Tarantino Oscar Speech to Use ‘Nigger’ 108 Times

LA, California – Maverick filmmaker Quentin Tarantino, whose most recent movie Django Unchained has been nominated for five Academy Awards, said today that he was writing the greatest Oscar acceptance speech in history, one that will movingly honour the victims of slavery and calls for reconciliation and the final rehabilitation of the word ‘nigger’.

Tarantino is a passionate advocate of niggers, right to say 'nigger'.

Tarantino is a passionate advocate of niggers, right to say ‘nigger’.

“Niggers be hurtin’, man,” jabbered Tarantino in his characteristic ranting fashion. “My movie shows the nigger truth – people hurting niggers, niggers hurting niggers, niggers shooting back at nigger-haters. That’s all American history right there.”

“Niggers,” he added after realising that his last sentence might not have shocked anyone.

Django Unchained has been nominated for Best Picture and Best Original Screenplay, but many have criticised it for its frequent use of the ‘N_____’ word.

“I respect Quentin Tarantino as a vibrant and dynamic filmmaker,” said respected philosopher and critic Kwame Anthony Appiah. “And I understand the need for art to challenge conventions and expose society’s members to harsh truths. But I wonder if it was really necessary to use a word so charged with negative connotations of violence and oppression 108 times over the course of a three-hour movie.”

"I'm talking about ending racial hatred in this country, so you niggers better listen up."

“I’m talking about ending racial hatred in this country, so you niggers better listen up.”

Tarantino scoffed at Appiah’s concerns, however. “Three hours?! I’m planning to use the word ‘nigger’ 108 times in five minutes during my Best Picture acceptance speech, nigger! Compared to that, Django Unchained is a fucking political correctness conference run by lesbians and shit. Some nigger thinks I shouldn’t do it, well, he needs to face up to the reality of his niggerhood. People in America, they be using the word nigger. I’m an American and I say nigger. As an artist, I’ve got to be true to myself and my cultural heritage.”

“Niggers,” he added, again realising that his last sentence could be quoted out of context to make him seem considered and thoughtful.

Tarantino said his greatest challenge would be to trying to say everything he wanted to say within the strict time limits for acceptance speeches.

“Man, I am going to be talking fast up there, real fast, you know, just like ‘niggerniggerniggerniggerniggerniggerniggerniggerniggernigger’. I’m going to be like a fucking racist fire engine, man, I shit you not, if I’m going to make it to 108 before the music pisses all over my speech.”

“I hope Halle Berry gets to present the award, too, because then I can show everyone how much I love niggers at the same time,” hooted Tarantino, air-squeezing an imaginary set of breasts.

"That's right, present it to me just like that, you nigger bitch!" yelled Tarantino.

“That’s right, present it to me just like that, you nigger bitch!” yelled Tarantino.

As controversy raged, President Obama tried to calm the dispute by offering his characteristic absence of leadership. “Our great nation’s past was stained by the original sin of slavery. Quentin Tarantino is a great American artist dealing with that past, although I’m not sure he needs to use such inflammatory language. I guess it’s kind of a tough one.”

“Yup,” concluded the President thoughtfully.

Republicans were quick to fill the void left by the president. “I support freedom of speech,” declared House Leader John Boner. “No government regulation! Let the free market decide. Using nigger helped sell the movie and that’s all the validation it needs.

“Now that we know there’s a big market for it, I’m going to start using it myself,” continued Boner. “You know what’s wrong with America? Niggers! Particularly that nigger in the White House. We need to get all the niggers out, starting with him.”

Some filmgoers couldn’t see what all the controversy was about. When asked if he thought it offensive to label black people ‘niggers’, Scarlett O’Neck (43)of Alabama scratched her head in confusion and replied: “Well, what the heck would you call ‘em?”

The man at the centre of this controversy remains unrepentant, however. “Man, all this publicity, and I ain’t even made the speech yet! Ain’t no nigger got their finger on the pulse of America like old Quentin, baby.

“Maybe I should try and say nigger 109 times instead,” Tarantino mused.

