from Occupy Wall Street.

“Yeah, we were just down at Zuccotti Park fighting the capitalist exploitation of the American worker and the privilege of the ivory tower elites,” drawled Gina Gothering (20) while her fellow rebels against the system nodded coolly. “But, the Occupy Wall Street anniversary did clash with the iPhone 5 release. I mean, what are you going to do?”

“But we can fight for justice here, too,” she said, taking her stand next to Mr. Wankstein.

Joe the Plumber teaches Occupy Wall Street to jump the iPhone 5 queue.

“Hey, those Occupy Wall Street bitches are trying to jump the queue!” yelled plumber Joe Grimes (46). There followed a mass brawl between Occupy Wall Street and a group of working class Americans, while Mr. Wankstein tried to soothe frayed nerves by furiously playing Frankie goes to Hollywood’s Relax on his Pan pipes.

But for those who got their hands on the fabled iPhone 5, it all seemed worth it. Henry Klingman (19), who has been at the head of the queue for four days, was ecstatic when he finally emerged from the store with his new phone.

“Oh man, there were times there when I didn’t think I was going to make it,” sobbed Mr. Klingman. “Nights were the worst. I think someone even got gang-raped at one point. But this is the greatest moment of my life – now I can finally go home!”

He opened the new Apple maps app and paused: “Wait, what the fuck am I doing in Wisconsin?” he asked, looking around at the skyscrapers in confusion.

Muslims Riot Against Western Media’s Censorship of Nude Kate Photos

Global protests erupted this week as Muslim communities across the world rioted at the hypocritical and anti-Islamic Western media bias, which continues to mock Muslims by revealing the existence of nude Kate Middleton photos without showing them.

Muslim men protest in Egypt holding a banner demanding “Right to a free press, Kate’s breasts.”

One demonstrator, Muammar Farali (23), said that the suppression of nude Kate photos was clearly an assault on the Islamic community.

“This is typical of the West’s blatant hostility to Islam,” said Mr. Farali, an engineering student from Cairo. “Do you know how hard it is being a strict Muslim man? Our religion forbids drinking, smoking, and taking drugs, and all the bitches have been in purdah since the age of 12. If my balls don’t get to release soon, they are just going to explode!”

“And then, just as I’m thinking that, the BBC tells me that there are nude pictures of Kate Middleton out there? And then they don’t show them? Death to the infidels!” A large crowd of young men roared in support.

Senior figures in the Islamic world have also condemned the West for abandoning the principle of a free press. Leading human rights activist Tariq Habub (41) said that a vital democratic issue was at stake.

“We Muslims believe absolutely in free speech and open governance,” said Mr. Habub. “That’s why we deplore moves by Western media corporations to refrain from publishing these photos. Nothing is more important to a healthy, functioning society than free expression and freedom of information.”

Muslims demand that ‘Christian fascists’ respect the rights of free speech, porn.

“The people have a right to see Kate’s tits!” he cried passionately, while the crowd chanted: “Free press, free breasts.”

The head of the Muslim Council for Women’s Rights, Lerila Noor (52), said that the treatment of Kate Middleton was typical of the West’s degrading attitudes towards women.

“Islam respects the female body,” said Ms. Noor in an interview at her offices in Riyadh. “That’s why we cover it up from head to toe, so the foul Western paparazzi can’t get shots of us in the nip.”

“But in the West women are simply objectified sex objects,” she said in dismay. “Has anyone in the Western media ever had any interest in what Kate Middleton has to say, in who she is as a person? No, they just treat her like a fashion exhibition on legs.”

“The only way for Western women to fight this gender oppression is to take control of their own objectification, like Lady Gaga. Don’t hide it, flaunt it! Parade those tits and arses on your own terms,” she said as the surrounding members of the Muslim Council for Women’s Rights peeled their burqas off and posed suggestively for the flashing cameras.

The Muslim Council for Women’s Right attacks the sexist Western media.

This heady combination of free speech, women’s rights activists, and Kate Middleton’s lissom nudity has ignited large-scale protests across the world for the right of Muslims everywhere to enjoy unobscured views of Kate’s breasts.

