Merkel Rejects Cyprus President’s Request for Cuddle

Nicosia, Cyprus – As Cyprus enters increasingly desperate straits under the quadruple pressure of bust banks, excessive government expenditure, an inability to borrow on international markets, and a housing crash, German Chancellor Angela Merkel repeated today that though she sympathised with the people of Cyprus, she would continue to refuse Cypriot President Nicos Anastasiades’ increasingly urgent requests for a cuddle.

Anastasiades is desperate for a hug, but Merkel continues to refuse.

Anastasiades is desperate for a hug, but Merkel continues to refuse.

Said Chancellor Merkel: “We are currently engaged in constructive dialogue with the Cypriot government and our EU partners to find a resolution to this situation that will restore a sense of common purpose to the European project and remind us once again that we are all in this together.

“However, that does not include giving Mr. Anastasiades’ a cuddle to reassure him that Mutti Merkel still loves him,” added die Kanzlerin sternly. “He made this mess, so he has to clean it up first.”

Mr. Anastasiades has been increasingly vocal in recent weeks that, given the dire state of Cyprus’ economy, he really, really, needs a hug. “Jesus, I said I was sorry already,” mumbled Mr. Anastasiades, dragging deeply on a cigarette. He paused to take a quick swig from a hip flask. “I won’t do it again! But she says I’m a grown-up now so I have to pay my own debts.”

“She can be such a bitch sometimes,” he added gloomily.

Mr. Anastasiades said he wasn't sure how much longer he or Cyprus could go on unless Merkel gave him a cuddle soon.

Mr. Anastasiades said he wasn’t sure how much longer he or Cyprus could go on unless Merkel gave him a cuddle soon.

The strident debate goes to the heart of the crisis afflicting the Eurozone. Germany, as the largest economy in Europe, is effectively responsible for supporting other nations in times of economic downturn in order for the Eurozone to recover and prosper. Knowing this, certain nations threw a huge party and trashed the house in a coke-fuelled bender of epic proportions. A furious Merkel is refusing to pay for the damage unless the guilty parties forfeit their pocket money for the next five years.

“This irresponsible behaviour cannot be tolerated,” declared Merkel. “If I just hug the president of Cyprus now and tell him everything is OK, next week I’ll come home to find him in crotchless spandex pants getting a lap dance from sixteen hairy Greek prostitutes, all paid for with my credit card. A line must be drawn.”

Cyprus, however, came out fighting. “If she hadn’t left the keys to the drinks cabinet, none of this would have happened!” insisted Mr. Anastasiades indignantly. “So, really, it’s her fault! She knows what I’m like and she can’t just make it that easy for me to access the vault.

“Also, I could totally go for sixteen hairy Greek lap dancers right now,” he added wistfully.

"Yeah, that's what I'm talking about," growled Mr. Anastasiades breathily.

“Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about,” growled Mr. Anastasiades breathily.

Opinion on the “Hug for Cyprus” has sharply divided Europe into those who favour an austere parental approach and those who believe in forgiveness, love, and free money.

“Nein!” said Augustus von Scheisskopf (35) when asked for his opinion on the streets of Frankfurt. “She’s our Mutti! It’s her job to look after us, not you.” He chomped stoutly on a chocolate bar, his jowls wobbling. “Mutti doesn’t love you,” he sneered before waddling away to beat some Turkish immigrants with his riding crop.

Cypriots, however, had radically different views. “Germans are hug Nazis,” said Kostas Fecklessaris (21) fervently. “You ask a German for a hug, and a billion euro, and all you get is a no. Tightwad cold fish Nazis.”

Leaders of fellow troubled nations like Spain and Portugal agreed with Mr. Anastasiades that Merkel needed to be more Latin and less Teutonic with her hugging. Greek PM Antonis Samaras said he agreed in spirit, but wasn’t talking to Mr. Anastasiades after his slanderous assertion that Greek women were hairy.