PETA Accuses Hobbit Producers of Mistreating Wargs

California – As The Hobbit prepares to open in theatres across the world, Hollywood was rocked today by accusations from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) that Oscar-winning director Peter Jackson allowed neglect and abuse of animals used in filming, including wargs.

Some poor wargs lament their mistreatment at the hands of Peter Jackson, forces of good.

PETA spokesperson Bunny Huggington said that unnamed sources who probably worked on the set for a while had hinted that conditions may have been less than ideal for some of the animals involved in shooting.

“Naturally, we at PETA were absolutely shocked when we heard this,” said Ms. Huggington. “Especially when we heard about the wargs. Do you know how many wargs exist in the wild today? They’re an endangered species! God certainly didn’t put them on Middle Earth so goblins could ride them into battle.”

Placing her adorable pet chihuahua in a designer handbag, Ms. Huggington then read out an online petition PETA hoped would initiate a global day of action against Peter Jackson’s tyrannical reign over the animal kingdom.

When The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey hits theatres this December, audiences will be presented with an adventure story set in a fantasy world. For the animals involved in the filming, however, the abuse and neglect they experienced were far too real. In all, 5 horses, 12 chickens, 1 pony, and several goats and sheep were allegedly maimed or killed.

Ms. Huggington admitted that even though some of her cosmetics were tested on animals she just couldn’t live without nail polish.

“Oh, my God!” sobbed Ms. Huggington, suddenly overcome with emotion. “Who would want to harm a poor defenceless chicken? I’m sure no one in the world would like to see anything bad happen to a chicken. That’s why we have to stand up to these evil movie producers.”

Asked to define the use of the word allegedly in the petition Ms. Huggington explained that she thought it meant the same as definitely and it couldn’t be that important anyway as the words immediately after it were in bold.

She then read out the rest of the petition:

What’s worse, this is a Peter Jackson – yes, the master of computer-generated imagery (CGI) – production. In a movie featuring CGI dragons, ogres, and hobbits, CGI animals would have fit in perfectly. He could have madeThe Hobbit without using a single animal – and he should have.

When it was pointed out to Ms. Huggington that hobbits weren’t CGI animals but real actors shot in ways that made them look small, she looked confused. “No, that can’t be right,” she said, scratching her head. “I mean, you can tell the real animals, like wargs, from the fake ones like Martin Freeman. They just look realer, you know?”

PETA wants CGI animals like Martin Freeman used in future productions.

“Anyway, the point is, what sense does it make to go to all the effort of buying a chicken and putting it in the background when you could simply pay a crack team of computer programmers to create CGI chickens at about a million dollars each?”

“I just can’t understand how these monsters think!” she cried, clutching her chihuahua in anguish.

Peter Jackson, upon being told of the petition, snarled into the camera and said: “I eat wargs for breakfast! Ahahahaha!” and then set his pet Rottweilers on some PETA protesters, which placed them in a rather tricky moral dilemma.

Animal lover Jamie Kingston (24) said that while she sympathised with PETA’s aims, she found the protest against The Hobbit rather confusing. “Yeah, like, it’s bad and all but if the number of animals abused is what counts, wouldn’t we be better off protesting outside a supermarket? You can find at least a dozen chickens being abused just on the rotisserie.”

A spokesperson for the film said Peter Jackson had enough trouble looking after himself, let alone the animals on set.

Hobbit fan Ritchie Frinkle (33), who has already started queuing for the premiere, looked aghast when handed the petition. “You want me to miss The Hobbit because there’s a rumour a warg died during production? Do I look like I give even an imaginary shit?”

The majority of filmgoers’ attitudes were summed up by Anne Naughton (35), a mother-of-two who intends to take her children to The Hobbit this Xmas despite the protests. “I kind of care,” she said, when asked on the street. “But I really don’t want to be associated with that Huggington douchebag.”

“And I’d gladly wring a dozen chickens’ necks myself if I thought it would get my kids to shut up and give me some peace for two hours.”

