Merkel Rejects Cyprus President’s Request for Cuddle

Nicosia, Cyprus – As Cyprus enters increasingly desperate straits under the quadruple pressure of bust banks, excessive government expenditure, an inability to borrow on international markets, and a housing crash, German Chancellor Angela Merkel repeated today that though she sympathised with the people of Cyprus, she would continue to refuse Cypriot President Nicos Anastasiades’ increasingly urgent requests for a cuddle.

Anastasiades is desperate for a hug, but Merkel continues to refuse.

Anastasiades is desperate for a hug, but Merkel continues to refuse.

Said Chancellor Merkel: “We are currently engaged in constructive dialogue with the Cypriot government and our EU partners to find a resolution to this situation that will restore a sense of common purpose to the European project and remind us once again that we are all in this together.

“However, that does not include giving Mr. Anastasiades’ a cuddle to reassure him that Mutti Merkel still loves him,” added die Kanzlerin sternly. “He made this mess, so he has to clean it up first.”

Mr. Anastasiades has been increasingly vocal in recent weeks that, given the dire state of Cyprus’ economy, he really, really, needs a hug. “Jesus, I said I was sorry already,” mumbled Mr. Anastasiades, dragging deeply on a cigarette. He paused to take a quick swig from a hip flask. “I won’t do it again! But she says I’m a grown-up now so I have to pay my own debts.”

“She can be such a bitch sometimes,” he added gloomily.

Mr. Anastasiades said he wasn't sure how much longer he or Cyprus could go on unless Merkel gave him a cuddle soon.

Mr. Anastasiades said he wasn’t sure how much longer he or Cyprus could go on unless Merkel gave him a cuddle soon.

The strident debate goes to the heart of the crisis afflicting the Eurozone. Germany, as the largest economy in Europe, is effectively responsible for supporting other nations in times of economic downturn in order for the Eurozone to recover and prosper. Knowing this, certain nations threw a huge party and trashed the house in a coke-fuelled bender of epic proportions. A furious Merkel is refusing to pay for the damage unless the guilty parties forfeit their pocket money for the next five years.

“This irresponsible behaviour cannot be tolerated,” declared Merkel. “If I just hug the president of Cyprus now and tell him everything is OK, next week I’ll come home to find him in crotchless spandex pants getting a lap dance from sixteen hairy Greek prostitutes, all paid for with my credit card. A line must be drawn.”

Cyprus, however, came out fighting. “If she hadn’t left the keys to the drinks cabinet, none of this would have happened!” insisted Mr. Anastasiades indignantly. “So, really, it’s her fault! She knows what I’m like and she can’t just make it that easy for me to access the vault.

“Also, I could totally go for sixteen hairy Greek lap dancers right now,” he added wistfully.

"Yeah, that's what I'm talking about," growled Mr. Anastasiades breathily.

“Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about,” growled Mr. Anastasiades breathily.

Opinion on the “Hug for Cyprus” has sharply divided Europe into those who favour an austere parental approach and those who believe in forgiveness, love, and free money.

“Nein!” said Augustus von Scheisskopf (35) when asked for his opinion on the streets of Frankfurt. “She’s our Mutti! It’s her job to look after us, not you.” He chomped stoutly on a chocolate bar, his jowls wobbling. “Mutti doesn’t love you,” he sneered before waddling away to beat some Turkish immigrants with his riding crop.

Cypriots, however, had radically different views. “Germans are hug Nazis,” said Kostas Fecklessaris (21) fervently. “You ask a German for a hug, and a billion euro, and all you get is a no. Tightwad cold fish Nazis.”

Leaders of fellow troubled nations like Spain and Portugal agreed with Mr. Anastasiades that Merkel needed to be more Latin and less Teutonic with her hugging. Greek PM Antonis Samaras said he agreed in spirit, but wasn’t talking to Mr. Anastasiades after his slanderous assertion that Greek women were hairy.

Perhaps the most sobering comments came from Irish Taoiseach Enda Kenny, however. “Oh, we’ve been nothing but good boys since the whole house party,” said Mr. Kenny. “We give her all our pocket money and she hugs us all the time. All the time…” he repeated with a thousand-yard stare. “It’s been years now since we’ve had our heads out of that ample German bosom. She’s got our Irish heads squashed between her giant Teutonic tits and now we can’t breathe!” Mr. Kenny gasped for air and dashed out of the room.