Perhaps the most sobering comments came from Irish Taoiseach Enda Kenny, however. “Oh, we’ve been nothing but good boys since the whole house party,” said Mr. Kenny. “We give her all our pocket money and she hugs us all the time. All the time…” he repeated with a thousand-yard stare. “It’s been years now since we’ve had our heads out of that ample German bosom. She’s got our Irish heads squashed between her giant Teutonic tits and now we can’t breathe!” Mr. Kenny gasped for air and dashed out of the room.

NRA Announces “Guns for Kids” Scheme to Prevent School Shootings

Connecticut – In the wake of the tragic mass killing of twenty children and six women at an elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut, the National Rifle Association (NRA) has announced a new plan to prevent any more shootings at American schools by ensuring every American schoolchild exercises its right under the Second Amendment to bear arms.

Mars Krieglieber taking a stand against crazy lone gunmen.

Mars Krieglieber taking a stand against crazy lone gunmen.

A sorrowful Mars Krieglieber (42), the vice-president of the NRA, announced the new scheme at a ceremony to commemorate the victims. “The threats to our children from gun violence are increasing year on year,” warned Mr. Krieglieber. “Think of Columbine, Virginia Tech, and now Sandy Hook Elementary School. It is time we took bold and decisive action to make sure no more of our children are shot dead in our schools.”

“I call on Congress to make funds available to ensure every schoolchild in America has a gun and isn’t afraid to use it.”

The ‘Guns for Kids’ scheme will ensure that every child on its first day of school is given a pistol with a particularly sensitive trigger so they will have no difficulty squeezing it in the event of being attacked by a homicidal maniac.

The NRA says it has commissioned a study whose statistics prove this is the only sensible course of action. According to the report, a shocking 100% of child victims in school shootings are unarmed.

“See, that’s the only statistic that matters right there!” said Krieglieber passionately. “The problem isn’t that crazy people can buy guns. The problem is that our kids can’t shoot back.”

Noted Republican Jesus H. Christ supports 'Guns for Kids.'

Noted Republican Jesus H. Christ supports ‘Guns for Kids.’

“We need serious reform of America’s gun laws to remove destructive limitations on gun ownership. This tragedy has shown us that archaic laws and traditions from the 18th century saying five year-olds shouldn’t have firearms have no place in modern America.”

Reform of gun laws is a hot topic in the USA, which has a massively higher rate of violent homicide than any other advanced nation. Krieglieber, however, believes the problem lies not simply with gun laws but within the American education system.

“All these people who say that countries with stricter gun laws have fewer violent deaths just show what’s wrong with the education system in this country,” said Krieglieber impatiently. “If our kids could open fire at will then there wouldn’t be any violent deaths from school shootings so those numbers are all skewed to begin with.”

“This kind of faulty reasoning is what happens when you spend all your time teaching math instead of basic marksmanship.”

The executive director of Gun Owners of America, Larry Pratt, was quick to endorse the new scheme. Said Pratt:

Gun control supporters have the blood of little children on their hands… This tragedy underscores the urgency of getting rid of gun bans on school zones. The only thing accomplished by gun free zones is to ensure that mass murderers can slay more before they are finally confronted by someone with a gun.

Even moderate commentators suggested that the NRA’s plan was certainly worth thinking about. Jeffrey Goldberg of The Atlantic wrote:

People should have the ability to defend themselves. Mass shootings take many lives in part because no one is firing back at the shooters. The shooters in recent massacres have had many minutes to complete their evil work, while their victims cower under desks or in closets… law-abiding, well-trained, non-criminal, wholly sane citizens have a role to play in their own self-defence.

Goldberg said Israel was a role model for dealing with violence in a humane manner.

Goldberg said Israel was a role model for dealing with violence in a humane manner.

Goldberg admitted there were some flaws in his scheme. “Well, as shooters can buy fully automatic machine guns over the Internet using a credit card, our schoolchildren will need superior firepower. Ultimately the government will have to give them access to military grade weaponry to make sure they’re safe. I would recommend training children in the use of grenades and even flamethrowers to flush out shooters hiding in supply closets.”

House Republicans were quick to hail the new initiative, saying it could solve many of the country’s problems at one stroke.