JK Rowling to Write Fifty Shades of Hogwarts

London – Upset by the news that EL James’ Fifty Shades of Grey has surpassed Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows as the best-selling novel in British history, JK Rowling today said she was determined to regain her crown by targeting both the young adult and porn-addicted housewife markets.

JK Rowling laments not putting some steamy bedroom action into Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Said Rowling: “I am always conscious of the changing needs of book lovers, and the new desire for books that can be held one handed. My unique brand of whimsical fantasy is no longer in vogue.”

“Instead, this is,” she added, holding a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey at arm’s length with her fingertips, as if it were the oft-used ass-clamp of Christian Grey.

Traditionally, British readers have been too repressed to buy porn that wasn’t written by DH Lawrence. However, Fifty Shades of Grey somehow reached an elusive tipping point and became that rarest of things – socially acceptable middle-class porn. Now it is being sold out of large bins at supermarket checkouts, while the red-faced British public pretends to discuss its literary merits and social significance.

“I’ve studied it very closely,” said Rowling with grudging respect. “It seems sexually frustrated middle-aged women like reading the same descriptions over and over again. Christian Grey is either an ‘Adonis’, ‘flashing his grey eyes’, or ‘throbbing’. And whenever he hogties a woman and straps her to his punishment bench for a spanking, it’s important she participates out of feminist principles.”

“When his gloved hand smacks her buttocks so hard it looks like she has a baboon’s ass, it has to be a spiritual awakening for her inner goddess,” added Rowling.

“Sorry, but gingers just aren’t sexy,” said Rowling dismissively.

Rowling said that Hermione’s first sexual experience would not be with long-term boyfriend Ron Weasley but an older member of the Hogwarts community

“Obviously, some adolescent fumblings between Hermione and Ron aren’t going to excite anyone,” remarked Rowling. “He is a ginger after all. No, Hermione needs someone older, more experienced, more mature, preferably with a huge rock-hard cock. I think you all know who I’m talking about.”

She then read aloud from Chapter 4 of Fifty Shades of Hogwarts.

Hermione gasped as he ripped off his well-tailored trousers, revealing a throbbing member so huge it blocked her view of the towers of Hogwarts. ‘O! It’s magnificent!’ she gasped. ‘I never imagined it could be so big!’ Suddenly the fragile chrysalis of her girlhood fell away and she felt her inner goddess blossom inside her like a rapidly enlarging phallus.

From down on her knees, she looked up at the man who had so long been her friend but could see little around the thick shaft of his throbbing manhood. From this perspective she had difficulty telling the difference between his bushy beard and his Adonis-like pubic hair.

Hagrid’s grey eyes flashed. “Och aye, there’s something ye should ken before I let ye touch it,” he growled in a manly Scottish accent. “I donnae make love or any o’ tha’ shite. I like ta fuck – hard.”

As the novel progresses, Hermione discovers her inner goddess really loves being a dominatrix and proceeds to dominate Hagrid using her superior magic.

“I don’t make love. I like to fuck – hard.”

“No, nooooo, I cannae do it now, I’m busy!” protested Hagrid. But Hermione’s inner goddess demanded only submission to her fulminating female desires. No more would a man make excuses to her, such as ‘It’s been a long day,’ or ‘I have to walk the giant spiders.’ As a woman, she was entitled to everything she wanted, whenever she wanted it, with whomever she wanted it with.

Engorgio!” she commanded, pointing her wand at his flaccid penis. Hagrid’s grey eyes flashed helplessly as his erection throbbed before her divine feminine power and beauty. “Spankiarmus!” Her broom gave his meaty behind a firm paddling as she watched like the queen she and every woman was born to be. “Cunnilingustus!” As his wet tongue worshipped her womanhood, her inner goddess swelled with a greater love for herself and her glorious female body than she had ever known…

The novel ends with Hermione realising that the male Muggle world is hers for the taking and she proceeds to sexually overpower leading Muggle heartthrobs such as George Clooney, Johnny Depp, Robert Pattinson, Jude Law, and all of One Direction simultaneously.

Emma Watson said she was excited to reprise her role as Hermione, spank Robert Pattinson.