Time Defends Nude Photos of Enda Kenny

Dublin – Representatives of Time magazine today defended their decision to publish, as part of their special issue on ‘The Celtic Comeback,’ photos of Taoiseach Enda Kenny in the nude.

“Stop concentrating on the smaller picture!”

Catherine Mayer, the European editor of Time, said: “Our coverage of Enda Kenny was comprehensive yet balanced. The nude photos were really only a small part of our feature. It’s just so typical of the Irish to focus on the smaller picture.”

When asked if the smaller picture was the one in which the naked Taoiseach’s erection was tastefully obscured by a shamrock, Ms. Mayer replied: “Yes, that one.”

Time magazine is regarded as one of the world’s leading political journals, having anticipated many of the century’s major developments. It made Adolf Hitler its ‘Man of the Year’ in 1938 for his efforts to bring about peace in Europe. In 1939 it gave the award, again for humanitarian work for peace, to Josef Stalin. It also named George W. Bush ‘Man of the Year’ – twice.

“Yeah, well, you get hits and misses,” said Ms. Mayer dismissively. “But our coverage of Enda Kenny is definitely a hit. The guy deserves recognition. And Time is committed to recognising his achievements, even if some of them had to obscured with a four-leaf clover.”

Ms. Mayer explained that she was motivated to do the cover story both by her desire to correct misperceptions of Enda Kenny in Ireland and her desire to see him in the buff.

Kenny joins such luminaries as Hitler, Stalin, and George W. Bush on the cover of Time.

“Sometimes you can really see things better from a distance,” said Ms. Mayer. “But Enda Kenny is someone you need to see up close and personal. The Irish are both too far away and too close to the problem simultaneously. They know unemployment is sky high, but not that Enda Kenny has a really nice butt.”

“What they need to see is both their Taoiseach’s virile masculine physique and that Ireland’s GDP has started inching up again after it’s catastrophic fall.”

When asked what that meant for unemployed, Ms. Mayer became exasperated. “Honestly, all of this has been explained by America’s finest economists! If your GDP goes up, then the whole pie gets bigger, so it doesn’t matter if you personally are getting less pie. What matters is there’s a lot more pie for you to have less of. And if most people are having less pie, that just leaves a lot more pie for their children.”

“To have less of.” She paused for a moment. “You’ll have to ask Mitt Romney for details. I think it’s 47% more pie for all those having less, or something like that.”

She apologised for being a bit inarticulate and said the photo of Enda Kenny cheekily looking over his shoulder at the camera while his hand slipped his underwear off one ass-cheek had momentarily flustered her.

After a glass of water, she explained that she was fed up with Irish perceptions of the Taoiseach as a political lightweight. “Enda Kenny is someone who has a gulf between the way he’s perceived in his own country and the way he’s perceived abroad. Irish people need to understand that Enda Kenny is the poster boy as far as the European Central Bank is concerned.”

Admittedly, this photo can make anyone lose their train of thought.

Upon being asked if she meant the same ECB that illegally forced Ireland to buy out bondholders of insolvent banks, thus forcing the Irish people to shoulder billions of dollars of someone else’s losses, Ms. Mayer replied: “Yes, that ECB.”

“The one whose actions towards Ireland were considered so needlessly harsh that even the IMF objected?” asked Michael Dooley of the Irish Times.

“Yes!” said Ms. Mayer irritably. “I mean, really, do you Irish have to be so narrow-minded about these things? If the ECB hits you, and then says it loves you, then that’s real love, right? There’s no loss of respect involved. That’s why publishing nude photos of the Taoiseach at this time is appropriate, so the ECB can realise it loves you all the more.”

Ms. Mayer concluded by saying criticisms of Time and Enda Kenny were unwarranted. “We wanted to show everyone just how well Ireland is doing by showing its political leader in the nude playing with an anal dildo shaped like a euro. Is that a crime?”

“Well, maybe, if we don’t advertise the magazine is for over-18s. But, anyway, I think the Irish people need to stand up and salute Enda Kenny.”