However, major Western media outlets remain firm in their stance against radical Islamic demands for free speech. At a news conference today, head of the BBC ethics committee, Sir Jenkins Royston-Hodgson, said: “No way are those camel jockeys allowed to feast their beady eyes on our Princess Kate. There is such a thing as decency! Although I wouldn’t expect those smelly Muslims to know anything about that.”

Outside, the torches and loins of Islamists for a Free Press burned.

Constitutional Convention to Revolutionise Dáil Menu

Dublin – Irish Taoiseach Enda Kenny confronted allegations that the ‘Constitutional Convention’ for political reform was a toothless sideshow by declaring that the convention had been given full authority to recommend sweeping changes to the Dáil cafeteria menu.

Said Kenny: “Four years ago, our nation went bankrupt thanks to major institutional failures, particular in our system of governance. Fine Gael knew then that major changes needed to be changed. We heard your cries for change and change is coming.”

An alarmed Eamon Gilmore hurriedly jumps in to prevent Enda Kenny promising genuine reform.

“The Constitutional Convention will change, radically, the fundamental linchpin of Irish political culture and the single most vital ingredient of a properly functioning democracy – the selection, composition, and function of the Dáil.”

“Cafeteria menu,” he added hastily, after being prompted by an alarmed Eamon Gilmore.

“Change,” repeated Gilmore, after an awkward pause.

Critics had previously accused the government of giving the Convention only peripheral issues, such as blasphemy, to deal with.

“I disagree strongly with those criticisms,” said Mr. Kenny sternly. “Blasphemy is a real challenge to our society. Jesus Christ, it may be second only to the total collapse of the Irish economy due to corruption, flawed institutions, and incompetence!”

“But some people still think the Convention is only allowed a menu of marginal reforms, rather than reforms of the menu itself. Well, I swear by the unsoiled pubes of the Virgin Mary that the Convention will have full control of Dáil menu reform!”

Opposition leader Micheál Martin was quick to denounce the new proposal as ‘a radical threat to Irish democracy.’

“Veal tenderloin on Tuesday afternoons is the birthright of every Fianna Fáil TD!” declared Mr. Martin indignantly.

Said Mr. Martin: “The Dáil menu is one of the signature achievements of previous Fianna Fáil governments. The sumptuous five-course lunches with open bars are the only thing that ensure our TDs occasionally enter the parliament.”

“If the Convention were to scrap veal tenderloin Tuesday, then – Jesus’ gay sandals! – this place would be a ghost town.”

Some leading commentators agreed vigorously with Mr. Martin. “Reform of the Dáil cafeteria menu could be disastrous!” thundered RTE political correspondent Noel Knowles through a mouthful of apple crumble. “Do you know how boring it is being stuck on the Dáil watch? Holy Joseph’s balls! Sure, those parish gombeen men have nothing to say, even when they do show up.”

“If it wasn’t for the tender quail breast in lemon sauce on Fridays I’d never make it through the week.”

Political scientists, however, cautiously welcomed the proposal. “Statistics do indicate that there may be a connection between the Dáil menu and the collapse of the Irish economy,” said Prof. Gavin Frumprock of UCD. “I mean, did you see the fat bastards who were running the country then? Every extra kilo correlated with another thousand euros off the average family income. No wonder we were buggered like altar boys.”

“Cowen and Harney alone probably ate the national pension fund,” he added gloomily.

Brian Cowen and Mary Harney look at each other guiltily when asked where the national pension fund went.

Skeptics argue that the Convention is structured in such a way as to prevent any meaningful reform of the Dáil menu.

“Just look at the make-up of the Convention,” said reform activist Ian Gormley (36). “One-third of the people in it are sitting TDs. There’s no way they’re going to vote for austerity measures like Australian cabernet sauvignon on the wine list. It’s Chateau Lafite or nothing for that lot.”

“Not only that, but they’re only allowing the Convention to ‘propose’ changes to the Dáil. Let’s see what happens if the Convention proposes getting rid of filet mignon on Thursdays and replacing it with porridge. That would save a lot of money and show leadership by example. Will it happen? Did Mary blow the disciples one-by-one at the foot of the cross?”

The Taoiseach, however, denied that his government would reject any proposed austerity measures for politicians that arose from the Convention.

“If the people say we must eat cake,” said the Taoiseach with kingly wisdom, “then let us eat cake.”