“The ‘Guns for Kids’ scheme is exactly what this country needs,” declared Rep. Magnum Winchester (Texas). “Not only will it keep our kids safe, it will help reduce the federal deficit. We can pay for it simply by transferring all healthcare funding to the arms industry. This will create strong American jobs making guns for our kids while the resulting drop in violent shootings will mean we won’t need so many hospitals anyway.”

“On top of that, by incorporating arms industry spending into education, we can massively increase our education budget. It’s the right thing to do for our children’s future.”

Some Tea Party activists said the solution lay in going back to the original meaning of the Second Amendment. “The Constitution of the United States,” said Mary-Lou Wesson (41) proudly, “gives every American the right to bear arms or arm bears. I think it’s time for Option 2.”

“Ain’t no crazy person going to attack no kids when they is protected by a grizzly bear packing an Uzi,” she added. “Yeah.”

A poster from the Tea Party's 'arm bears' campaign.

A poster from the Tea Party’s ‘arm bears’ campaign.

A nation divided other whether or not to provide schools with military grade weaponry or armed grizzly security bears or perhaps some as yet unknown other solution looked with diminishing hope to President Obama for leadership.

Faced with demands for tough new legislation, Obama showed characteristic boldness in ignoring those demands and opting for soothing rhetoric. “We are going to have to come together and take meaningful action,” declared the president, meaninglessly.

Perhaps the final word on this tragic debate belongs to Peggy Holmes (9), one of the brave survivors of the Sandy Hook tragedy. “I don’t think there’s really any help,” she whispered confidentially, looking in alarm at a teddy bear cradling a rocket launcher given to her by a Tea Party activist. “The problem isn’t the guns or the arms or the bears or the kids.”

“It’s that half the adults in this country are total dingbats.”

Obama Admits Taking Performance Enhancing Drugs in 2008

Washington – With polls showing the American presidential election is currently a dead heat despite President Obama holding an 8-point lead in September, many Americans have been questioning how the uncertain and stumbling Obama was able to produce such a flawless election campaign in 2008.

Now, after weeks of rumours and allegations inside the Beltway, President Obama has finally come clean and admitted that he did, in order to win the 2008 election, take performance enhancing drugs.

After announcement, Obama instantly regrets not taking Lance Armstrong’s advice.

Said Obama: “I wish to apologise to all those who believed in me, my wife, my family, the Nobel Peace Prize Committee. I so wanted to be the man everyone believed me to be. But when I looked at plain old Barry Obama in the mirror, I just knew the truth – no, I couldn’t.”

“At least not without some artificial stimulus,” he added, to the joy of Republican spindoctors.

Obama swept to the presidency in 2008 with consistent displays of superb oratory that inspired a generation. However, since then his public performances have been erratic, causing many to wonder if there was something suspect about his earlier triumphs.

“Yeah, I knew it was too good to be true,” sighed Elaine Schuppter (43), a registered nurse in Brooklyn’s troubled Brownsville neighbourhood. “This is the greatest democracy in the world! How on earth is a black man ever supposed to be president? There’s no way someone can overcome the handicap of being black to become the Leader of the Free World.”

“Leastways not unless he’s got some serious voodoo.”

A drug-enhanced Obama inspired America in 2008, creating unrealistic expectations of what humans can do.

While some Americans suspected all along that Obama was taking performance enhancing drugs, the rumours began to spread this summer as disaffected members of Obama’s team leaked information to the press. First, his personal physician told of Obama’s involvement with the shady Dr. Michele Ferrari, then his masseuse revealed that Obama had asked her to use make-up to hide needle puncture marks.

Then earlier this month a caretaker at Atlanta’s South View Cemetery revealed that in 2007 he had seen Obama digging at Martin Luther King’s grave at midnight in the company of an infamous New Orleans witchdoctor.

As evidence mounted, Obama was forced to come clean. “My fellow Americans, let me say this: I did not have sexual relations with the corpse of Martin Luther King.” The president paused while his aides unsuccessfully attempted to get a supportive round of applause. “However, some of the other rumours may have foundations that are much less uncertain.”