Advance sales of the book have already reached the fifty million mark and women are already queuing by the ‘mommy porn’ bins at Sainsbury’s with large buckets of chocolate ice cream and Australian Shiraz. A statement by EL James said the author was rushing to meet demand with her own young adult porn fantasy, Christian Grey and the Trouser-Snake of Slitherin.

For fans of young adult fantasy and bored housewife porn, the future looks as rosy as Hermione’s delicately teased nipples. “I think the strong competition makes this a great era for British literature,” said Rowling. “Just imagine what Shakespeare and Dickens could achieve if they were alive today.”

Hardcore Eurovision Fans Lament Moldova’s Poor Placing

Düsseldorf, Germany – As Azerbaijan celebrates being the first Central Asian country to win the Eurovision Song Contest, die-hard fans of the competition’s trite pop, malfitting costumes, and antic stage routines lamented the poor showing of Moldova.

The small Eastern European country lived down to the finest traditions of the Eurovision with a cheesy combo of rockin’ rappers singing in pidgin English while wearing giant dunce’s hats, before wowing Eurovision fans with a trumpet solo by a girl dressed as a fairy princess on a unicycle.

“Moldova just ticked all of our boxes,” said Michael Jaeger (47), head of Fans for the Real Eurovision, a continent-wide grouping of people dedicated to fighting the growing trend towards emphasising music and performance ability in the assessment of European music.

“From the medallions dangling pendulously between their knees like glittering scrotums to not being able to afford a stool for the drummer, Moldova really excelled itself this year and deserved at least a top three placing.”

“And, of course, the trumpeting unicycling fairy princess should have put it over the top and given it victory,” he added, to emphatic nods of agreement from Fans for the Real Eurovison, who looked depressed and angry at how the voting had gone.

"Is that the Israeli transsexual or the Irish guy?" asked Jaeger, scratching his head.

"Is that the Israeli transsexual or the Irish guy?" asked Jaeger, scratching his head.

Previous winners of the Eurovision have included an Israeli transsexual, a Russian ice-skating on a small puddle, and Ireland. However, fans are worried that a growing number of Eastern European countries are taking the competition seriously, thereby raising performances to an unacceptable standard.

“They’re just not getting into the spirit of the Eurovision,” complained Jaeger. “I mean, at first I thought Azerbaijan was going down the traditional sexy girl route to Eurovision glory – short low-cut flouncy billowing dresses, and plenty of ‘em – but then some fag in a white suit showed up in the middle of them.”

“You can’t mix the ‘sexy girl’ with the ‘flaming queer guy’ approach, unless you do what Israel did and make them one person – Dana International.”

Jaeger also expressed disappointment at those traditional enemies of Europe, France, for sending someone who could actually sing. “The moment he hit that first note with a clear, ringing, operatic tenor voice I nearly vomited,” said Jaeger, looking visibly nauseous. “I mean, who do the French think they are?”

"What is that fag doing mixed in with the sexy girls?!" yelled an enraged Jaeger.

"What is that fag doing mixed in with the sexy girls?!" yelled an enraged Jaeger.

“They’ve just been pissed off ever since Abba won it with Waterloo back in ’74, but that was no reason to send a singer to the European Song Contest.”

“They’re just trying to ruin it for everybody else,” he added bitterly.

Many expressed dismay that traditional favourites had failed to make much of an impact. Former man and winner, Dana International of Israel, failed to make it past the semi-final stage. Ireland’s all-non-singing, all-non-dancing duo Jedward failed to live up to the hype, despite obviously forgetting their dance routines at one point.

“Well, the transsexual thing had been done, so Israel needs to up its game,” said Jaeger with a shrug. “And Ireland, while sending an entry to compete with the worst, still had an air of neediness about it this year, like they were trying too hard.”

“I mean, no one can be that shit by accident,” he added sceptically.

"Sorry, Ireland were just trying too hard to be shit this year," said Jaeger dismissively.

"Sorry, Ireland were just trying too hard to be shit this year," said Jaeger dismissively.

Fans for the Real Eurovision are mounting a campaign to recognise Moldova’s efforts this year and restore Eurovision to its former troughs of greatness.

