Santa Stuck at Dublin Airport, Rapidly Losing Christmas Spirit

Dublin Airport – With a merry “Ho-ho-ho!” Santa Claus swung down through Irish airspace this morning to begin the mighty task of delivering presents to the nation’s children.

However, after being stuck at Dublin Airport for the past ten hours, Santa is rapidly beginning to lose his joyous sense of Christmas and is starting to become rather pissed off.

An increasingly gaunt Santa waits miserably with thousands of stranded travellers.

An increasingly gaunt Santa waits miserably with thousands of stranded travellers.

Said Santa grouchily, “I don’t want to talk about it – get out of my fucking face,” as he took a slug from a near-empty bottle of Black Bush he’d bought at the airport shop in order to help keep warm.

Santa began in his odyssey to bring joy to the world’s children early today as he left his secret base at the North Pole with enormous sacks stuffed with toys on his reindeer-pulled sled.

The elves had even made an extra big sack for the suffering Irish children forced to make do with wooden “Made-in-Ireland” toys from their cash-strapped parents.

However, problems arose the moment Santa pulled his sleigh into Irish airspace. “Em, Santa, you’re going to have to back up to 10,000 feet and circle for a while,” said a bureaucratic voice from the Dublin air traffic control. “We’ve got snow all over the runways that we need to clear off before you can land.”

“Ho-ho,” said Father Christmas with unflappable jollity. “The reindeer won’t fancy that! Hyah, Rudolph! Up we go!”

Two hours later Santa asked traffic control when they expected the fucking runways to be clear.

“Em, well, it’s snowing even as we speak, Santa,” said traffic control. “And we had to lay off some groundstaff, and some of them are out sick or have taken holidays because it’s Christmas, you know? So at the moment it’s just old Micko out there with a sweeping brush and he’s doin’ his best, like, but he’s not a fuckin’ miracle worker.”

Reclining airport groundstaff say the unprecedented snowfall will paralyse air travel for weeks.

Reclining airport groundstaff say the unprecedented snowfall will paralyse air travel for weeks.

“I think one of my reindeer just died!” bellowed a clearly frustrated Santa. “We’re coming in now, ready or not.”

“And I live at the North Pole, for fuck’s sake! How much snow could Ireland actually have?”

Santa dived his sled beneath the clouds to find Dublin’s runways lightly dusted in three inches of snow while groundstaff with cups of tea stood looking at it with expressions of helpless defeat, as if no civilisation in human history could be expected to cope with such inclement weather conditions.

“Ho-ho-ho not,” grumbled Santa as he lumbered out of the sled. “Right, let’s get this immigration and customs stuff over with and get back in the air.”

“Passport,” said the robot-faced Garda behind the immigration desk.

“But, my good man, I’m Santa Claus!” said Santa, posing with merry grin before the booth so the Garda would recognise his mistake.

“I don’t care if you’re Bob fuckin’ Geldof,” replied the Garda. “Passport.”

A traumatised Santa remains stranded at Dublin Airport, drowning his sorrows.

A traumatised Santa remains stranded at Dublin Airport, drowning his sorrows.

“But, but,” stammered Santa, who was born in the first millennium after Christ and thus at a time when necessary bureaucratic documentation could be considered spotty at best.

“And what’s in the bag?” added the customs Garda, as they began ganging up on the sweaty red-faced fat man. Santa was promptly hauled off into an interview room for a 2-hour interrogation of his credentials, which were eventually resolved after a rubber-gloved examination of his ample bottom to see if were smuggling illegal narcotics into the country.

Santa emerged from the ordeal to find that his reindeer had been impounded and, due to the snow, he had been denied clearance for take-off. “We might be able to let you go some time in January,” said an uncaring bureaucrat with a shrug, as Santa settled down with a bottle of Black Bush among the thousands of other passengers stranded at the airport.

“I fucking hate this country,” he said morbidly, as he began rummaging through the present sack for some chocolates to stave off the hunger.

One Response to Santa Stuck at Dublin Airport, Rapidly Losing Christmas Spirit

  1. Pingback: Butchers Worry as Dustin the Turkey Made Minister for Christmas Dinners « Views from the Lifeboat

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