Canada Doing Just Fine

Edmonton – As the rest of the world surveys the carnage of 2010, from the continuing hardship of the global economic recession, the proliferation of wars, and the ongoing decline of good music, a bemused Canada announced today that it was doing just fine.

Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced in a speech reviewing the year that everything was all right. “My fellow Canadians,” he said in a relaxed, homely manner. “This has been a pretty good year for Canada, just like last year and the most of the years before that. We have a sound economy, a secure nation, and a quality of living that much of the world envies.”

"Yep, that's our national parliament," said Mr. Harper proudly. "Mighty fine."

"Yep, that's our national parliament," said Mr. Harper proudly. "Mighty fine."

“Although, really,” said Mr. Harper, suddenly thinking about the rest of the world. “How hard can it be?”

Leading analysts said Canada had benefited from a political tradition that discourages complete dumbasses from running for office.

“Canadian voters have traditionally been hostile to the idea of having mentally deranged ideological zealots with Ph.Ds from the Community College of Moronville running the government,” said James Green, Professor of Political Science at the University of Ottawa. “As we’ve seen in, say, the USA or Ireland, having such people in charge can cause serious problems for the average citizen. That’s why we would never vote in someone like George W. Bush or Brian Cowen – they were obviously going to make a balls of it, so why would you give them the job?”

“Well, technically the Irish didn’t vote Brian Cowen in,” admitted Professor Green. “But I actually find that more disturbing, don’t you?”

The tradition of voting for sane, intelligent individuals for public office has had knock-on benefits for the economy.

"No sir, you don't see signs like this at Canada's well regulated banks," said Mr. Lagrange.

"No sir, you don't see signs like this at Canada's well regulated banks," said Mr. Lagrange.

“I think that’s obvious if we take a look at the different trends following the recession,” said Kenneth Lagrange, a market analyst for Goldman Sachs. “Canada survived a global financial meltdown pretty much intact because its government actually regulated the banks. Now, our banks and our money are doing just fine.”

“Compare that with the US, where Republicans have been and still are actively campaigning for deregulation,” he said, shaking his head in puzzlement. “Yeah, like when someone goes nuts and trashes your home, the last thing you’d want to do is call the police, right? Unless you’d like the Tea Party to come round and practice some good old-fashioned neighbourhood justice, with no need to get the government involved.”

“And don’t even ask about Ireland!” he added with a laugh. “From encouraging the housing bubble to agreeing to the bank bailout to the humiliating deal with the IMF, those guys are paying the price for having dumbasses at the wheel.”

General Howard Farlington said that responsible governance was also at the heart of Canada’s security policy.

"Now, really, who's that helping?" said General Farlington disapprovingly.

"Now, really, who's that helping?" said General Farlington disapprovingly.

“We have one golden rule for keeping Canadians safe,” said General Farlington briskly. “Don’t invade other countries and kill people.”

“You see, killing thousands of unarmed civilians in Third World countries generally leaves a lot of people angry with you; then those people try to kill you back,” he explained. “That’s why here in Canada we don’t declare war on anyone, and it’s a policy that’s working just fine.”

“Compare that with the American policy, and you’ll see what I mean.”

Ordinary citizens declared themselves “satisfied” with Canada’s progress. “Sure, it’s not a bad place to live, not a bad place at all,” said Ottawa resident Jane Dearborn (37). “Although really, as our Prime Minister said, how hard can it be? I mean, vote in smart pragmatic leaders, don’t start any wars, and sensibly regulate the market – it doesn’t take a genius to work that out. I don’t see why life everywhere in the world can’t be just fine, like here.”

At the UN, representatives of the world’s other nations announced they would love it, just love it, if Canada fell flat on its smug complacent face in 2011.

One Response to Canada Doing Just Fine

  1. 1651ce says:

    It’s not all gloom and doom in Ireland:

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