“Look, some of those performances on Saturday weren’t that bad!” said Jaeger in disgust. “If they get any better, some of these acts might be just plain lousy. Then we might have an evening of lousy bands playing imitations of music, and we can get that an open-mic night in our local pubs.”

“Do you want to spend a Saturday evening in May listening to Europe’s best open-mic performers?” he shouted, to cries of “Never!” from increasingly frustrated fans who were riding around him on unicycles, blowing trumpets and waving their dunce’s hats in support of Moldova.

Christian Bale Seriously Fucking Pissed Off That Melissa Leo Used ‘F-Word’ in Oscar Speech

Los Angeles – Hollywood was shocked today as new footage emerged from the Oscars that shows Christian Bale angrily reacting on stage to Melissa Leo, winner of the Best Supporting Actress Oscar, for her seriously fucking unprofessional use of the ‘F-word’ in her acceptance speech.

Leo (50) shocked the tender ears of American audiences by saying, “When I watched Kate Winslet two years ago, it looked so fucking easy!” thereby dropping what reporters later called ‘the F-bomb.’

However, new footage that was prevented from being broadcast live by an extensive commercial break has revealed how deeply upset Christian Bale, her co-star in The Fighter, was with the ignorant bitch’s rudeness to her fucking colleagues.

“I want you off the fucking stage, you prick!” interrupted a shocked Bale with a scream at the petrified actress. “No, don’t just be sorry, think for just one fucking second. What the fuck are you doing? Do you think it’s acceptable to just stand up here and swear at these people?”

The furious Bale then punched a couple of dickheaded security men so he could continue remonstrating with Ms. Leo.

“I really don’t mean to offend, and [it was] probably a very inappropriate place to use that particular word,” stammered Leo, shaking. “There’s a great deal of the English language that is in my vernacular.”

"Do you really want me to rip it off?" shrieked Bale, causing many women to faint.

"Do you really want me to rip it off?" shrieked Bale, causing many women to faint.

Bale was in no mood for such feeble excuses, however. “Am I going to walk around and rip down your fucking dress on stage so America can see the sagging tits in your vernacular?” he snarled sarcastically.

“If you don’t want to offend anyone with those inappropriate things, then just keep your fucking dress up. Don’t make me fucking rip it off! Watch your fucking mouth. Don’t just go waltzing around the stage going oh-dee-do-dee-fucking-da while we’re trying to be professional.”

“Fuck,” said Bale, trying to calm himself down in order to go on with the show. “You are so fucking amateur.”

Bale has long been a noted champion of polite manners and courtesy to others. In July 2008, he famously took issue with a fuckwit who disturbed a film set by walking behind the camera while a scene was being filmed. That same month, a discussion over appropriate behaviour led to Bale being arrested for assaulting those well-known bitches – his mother and sister – at Dorchester Hotel.

At the Oscars, the Dark Knight of etiquette continued his crusade against social impropriety.

“Can somebody do something about this bitch?” said Bale, jerking a thumb at the tearful Leo. “She just doesn’t give a FUCK about what’s going on in front of the camera. We’re trying to present a fucking show, live to a fucking global audience, and I can’t concentrate on what I’ve got to do if you keep saying ‘fuck’ to that audience.”

Bale's dismissive thumb gesture is rightly feared in Hollywood.

Bale's dismissive thumb gesture is rightly feared in Hollywood.

“Just stay off the fucking stage,” he said in disgust. “For fuck’s sake. Right, let’s keep going.”

“No, let’s not take a fucking minute, let’s go again!” yelled Bale at the stage manager, who was trying to bring some semblance of calm to proceedings. “You just don’t understand what it’s like fucking working with actors. I’m going to fucking kick your ass if you don’t shut up!”

The live feed then returned, and Bale turned urbanely to the camera to give his acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actor.

While many were shocked by the evening’s events, legendary star Jack Nicholson said it was about fucking time Hollywood stopped presenting sanitised versions of the world and showed it how it is.