“Specifically, in order to heal this nation and wipe the stain of the original sin of slavery from the great tapestry of American life, I did, in order to fulfil the hopes and the trust a generation had placed in me, inject bull testosterone and the crushed larynx of Martin Luther King into my anus.”

As he looked out at the sea of shocked faces, Obama remarked: “Man, I could do with some of that good shit right now.”

Obama wishes he had kept some of that good shit for the re-election campaign.

The president explained that remark by saying they’d used up the whole larynx by November of 2008 and since then he has resorted to using the desiccated testicles of Jimmy Carter, with diminishing effect.

As the news sank in, many Americans declared that they were outraged. “I’m outraged!” said Mel Vinocur (34), an assistant district attorney from Kentucky. “I used to look up to Mr. Obama as one of the great orators of our time. Now I find out that he was just shoving the supercharged voodoo voicebox of Martin Luther King up his butt? It’s outrageous!”

“But that Jimmy Carter thing does explain a lot,” he conceded.

A handful of loyal supporters rallied outside the White House in support of Obama. “I don’t care what you did,” sobbed Becky Noob (22), a graphic design student. “It was never about the bull testosterone or whose balls you were shoving up your ass. It was all about you! We can still reimagine America.”

Her voice faltered and a single tear rolled down her cheek and stained her well-worn pop art T-shirt of Barack Obama. “Yes, we can,” she whimpered before blowing her nose in the American flag, to the joy of Republican spindoctors.

Despite the damage done to Obama’s image, pollsters say the race remains a dead heat as voters are equally concerned about Romney’s magic Mormon underwear.

Muslims Riot Against Western Media’s Censorship of Nude Kate Photos

Global protests erupted this week as Muslim communities across the world rioted at the hypocritical and anti-Islamic Western media bias, which continues to mock Muslims by revealing the existence of nude Kate Middleton photos without showing them.

Muslim men protest in Egypt holding a banner demanding “Right to a free press, Kate’s breasts.”

One demonstrator, Muammar Farali (23), said that the suppression of nude Kate photos was clearly an assault on the Islamic community.

“This is typical of the West’s blatant hostility to Islam,” said Mr. Farali, an engineering student from Cairo. “Do you know how hard it is being a strict Muslim man? Our religion forbids drinking, smoking, and taking drugs, and all the bitches have been in purdah since the age of 12. If my balls don’t get to release soon, they are just going to explode!”

“And then, just as I’m thinking that, the BBC tells me that there are nude pictures of Kate Middleton out there? And then they don’t show them? Death to the infidels!” A large crowd of young men roared in support.

Senior figures in the Islamic world have also condemned the West for abandoning the principle of a free press. Leading human rights activist Tariq Habub (41) said that a vital democratic issue was at stake.

“We Muslims believe absolutely in free speech and open governance,” said Mr. Habub. “That’s why we deplore moves by Western media corporations to refrain from publishing these photos. Nothing is more important to a healthy, functioning society than free expression and freedom of information.”

Muslims demand that ‘Christian fascists’ respect the rights of free speech, porn.

“The people have a right to see Kate’s tits!” he cried passionately, while the crowd chanted: “Free press, free breasts.”

The head of the Muslim Council for Women’s Rights, Lerila Noor (52), said that the treatment of Kate Middleton was typical of the West’s degrading attitudes towards women.

“Islam respects the female body,” said Ms. Noor in an interview at her offices in Riyadh. “That’s why we cover it up from head to toe, so the foul Western paparazzi can’t get shots of us in the nip.”

“But in the West women are simply objectified sex objects,” she said in dismay. “Has anyone in the Western media ever had any interest in what Kate Middleton has to say, in who she is as a person? No, they just treat her like a fashion exhibition on legs.”

“The only way for Western women to fight this gender oppression is to take control of their own objectification, like Lady Gaga. Don’t hide it, flaunt it! Parade those tits and arses on your own terms,” she said as the surrounding members of the Muslim Council for Women’s Rights peeled their burqas off and posed suggestively for the flashing cameras.

