Roman Abramovich Shocks Chelsea with New Sacking of Himself

London – In a shock announcement today, Chelsea FC’s billionaire owner Roman Abramovich yet again threw the club’s fortunes into turmoil with another capricious sacking, this time of himself.

An official club statement said, “We’d like to thank Roman for his efforts, but Mr. Abramovich feels this is the right time for the club to move forward without himself. We need a new man to realise his dream of winning the Champions League with Chelsea and if Roman isn’t the man to do it then Mr. Abramovich feels it’s better if Roman leaves.”

Roman Abramovich announced today that he was sacking himself with immediate effect.

Roman Abramovich announced today that he was sacking himself with immediate effect.

The shock news comes after a turbulent time for Chelsea, who started the season in dominant fashion, surging into an early lead with some free-scoring football before Abramovich mysteriously sacked assistant manager Ray Wilkins on Nov. 11.

Since then, Chelsea have stumbled badly, losing three and drawing three in a poor run that has seen them slide from first to fifth in the table, putting Roman Abramovich under increasing pressure for his poor man-management and backroom team selections.

“It’s all about results,” said manager Carlo Ancelotti with the air of an experienced man in a hard business. “Mr. Abramovich pays us to win, and results just haven’t gone Roman’s way. He made a big call in sacking Ray Wilkins, thinking such a capricious act would terrify us all into doing better. As it turns out, it terrified us into playing badly.”

He gestured helplessly and heaved a heavy sigh. “C’est la vie,” he said. “Mr. Abramovich is a hard taskmaster.”

This isn’t the first time Roman Abramovich has made curious strategic decisions that cost Chelsea FC. In September 2007, he sacked Jose Mourinho, the successful Portuguese manager who had just led Chelsea to two Premiership titles. Mourinho then went on to achieve the treble at Inter Milan last season, knocking Chelsea out en route to the Champions League final, and currently manages Real Madrid, the world’s richest club.

“Yeah, sacking Jose Mourinho was another big mistake,” said John Terry, captain of Chelsea FC. “He is clearly the world’s best manager, and he showed that when he was here. I can’t understand why Roman sacked him, and it certainly had a big impact on our lack of success here afterwards.”

"Roman just shouted, 'Wilkins, you're sacked!' while we were 3-0 up," recalled an upset Ray Wilkins.

"Roman just shouted, 'Wilkins, you're sacked!' while we were 3-0 up," recalled an upset Ray Wilkins.

“To be honest, I thought Mr. Abramovich should have sacked Roman for that one,” confessed Terry.

Fellow billionaire club owners, however, were quick to criticise the decision. “There’s a culture of just getting rid of people after a few bad results,” said Tom Hicks, formerly of Liverpool.

“I mean, all I had was a few bad years back-to-back, but it takes time and borrowed money to build a winning club. What’s a chairman supposed to do if he can’t get free money from financial institutions? How can he possibly pretend to live up to the false promises he made when he bought the club?”

“But for the fans, a chairman is only as good as the results the manager he can’t support can get from the cheap players left after we’ve sold everything to pay off our colossal debts.”

Concluded Hicks, “Roman’s just a victim of the short-term culture of English football.”

Long time foe Jose Mourinho responds to the news that Abramovich has sacked himself from Chelsea.

Long time foe Jose Mourinho responds to the news that Abramovich has sacked himself from Chelsea.

Fans said that while they appreciated all Roman had done for the club, it was probably a good time for him to move on.

“He did wonders for us when he first came here,” said Roger Houghton (36), a merchant banker and long-time Chelsea supporter. “I mean, the money he spent bringing in quality players turned us from also-rans into champions. Those were great days, when we could win the Premiership the London way – we bought it.”

“Roman’s just not bringing that kind of spirit to Chelsea any more. We were very worried when he started talking about ‘cost-cutting’ and refused to splurge on new players. In the City, we know that you have to borrow huge sums of money and spend it in order to be successful. Once you start worrying about paying it back, you’re no longer cut out for London.”

“I think Abramovich made the right decision in letting Roman go.”

One Response to Roman Abramovich Shocks Chelsea with New Sacking of Himself

  1. Nick Schofield says:

    ‘In September 2007, he sacked Jose Mourinho’
    No he wasn’t sacked, he left by mutual consent. There is a difference.
    http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/teams/c/chelsea/7003912.stm

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