“This is as bullshit as the Janet Jackson Superbowl incident,” drawled Nicholson in disgust. “People use the word ‘fuck’; Janet Jackson has tits. I mean, is this information you didn’t already fucking know?”

“Next thing you’ll be taking pictures of the huge dump I just left in the john,” he added, before groaning as the papparazzi made a rush for the toilet.

John Banville’s Next Novel to be “Sexy Vampire Action Romance”

Dublin –If there is one thing I would not have expected Booker-prize winning Irish novelist John Banville to say during our interview, it’s that he intend to stop writing his uniquely lyrical and yet deeply cynical novels investigating the futility of human endeavours in favour of writing riotously sexy action vampire romances.

Banville said his public image as an intellectual distressed him greatly and was none of his doing.

Banville said his public image as an intellectual distressed him greatly and was none of his doing.

And yet Banville (65), one of Ireland’s greatest living writers, declared his intention to radically change his aesthetic in response to changes in the national psyche.

“One morning, as the sun’s glair in the matudinal sky flared cruelly like the bonfire of all human vanities, a thought trembled fragilely among my stringy and vibrating synapses,” mused Banville as he leafed idly through the pages of Diderot’s 18th century encyclopaedia.

“For decades now, the sight of pale melanochroids gliding imprintless over the concrete grass of Dublin’s cancerous streets has filled me with quiet despair. I have not been fooled by lustrous sheen of the Celtic Tiger’s fur – I have seen its bicuspids glittering in the dark and known that all was folly, that not just our dreams but our very selves were artifices designed to hide from us the knowledge of our inevitable and welcome failure.”

“But now the twilight world has swiftly followed noon’s brief zenith, I thought: ‘Fuck it, John, no one wants to hear about that shit. Write about something with gunfights and tits and teenage vampires and fart jokes. God knows, people could do with some light entertainment.’”

Following his Muse’s clear and strikingly crass voice, Banville has decided to stop writing artworks loved by the few and start writing pulp fiction for the many, who are so desperately in need of cheap escapism right now.

“My initial drafts looked something like this,” said Banville, allowing us the rare privilege of viewing the literary mind at work.

"The last thing Irish people need now is more elegiac and poignant stories of loss," said Banville.

A paragraph read: “Bella was so frightened she could barely see over her gigantically heaving bosom. ‘O Jedward,’ she gasped, turning to her cool, gentlemanly lovers, the vampire twin singing sensations. ‘How can you remain so calm, so manly, so rock hard in the face of these desperadoes with their guns?’ Jedward, their PVC outfits glittering in the sunlight, replied huskily, ‘Stay calm, sugartits. We’re gonna blow them away,’ before turning and farting insolently at their attackers.

Fantastic, I assured Banville, a guaranteed populist triumph.

“I thought so, too,” said Banville, snatching the pages away. “But then I pondered if perhaps my own voice might not be the perfect river for such narrative craft? Plot is mostly inconsequential to me; none of my best books had one. But perhaps this plebeian tale infused with my elegiac musings might bridge the Plutonian chasm between art and the public?”

Banville then showed me the latest drafts of his impending work, The Twilight Sea of the Jedward with the Dragon Tattoos. The earlier paragraph had now been transformed by the master’s idiosyncratic diction and poetic rhythms:

“The raven Bella, only dimly aware of the futility of hot-blooded animal desires in a coldly indifferent universe, was half-blinded by her own tumultuous mammaries. ‘O Jedward,’ she breathed with an air of faintly ludicrous mourning, half-conscious of the Socratic irony of speaking of deep matters of love while Death’s superficial grin drew near. ‘How can you remain so calm, so manly, so rock hard in the face of these desperadoes with their guns?’

"My new book will be much more accessible to air-headed teenage girl dimwits," said Banville.

The melanochroidal twins watched one of the desperadoes trip over a fallen branch and laughed in amazement at the richness of the world, which always has some comfort to offer. ‘Stay calm, sugartits. We’re gonna blow them away,’ they said, curiously feeling their own indifference to the raging gale of flatulence thundering vengefully through their tortuous bowels. As the storm erupted from the contracted sphincters, Jedward felt the faint touch of ridiculousness that always comes with having a body made of liquids and gases, even as the noxious fumes cleared a path to safety.’”