The Muslim Council for Women’s Right attacks the sexist Western media.

This heady combination of free speech, women’s rights activists, and Kate Middleton’s lissom nudity has ignited large-scale protests across the world for the right of Muslims everywhere to enjoy unobscured views of Kate’s breasts.

However, major Western media outlets remain firm in their stance against radical Islamic demands for free speech. At a news conference today, head of the BBC ethics committee, Sir Jenkins Royston-Hodgson, said: “No way are those camel jockeys allowed to feast their beady eyes on our Princess Kate. There is such a thing as decency! Although I wouldn’t expect those smelly Muslims to know anything about that.”

Outside, the torches and loins of Islamists for a Free Press burned.

UN Dispatches Administrators to Aid Libyan Rebellion

Misrata – As civil war between Libyan rebels and tyrannical dictator Colonel Gaddafi rages, the UN has responded by demanding the immediate dispatch of senior administrators, and called on the world to make sure they are adequately equipped with stationery.

The brutal conflict has already taken an immense toll on the people of Libya. A local doctor at Misrata told the BBC: “They bombed all the houses with heavy weapons. They intentionally gunned and exploded our drug store. They bombed even around our hospital but fortunately nobody was injured. More than five mosques which I know are bombed.”

Libyan refugees look hopefully to the skies for the arrival of the UN bureaucrats.

Libyan refugees look hopefully to the skies for the arrival of the UN bureaucrats.

UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon was quick to reprimand Gaddafi for his actions.

“I call for an immediate halt to the government’s disproportionate use of force and indiscriminate attacks on civilian targets,” read a statement from Mr. Ban’s office. “We would please ask Col. Gaddafi to use force proportionately, and be discriminating in his attacks on civilian targets.”

“I mean, was there really any good reason to blow up the drug store?” continued Mr. Ban. “I think there needs to be more common sense and respect for human values in the artillery shelling of your population.”

As tens of thousands of refugees flee the violence, the different UN agencies swung into action.

Valerie Amos, head of the UN Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs (OCHA) said that she is “rapidly deploying a team to Cairo to reinforce the UN Resident Coordinator in Tripoli, Libya’s capital, and put in place immediately coordination mechanisms.”

"It's hard to tell from here if this particular act of violence is disproportionate or indiscriminate," said Mr. Ban.

"It's hard to tell from here if this particular act of violence is disproportionate or indiscriminate," said Mr. Ban.

“There is only one response to the violent and destructive actions of Col. Gaddafi in suppressing the rights of the Libyan people,” said Ms. Amos sternly. “The immediate dispatch to somewhere nearby of a team of crack bureaucrats.”

“Once in place these bureaucrats will proceed to compile reports on how we may best proceed to process the procession of refugees fleeing Libya, and what structures may be constructed to prevent the obstruction of the democratic desires of the Libyan people.”

Ms. Amos then called on the US to finally pay its UN dues, so the bureaucrats could have adequate supplies of notepads, pencils, printing paper, ink cartridges, staples, and paper clips.

As the OCHA raced to implement procedural guidelines for the draft formatting of provisional reports to the UN General Assembly for consideration in debating a resolution on the ongoing violence in Libya, the UN World Food Programme (WFP) took immediate action against the humanitarian crisis emerging on the ground.

Valerie Amos explains the critical importance of pens to the UN General Assembly.

Valerie Amos explains the critical importance of pens to the UN General Assembly.

According to Ms. Amos, the WFP is dispatching staff to the Egyptian and Tunisian borders to assess needs and “do contingency planning for delivering food assistance to people affected by the violence inside Libya, if there is a need and once the security situation allows.”

This contingency planning will require filing cabinets, folders, and biros to be effective, so the WFP is calling on all member nations to look in their office basements and see if they have anything they could spare.

“We want to go in and do proper assessments,” said Ms. Amos. “But we can’t do that unless the world’s leading nations agree to help us with our dire stationery shortages.”