“After all, he’s standing up to salute you, even if you can’t see it behind the shamrock.”

Constitutional Convention to Revolutionise Dáil Menu

Dublin – Irish Taoiseach Enda Kenny confronted allegations that the ‘Constitutional Convention’ for political reform was a toothless sideshow by declaring that the convention had been given full authority to recommend sweeping changes to the Dáil cafeteria menu.

Said Kenny: “Four years ago, our nation went bankrupt thanks to major institutional failures, particular in our system of governance. Fine Gael knew then that major changes needed to be changed. We heard your cries for change and change is coming.”

An alarmed Eamon Gilmore hurriedly jumps in to prevent Enda Kenny promising genuine reform.

“The Constitutional Convention will change, radically, the fundamental linchpin of Irish political culture and the single most vital ingredient of a properly functioning democracy – the selection, composition, and function of the Dáil.”

“Cafeteria menu,” he added hastily, after being prompted by an alarmed Eamon Gilmore.

“Change,” repeated Gilmore, after an awkward pause.

Critics had previously accused the government of giving the Convention only peripheral issues, such as blasphemy, to deal with.

“I disagree strongly with those criticisms,” said Mr. Kenny sternly. “Blasphemy is a real challenge to our society. Jesus Christ, it may be second only to the total collapse of the Irish economy due to corruption, flawed institutions, and incompetence!”

“But some people still think the Convention is only allowed a menu of marginal reforms, rather than reforms of the menu itself. Well, I swear by the unsoiled pubes of the Virgin Mary that the Convention will have full control of Dáil menu reform!”

Opposition leader Micheál Martin was quick to denounce the new proposal as ‘a radical threat to Irish democracy.’

“Veal tenderloin on Tuesday afternoons is the birthright of every Fianna Fáil TD!” declared Mr. Martin indignantly.

Said Mr. Martin: “The Dáil menu is one of the signature achievements of previous Fianna Fáil governments. The sumptuous five-course lunches with open bars are the only thing that ensure our TDs occasionally enter the parliament.”

“If the Convention were to scrap veal tenderloin Tuesday, then – Jesus’ gay sandals! – this place would be a ghost town.”

Some leading commentators agreed vigorously with Mr. Martin. “Reform of the Dáil cafeteria menu could be disastrous!” thundered RTE political correspondent Noel Knowles through a mouthful of apple crumble. “Do you know how boring it is being stuck on the Dáil watch? Holy Joseph’s balls! Sure, those parish gombeen men have nothing to say, even when they do show up.”

“If it wasn’t for the tender quail breast in lemon sauce on Fridays I’d never make it through the week.”

Political scientists, however, cautiously welcomed the proposal. “Statistics do indicate that there may be a connection between the Dáil menu and the collapse of the Irish economy,” said Prof. Gavin Frumprock of UCD. “I mean, did you see the fat bastards who were running the country then? Every extra kilo correlated with another thousand euros off the average family income. No wonder we were buggered like altar boys.”

“Cowen and Harney alone probably ate the national pension fund,” he added gloomily.

Brian Cowen and Mary Harney look at each other guiltily when asked where the national pension fund went.

Skeptics argue that the Convention is structured in such a way as to prevent any meaningful reform of the Dáil menu.

“Just look at the make-up of the Convention,” said reform activist Ian Gormley (36). “One-third of the people in it are sitting TDs. There’s no way they’re going to vote for austerity measures like Australian cabernet sauvignon on the wine list. It’s Chateau Lafite or nothing for that lot.”

“Not only that, but they’re only allowing the Convention to ‘propose’ changes to the Dáil. Let’s see what happens if the Convention proposes getting rid of filet mignon on Thursdays and replacing it with porridge. That would save a lot of money and show leadership by example. Will it happen? Did Mary blow the disciples one-by-one at the foot of the cross?”

The Taoiseach, however, denied that his government would reject any proposed austerity measures for politicians that arose from the Convention.

“If the people say we must eat cake,” said the Taoiseach with kingly wisdom, “then let us eat cake.”

Fight Begins for Last 166 Jobs in Ireland

Rep. of Ireland – The nation’s favourite reality TV show, The General Election, begins today with 566 contestants fighting to claim the last 166 jobs in Ireland.