Incomparable, I gushed, a masterpiece to rival Kepler or The Book of Evidence. “This could mean your Nobel,” I said in awe.

“Perhaps,” nodded Banville gravely. “It’s certainly bad enough. But really, I just hope it’s truly awful enough for the public to love it and take their minds off the recession for a while.”

New Irish Monopoly Board Includes Square for Government

Dublin – With great fanfare yesterday a new Irish version of the popular board game Monopoly was revealed, with an extra square added for the Irish government.

Said John Heasley (41), a spokesperson for Waddingtons: “We’re absolutely delighted to introduce this new element into our popular board game. We feel it will add greater excitement and also reflect more accurately the contemporary state of Irish society.”

The new Irish version of Monopoly will include a square for 'Buy Government' in the top left.

The new Irish version of Monopoly will include a square for 'Buy Government' in the top left.

“Let’s face it – you can’t make half the money out of “Waterworks Utilities” as you can out of buying the government,” he added.

The new square sits at the corner previously occupied by “No Parking,” which players usually circled around for ages without being able to land on.

Those landing on “Buy Government” can now purchase government influence and see the value of their houses and rents increase.

“Yes, it’s a tremendous advantage to land on ‘Buy Government,’” agreed Heasley enthusiastically as he explained how this new square would change the dynamics of Irish monopoly.

“But what’s really innovative is that, unlike other squares that can only be owned by one player at a time, all of the players can buy the government and thus raise the rents on all of their houses.”

“It’s a win-win situation, except for the poor sap who has to pay the rent!” chortled Mr. Heasley.

Mr. Heasley explained that the ability of all players with sufficient cash to own a piece of the government was one of the new square’s ‘special properties’ that altered the natural workings of the Monopoly market.

Waddingtons said it planned to use this image for its new 'Buy Government' square.

Waddingtons said it planned to use this image for its new 'Buy Government' square.

“Traditionally, Monopoly was played on a level playing field and it was down to the individual player’s skill and luck,” said Mr. Heasley. “But ‘Buy Government’ adds a whole new element. Every time you land on the square, after the initial purchase of the government through campaign funds, you get to take a card from the ‘Government Chance’ deck.”

The ‘Government Chance’ deck includes such wildcards as: “A fortunate meeting at the Galway Races has seen your property rezoned and double its value,” or “A friend in high places has just gotten you planning permission. Add five houses and a hotel to all your properties.”

The new rules have also added a doomsday scenario into the game’s design.

“At some point, every player will own a piece of the government and get their share of government favours,” said Mr. Heasley. “If, or more likely when that happens, the number of houses and the size of rents on the board will explode to astronomical levels. Players will barely be able to move at all without paying a fortune.”

“At this point, all the players will try to sell their houses to the bank to raise money, but the bank won’t have sufficient cash for such outrageously overpriced properties.”

“This raises the possibility of everyone losing by all going bankrupt simultaneously.”

Some of Ireland's many homeless people enjoy a game of Irish monopoly.

Some of Ireland's many homeless people enjoy a game of Irish monopoly.

In such a doomsday scenario, players can take a wildcard from the ‘Government Community Chest’ deck, which controls funds taken from the national community and can be distributed to the players.

The deck consists of cards like: “NAMA has bought out your properties at their full prices. You may buy them back in ten turns for one-fifth of the price,” or “A friendly golf game has led to a blanket guarantee of your debts. You can travel for free for ten turns.”

The winner is then the one who has landed on ‘Buy Government’ the most times and gotten the most ‘Government Chance’ and ‘Government Community Chest’ cards.

Parents were enthusiastic about the new rules. “I always felt that Monopoly was a great way for children – and even a few adults – to learn about the workings of the market,” said Gerard Hegarty (48) after buying the new game.

“But this new version will really teach our children what it’s like to do business in the Irish market.”

“The only thing I think they should add is an “Escape to Australia” square for those who are tired of the madness and want to go do something else.”

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