“Surely the EU and US have plenty of stationery,” she grumbled. “Could they not spare some pencils and paper so we can do our jobs properly?”

Liberals Vow to Fight Bush’s Democratic Wave in Middle East

Washington – In developments that have struck nausea and outrage into America’s liberals, the people of the Middle East are rising up to overthrow dictators and demand their democratic human rights, exactly as George Bush planned.

To the fury of American liberals, the Bush Push for Arab democracy is working.

To the fury of American liberals, the Bush Push for Arab democracy is working.

In 2003, the liberal community mocked George Bush’s ‘Greater Middle East Initiative,’ which was a “forward strategy of freedom” that would bring “God’s gift of democracy” to the Arab world through a righteous war that would make Iraq a “beacon of freedom” in the Middle East.

“One cannot simply impose one’s own ethnocentric practices onto a different region,” said well-known liberal activist Prof. Gerald Jose-Nibombe-Kwang-Tatanka Huffington in 2003. “The war in Iraq is simply a machination of transnational capitalist interests launching a neo-colonial drive against the oppressed masses, on whose behalf I campaign so tirelessly.”

“This medieval ‘Greater Middle East Initiative’ is an embarrassment to our enlightened liberal values,” he added superciliously.

Now, in 2011, much to the gobsmacked disgust of Prof Huffington and liberal cosmopolitan elites everywhere, the Bush plan seems to be working.

After establishing democracy in Iraq, a democratic wave is sweeping the Middle East, with massive protests toppling dictators in Tunisia and Egypt, and now further pro-democracy demonstrations are erupting in Algeria, Yemen, Libya and Bahrein.

The cosmpolitan multi-ethnic liberal Prof. Huffington said he wanted to rip off Bush's nuts and shove them up his ass.

The cosmpolitan multi-ethnic liberal Prof. Huffington said he wanted to rip off Bush's nuts and shove them up his ass.

“But surely this has much more to do with Obama and his inspirational liberal visions!” spluttered Prof. Huffington. “That barbaric, ill-educated Texan yahoo had nothing to do with it!”

Sadly for Prof. Huffington, the historical record shows otherwise. In 2005, as part of the Greater Middle East Initiative, Bush’s Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said in a major policy speech in Cairo: “For 60 years, my country, the United States, pursued stability at the expense of democracy in this region, here in the Middle East, and we achieved neither. Now, we are taking a different course. We are supporting the democratic aspirations of all people. It is time to abandon the excuses that are made to avoid the hard work of democracy.”

In 2009, Obama did his level best to backtrack from this position and explain that the US had no intention of supporting democracy in the Middle East.

Said Obama: “I know there has been controversy about the promotion of democracy in recent years, and much of this controversy is connected to the war in Iraq. So let me be clear: no system of government can or should be imposed upon one nation by any other.”

Pro-democracy activists in the Middle East march under the banner of their hero, George Bush.

Pro-democracy activists in the Middle East march under the banner of their hero, George Bush.

Fortunately for the people of Egypt, Obama’s craven liberal climbdown came too late to halt the ‘Bush Push’ for democracy.

“Why did American liberals think we would listen to some black Muslim? That’s exactly the kind of person who’s oppressing us,” said Rafina Larat (27), one of the pro-democracy protesters in Tahrir Square.

“What we needed was a big white American man wearing a Stetson hat, a real-life John Wayne ready to take his Winchester and bring Texas justice to the lawless and anti-democratic frontier.”

“George Bush WE LOVE YOU!” screamed Ms. Larat to cheers, before the crowd began waving posters of Bush and chanting “George Bush-u Akbar! George Bush-u Akbar!”

Seeing millions of democratic activists in the Middle East idolise their hero George Bush has sparked fury across the American liberal establishment.

American liberals fight pro-democracy activists in the Middle East.

American liberals fight pro-democracy activists in the Middle East.

“This outrage cannot be allowed to spread!” roared Prof. Huffington at a convention for literary academics and social scientists. “We must don our riot gear and immediately leave for these troubled dictatorships to help beat some sense into these protesting morons.”