The General Election, a traditionally popular TV extravaganza, asks the people of Ireland to choose every five years the lucky 166 people who will be given a bucket load of cash every year, plus a secure pension, for doing absolutely nothing.

"Election 2011 - The Last 166 Jobs in Ireland" is expected to draw millions of viewers.

"Election 2011 - The Last 166 Jobs in Ireland" is expected to draw millions of viewers.

Traditionally advertised as being ‘the best jobs for the laziest hoors in Ireland,’ this year’s General Election will have the added attraction of advertising the last jobs in Ireland.

Reality TV analyst Knowall Whelan said: “This is shaping up to be the best show we’ve ever had. What with the country collapsing and thousands of people leaving for foreign shores every month, the competition for the last 166 jobs will be fierce.”

“After all, for the losers nothing awaits except the coffin ships to the States,” pronounced Whelan, “so it really is a matter of life and death for the candidates. If they don’t get in as TDs today, they’ll be in the same boats as the rest of us.”

“I’m tellin’ you,” he chortled, “no one wants to wake up tomorrow as an ordinary citizen of Ireland!”

Ireland has traditionally favoured fat red-faced men from FF, for inexplicable reasons.

Ireland has traditionally favoured fat red-faced men from FF, for inexplicable reasons.

For a long time the nation has overwhelmingly chosen fat, red-faced men from Fianna Fáil to be the winners of The General Election. However, the public has grown tired of fat, red-faced men recently due to overexposure to previous winners Bertie Ahern and Brian Cowen, and there is a feeling that a change would reinvigorate the show’s popularity.

“It’s time for women to have a bigger presence in The General Election,” declared liberal TV critic Elaine Burn. “Women need to support and encourage strong female candidates like Lucinda Creighton to ensure greater equality for all Irish citizens.”

Creighton, the Equalities spokeswoman for Fine Gael, then came out against gay marriage in a Tweet that read: “I think marriage is primarily about children, main purpose being to propagate & create environment for children to grow up. I think civil partnership should ensure gay couples r treated fairly and justly re tax inheritance etc & recognition by the State But marriage is different.”

“That fucking bitch!” snapped Burn when she read the Tweet. “Riding around in her fuck-me boots – what did she suck to get the Equalities position in Fine Gael?”

“If I see her on the street I’m going to bitch-slap her and yank her badly-dyed blond hair out.”

"I'll give you one guess what she sucked to get that post," snarled Elaine Burn spitefully.

"I'll give you one guess what she sucked to get that post," snarled Elaine Burn spitefully.

With passions running high, the public is looking forward to seeing sparks fly, particularly from maverick outsiders trying to make one final impression.

“We need honesty and integrity in public life,” bellowed Gerry Adams, head of Sinn Féin. “Fianna Fáil and the bankers and developers have robbed this country blind and lied to us all the way. If you vote for me, I’ll find out their secrets; I’ll find out where the bodies are buried and I’ll find out what happened to the money in our banks.”

Labour’s Eamon Gilmore was originally a leading frontrunner in the early stages, but his support has dwindled as the public realised he too is a fat, red-faced man. The almost certain winner of The General Election, much to the disappointment of all, will be a middle-aged Mayo farmer, Enda Kenny.

“It’s just like the Lotto,” sighed Knowall Whelan. “You get all excited when there’s a big jackpot, then it goes to some ould lad from the West who has no idea what to do with it.”

A middle-aged Mayo farmer celebrates victory, much to everyone's disappointment.

A middle-aged Mayo farmer celebrates victory, much to everyone's disappointment.

Some voters remain unimpressed by the hype, however. “Every five years we get all het up over this General Election nonsense,” grumbled Henry Gardner (62) as he walked down to the polling station.

“If Ireland actually had any vibrant, dynamic young people left, they would have been on the streets protesting against the bankruptcy of the nation. Did you see anyone protesting? No. That’s because we don’t have any vibrant, dynamic young people.”

“We vote for the fat, red-faced, lazy hoors because that’s who we are,” he said, before ticking the box for Fianna Fáil and stalking out of the polling booth.

Nation Agrees Final Leadership Debate Won by O’Callaghan

Dublin – After watching last night’s final leadership debate before the election, the Irish people were almost unanimous in agreeing it had been comprehensively won by Miriam O’Callaghan.

Presenter Miriam O’Callaghan showed a tremendous grasp of policy and the important questions facing the nation, and also projected an air of calm confidence and control, while Enda Kenny, Micheál Martin, and Eamon Gilmore looked increasingly like men completely out of their depth.

Miriam O'Callaghan comfortably beat the aborted foetus, the plank of wood, and the well-shaven Santa.

Miriam O'Callaghan comfortably beat the aborted foetus, the plank of wood, and the well-shaven Santa.

“Of course she’s also a very telegenic woman,” said Pat Johnson (54), in a gathering of voters in Dublin S.E. to discuss the debate. “Whereas Enda Kenny looks like a well-varnished plank of wood, Eamon Gilmore looks like Santa with the beard shaved off, and Micheál Martin looks like an aborted foetus.”

“But it was really her grasp of important policy issues that impressed me,” he said, to nods all round. “She was the only one trying to discuss the really big problems facing the country. And you’d never have heard her saying, ‘Check the RTE website for details,’ or spending her whole time attacking other people because she had nothing to say herself.”

“She’s got my No. 1 on Friday,” he concluded, pounding his fist on the table.

Others were impressed by her ability to maintain control amid the irritating bickering and squabbling. Laura Brogan (67) said that Ireland really needed an experienced mother like Miriam O’Callaghan to take charge of the Dáil.

O'Callaghan has long been famous for her ability to control Ireland's notoriously badly behaved politicians.

O'Callaghan has long been famous for her ability to control Ireland's notoriously badly behaved politicians.

“Sure, what did we see last night only three men throwing tantrums and launching toys out of their prams at each other? Gilmore would have pulled Martin’s hair over the HSE, if he had any, while Enda spent the whole debate so scared that Martin would belt him in the face he wouldn’t even make eye contact.”

“But as a mother of eight, Miriam was well able to keep them in hand, although I think she should have given that Martin lad a clip round the ear and told him to cop onto himself. But we’ll need someone like that to keep the Dáil in line when there’s 166 of them in one room, all bawling and raging over who took their pocket money away.”

“Miriam is the right woman for the job,” she said stoutly.

The three men in the debate were considered particularly uninspiring in comparison.

“Has Micheál Martin no sense of shame?” thundered Mark Ryan (34), looking around incredulously. “There he was, yapping away at the end of the table, accusing the other parties of dishonesty. Dishonesty! As if his government hadn’t personally lied to the country about the IMF. We had to have reporters go out on the street asking foreigners in business suits: ‘Are you the IMF?’ in order to get the truth.”

Most agreed that Martin deserved a clip round the ear from O'Callaghan for his boorish heckling and hypocrisy.

Most agreed that Martin deserved a clip round the ear from O'Callaghan for his boorish heckling and hypocrisy.

“And what about his statement that the Dutch were unhappy with their healthcare system? God, I had no idea our country was overrun with Dutch medical tourists coming here just to take advantage of the HSE. They must keep a very low profile, unlike the IMF.”

“So we had one group of lads who weren’t in the country despite the fact everyone could see them and another group who apparently are flooding the country even though they’re invisible.”

“What’s his plan for economic recovery? Raid the strategic leprechaun gold reserve?” snorted Mr. Ryan. “If he thinks I’m voting for him ahead of Miriam O’Callaghan, he’s more deluded than his own economic growth forecasts.”

While Martin’s astonishing levels of hypocrisy throughout the debate took centre stage, many were also unimpressed with Enda Kenny’s impersonation of Dustin the Turkey.

“If I wanted to see a man with someone else’s hand up his arse putting words in his mouth, I’d watch The Den,” declared Theresa Prior (26). “Sure what’s he going to do for us in Europe? Do you think Angela Merkel has someone’s hand up her arse? She’s the puppet master; she’d have Enda back here squawking about how we need to give money to support autobahn construction in the former East, while we’re eating nettle soup.”

Dustin the Turkey has a bad track record in Europe, but may still be a safer bet than Enda Kenny.

Dustin the Turkey has a bad track record in Europe, but may still be a safer bet than Enda Kenny.