“My fellow liberals, we must take up arms to fight democracy in the Middle East!”

The matter was then put to a vote, which unanimously called for a state-funded conference to discuss how best to uphold repressive Middle East dictatorships and thwart the evil plans of George Bush.

Twittering Media Fascinated by Egyptian Tweets, Popular Uprising

New York – As angry and downtrodden Egyptians rise up against the dictatorial rule of Hosni Mubarak, sparking global discussion about social and political transformation in the Middle East, the titans of world media have concluded that, really, Twitter is just so awesome.

Only 20% of the Egyptian population may have access to the Internet, and hardly anyone now that Mubarak has shut down the Internet service providers, but that hasn’t stopped news networks recognising and praising the power of social media whenever they talk about Egypt.

Egyptian protesters said they were mystified by these bizarre questions from US news networks.

Egyptian protesters said they were mystified by these bizarre questions from US news networks.

“The use of social media is the most fascinating aspect of this whole revolution,” declared Piers Morgan of CNN as thousands of protesters in Tahrir Square stood up for justice, human rights, and democracy. “I mean, where would these people be without Facebook and, in particular, Twitter?”

“Where would any of us be?” he asked. “Just the other night I tweeted my private list to see if anyone wanted to try out the new French restaurant on 42nd street and in thirty minutes a group of us met up and had a lovely basil salmon terrine with an exquisite Chablis.”

“Egyptian and New Yorker alike are united by the global power of Twitter,” announced Morgan grandly.

In just a couple of years, Twitter has transformed the lives of leading media journalists and thus, by extension, the rest of humanity. Most leading journalists now operate a Twitter feed so that they can Twitter on in public throughout the day.

Thomas Friedman of the New York Times was quick to extol the power of social media to make the world more American. “The diffusion of Twitter, Facebook and texting finally gives them a voice to talk back to their leaders and directly to each other,” wrote Friedman.

"Just think how quickly they could have built those things using Twitter," said Friedman.

"Just think how quickly they could have built those things using Twitter," said Friedman.

“Prior to these innovative American inventions, Egyptians were unable to talk to each other directly. They had to use a primitive sign language and sniff each others’ bottoms for recognition.”

“But now that they have social media, they seem to be rapidly developing the rudiments of American culture! I’ll bet pretty soon they won’t dislike Israel any more, and will enjoy a peaceful democratic non-Islamic lifestyle, with plenty of bacon.”

No one, however, eclipsed MSNBC in its in-depth analysis of social media in Egypt. (None of the following dialogue is invented – Ed.)

“Where would we be today, this week literally now, without this electronic communication in Egypt?” asked Lawrence O’Donnell of MSNBC to Chris Hughes, co-founder of Facebook, who was naturally on air to discuss the Egyptian crisis.

“Technology is a lifeblood of what’s going on here,” said Hughes. “I mean, we can even imagine here in America, if we didn‘t have cell phones, if we only had limited access to land lines, no Twitter, no Facebook, none of this stuff, we wouldn‘t know how to find a mass group of people in a small town or a city.”

As well as allowing people who live a stone’s throw from each other to communicate without throwing stones, Facebook also apparently maintains world peace.

"Facebook and Twitter are the uncovered breasts of Liberty leading the people," declared O'Donnell.

"Facebook and Twitter are the uncovered breasts of Liberty leading the people," declared O'Donnell.

“I mean, it sounds to me, Chris—you‘ve thought about this more than the rest of us,” began O’Donnell, deferentially bowing to the Facebook co-founder’s knowledge of Egyptian politics, “that turning off the Internet could actually lead to more violence, because people could find themselves with less ability to organize peacefully and their actions would start to become more random.”

“Yeah, that’s absolutely true,” said Hughes, as the screen behind him showed thousands of people chanting in unison, being led by a man with a megaphone.

“Although somehow the French managed to have a revolution without Facebook or Twitter,” added O’Donnell, mystified.

As the protests continue, media networks have pledged that they will continue to follow events live on Facebook and Twitter, rather than go to Egypt and find out what’s going on.

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