Labour leader Eamon Gilmore’s soft core emotional rhetoric about families made many people nauseous.

“Oh, won’t somebody please think of the family?” mocked Ms. Prior, to great laughter. “Oh ye aging housewives of Ireland, please vote for Eamon Gilmore and the family!”

All present laughed appreciatively, as they had the security of knowing that at least one person at the debate looked capable of running the country.

“God only knows what we’d do without Miriam,” sighed Laura Brogan. “I’d hate to think of the country being run by any of those other three gobshites.”

FG Major Change from FF, says Enda Kenny

Secret FG Election HQ – Speaking by telephone from an anonymous location where he can be safely kept away from the media, Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny today insisted that in the upcoming election Ireland could make no more radical change from FF than FG.

Kenny (left) said an FG-Labour alliance would radically change the Old Boys' Club of Irish politics.

Kenny (left) said an FG-Labour alliance would radically change the Old Boys' Club of Irish politics.

A muffled voice reading from a pre-prepared script intoned: “The Irish people demand change. They are sick of the way FF has run this country as its own personal fiefdom since independence. In the 21st century, we need a new kind of party, something radically different from FF – FG.”

Unlike other European countries with their left-right political party balance, Ireland is so Catholic its two major political parties are both centre-right, reflecting a traditionally reverential attitude to power even as it openly buggers our children’s arses.

Now FF has utterly gorged itself on national buggery, the nation is looking to FG, which currently leads the polls in the run-up to the election despite being led by the hapless Enda Kenny, the only political leader in the Western world dumb enough to have openly used the word ‘nigger’ as part of a joke while chatting with the press.

To make matters worse, the ‘nigger’ in question was the then recently assassinated Prime Minister of Congo Patrice Lumamba, thus making Kenny the only leader in the world dumb enough to dance on the grave of a martyr for democracy and human rights while calling him a ‘nigger.’

"Is that the nigger who got shot in the Congo?" asked Kenny curiously.

"Is that the nigger who got shot in the Congo?" asked Kenny curiously.

Such is the desperate state of Irish politics, however, that Kenny is now almost certain to become the next Taoiseach.

Asked if his impending election high office were not a sign of how broken and defeated Ireland was, Kenny shuffled his pre-written pages looking for something to say.

“There can be no greater change from FF than FG,” repeated Enda Kenny, re-reading bits of the script while he searched for a pre-set phrase. “We’re a different, more progressive letter of the alphabet. F stands for failure, farting, funerals, and all kinds of bad things while G stands for good, gold, goals, etc. It’s a whole different mindset.”

FG political minders raced around the pressroom in panic as it became obvious that Ireland’s impending political leader was now, horrifyingly, acting on his own initiative.

“We have plans, you know, big plans, smart plans,” wittered Kenny, continuing on like a man in a dream heading for the cliff but unable to stop. “We want a Dutch-style privately-funded health insurance system, while our likely coalition partners Labour want a publicly-funded system. Our smart plan is to not discuss this in front of voters and just come to some kind of half-assed compromise among ourselves.”

Many voters felt 'FU' was a much more apt acronym for an Irish political party.

Many voters felt 'FU' was a much more apt acronym for an Irish political party.

“Then we’ll just present the voters with our totally fudged fait accompli and they can lump it. That’s how we’ll be different from FF.”

“And the people voting for Sinn Féin are just throwing their votes away. Sure, they’re only a bunch of knackers, lads!” exclaimed Kenny as FG went into full red-alert crisis mode.

“And this new FF front bench is only a bit of codology about diversity and youth and women’s empowerment. Sure, behind all those knickers are the same old FF pricks. And if you scratch the paint off their token nigger you’ll find he’s FF to the bone.”

“No,” said Kenny, sounding rather pleased with how well he’d survived this particular encounter with the media, “FG is yer only man if you want real change. Vote Enda Kenny for Taoiseach.”

“You know it’s the right choice.”

Fine Gael Announce Solution to Financial Crisis: “Ministerial Jobs.”

Fine Gael today finally published a detailed proposal outlining the party’s preferred solution to the economic crisis – ministerial jobs.

At a press launch for the new policy document, party leader Enda Kenny declared, “There has been a great deal of discussion about the right path for Fine Gael to take in order to go round this economic cycle until we turn the corner. But this document charts the road to economic salvation straight through the circumference of the storm.”

Enda Kenny explains his bold vision for how Fine Gael can survive the financial crisis.

Enda Kenny explains his bold vision for how Fine Gael can survive the financial crisis.

“And make no mistake: these are terrible times for the people of Fine Gael, what with the threat of homes being possessed and young people being forced to emigrate as immigrants.”

“But we do have an answer!” stated Mr. Kenny with slow and deliberate emphasis on each word, as the spindoctors of Fine Gael had coached him beforehand. “We can weather this great earthquake by securing, for each and every member, a ministerial job.”

The policy document outlines the party’s plan to win the next election and thereby secure a large number of cabinet posts. Combined with junior ministerial posts and a comprehensive rotation system, the policy document foresees everyone getting a post within the government over the lifetime of the next Dáil.

The increases in salary, plus the ample ministerial pension, should allow everyone to secure their finances until the country is on its feet again.

Mr. Kenny said that somewhere, over the rainbow, was a shitheap we had to avoid.

Mr. Kenny said that somewhere, over the rainbow, was a shitheap we had to avoid.

“Even the cruellest winter is followed by the dawn,” said Mr. Kenny, attempting to imitate the soaring rhetoric of President Obama, whom he greatly hopes to hand shamrocks to on a future St. Patrick’s Day. “Though the ship is foundering, the sails still fly, and if we hang tough to the mast we might not go down with the stern.”

“As Galileo proved, what goes down must come up.”

Asked to discuss some of the precise details of the plan, and specifically how exactly this rotation system would work, Mr. Kenny became flustered and began employing his customary idiosyncratic diction at an ever more confusing rate.

“Ah, well, I think the plan is perfectly opaque on this point,” he said, leafing through its pages with the sinking expression of a child asked a hard question by a strict maths teacher. “But, you know, I’m not an abacus; I can’t keep all these calculations in my head like some kind of washing machine.”

Enda Kenny attempts to add up the number of ministerial posts available using his body as an abacus.

Enda Kenny attempts to add up the number of ministerial posts available using his body as an abacus.

“But I can give the people something firm they can grab onto tightly, something hard and powerful that I want everyone to keep deep inside them, something you can suck on like a baby’s pacifier whenever the going gets rough: my…” he paused and frowned in puzzlement at his spindoctors, who were frantically trying to communicate something to him.

“My commitment,” he ended hesitantly, unsure what was going on behind the scenes. “My promise to do what is right for the people of Fine Gael in order to see us all through this crisis.”

Asked if perhaps Richard Bruton were nearby to explain what was quite obviously his plan, Mr. Kenny said, “No, now two limes can’t share the same light, if you get my snowdrift and don’t take it with a pinch of salt, otherwise it may melt.”

Likely future coalition partner Eamon Gilmore, leader of the Labour Party, said that he approved of the plan in general, but felt that in order for it to work government would have to raise taxes and redistribute wealth to those who need it most.

“There’s no way we can all have ministerial jobs,” said Gilmore. “And no man will be left behind by Labour. We’ll have to raise taxes on these corporate fatcats who’ve gotten us into this mess, then use that money to create new ministries.”

“With a slew of new ministries, and their accompanying ministerial posts, I’m sure we can see off this recession.”

"I've got my plan to escape the recession - what's yours?"

"I've got my plan to escape the recession - what's yours?"

When asked about what Fine Gael had to offer those who weren’t in Fine Gael, Enda Kenny looked blank. “What does that have to do with me?” he asked, turning the question into a joke to try and defuse the tension.

“Look, you obviously have some strange idea of politics boiling away in your head like an empty kettle,” said Kenny, to the confusion of all. “And we all know that empty kettles make the most noise but are the first thing to desert a sinking ship instead of staying to bail it out, and with the EU bailout coming we need more than your crazy idea of politics to get us out of this mess.”

“The purpose of politics is to seize power. We know this in Fine Gael, and that’s how we’re getting out of this hole. How you get out of this hole is your own business.”

And with that Mr. Kenny smiled and waved for the gobsmacked photographers and left the room.

%d bloggers like this: