Tarantino Oscar Speech to Use ‘Nigger’ 108 Times

LA, California – Maverick filmmaker Quentin Tarantino, whose most recent movie Django Unchained has been nominated for five Academy Awards, said today that he was writing the greatest Oscar acceptance speech in history, one that will movingly honour the victims of slavery and calls for reconciliation and the final rehabilitation of the word ‘nigger’.

Tarantino is a passionate advocate of niggers, right to say 'nigger'.

Tarantino is a passionate advocate of niggers, right to say ‘nigger’.

“Niggers be hurtin’, man,” jabbered Tarantino in his characteristic ranting fashion. “My movie shows the nigger truth – people hurting niggers, niggers hurting niggers, niggers shooting back at nigger-haters. That’s all American history right there.”

“Niggers,” he added after realising that his last sentence might not have shocked anyone.

Django Unchained has been nominated for Best Picture and Best Original Screenplay, but many have criticised it for its frequent use of the ‘N_____’ word.

“I respect Quentin Tarantino as a vibrant and dynamic filmmaker,” said respected philosopher and critic Kwame Anthony Appiah. “And I understand the need for art to challenge conventions and expose society’s members to harsh truths. But I wonder if it was really necessary to use a word so charged with negative connotations of violence and oppression 108 times over the course of a three-hour movie.”

"I'm talking about ending racial hatred in this country, so you niggers better listen up."

“I’m talking about ending racial hatred in this country, so you niggers better listen up.”

Tarantino scoffed at Appiah’s concerns, however. “Three hours?! I’m planning to use the word ‘nigger’ 108 times in five minutes during my Best Picture acceptance speech, nigger! Compared to that, Django Unchained is a fucking political correctness conference run by lesbians and shit. Some nigger thinks I shouldn’t do it, well, he needs to face up to the reality of his niggerhood. People in America, they be using the word nigger. I’m an American and I say nigger. As an artist, I’ve got to be true to myself and my cultural heritage.”

“Niggers,” he added, again realising that his last sentence could be quoted out of context to make him seem considered and thoughtful.

Tarantino said his greatest challenge would be to trying to say everything he wanted to say within the strict time limits for acceptance speeches.

“Man, I am going to be talking fast up there, real fast, you know, just like ‘niggerniggerniggerniggerniggerniggerniggerniggerniggernigger’. I’m going to be like a fucking racist fire engine, man, I shit you not, if I’m going to make it to 108 before the music pisses all over my speech.”

“I hope Halle Berry gets to present the award, too, because then I can show everyone how much I love niggers at the same time,” hooted Tarantino, air-squeezing an imaginary set of breasts.

"That's right, present it to me just like that, you nigger bitch!" yelled Tarantino.

“That’s right, present it to me just like that, you nigger bitch!” yelled Tarantino.

As controversy raged, President Obama tried to calm the dispute by offering his characteristic absence of leadership. “Our great nation’s past was stained by the original sin of slavery. Quentin Tarantino is a great American artist dealing with that past, although I’m not sure he needs to use such inflammatory language. I guess it’s kind of a tough one.”

“Yup,” concluded the President thoughtfully.

Republicans were quick to fill the void left by the president. “I support freedom of speech,” declared House Leader John Boner. “No government regulation! Let the free market decide. Using nigger helped sell the movie and that’s all the validation it needs.

“Now that we know there’s a big market for it, I’m going to start using it myself,” continued Boner. “You know what’s wrong with America? Niggers! Particularly that nigger in the White House. We need to get all the niggers out, starting with him.”

Some filmgoers couldn’t see what all the controversy was about. When asked if he thought it offensive to label black people ‘niggers’, Scarlett O’Neck (43)of Alabama scratched her head in confusion and replied: “Well, what the heck would you call ‘em?”

The man at the centre of this controversy remains unrepentant, however. “Man, all this publicity, and I ain’t even made the speech yet! Ain’t no nigger got their finger on the pulse of America like old Quentin, baby.

“Maybe I should try and say nigger 109 times instead,” Tarantino mused.

NRA Announces “Guns for Kids” Scheme to Prevent School Shootings

Connecticut – In the wake of the tragic mass killing of twenty children and six women at an elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut, the National Rifle Association (NRA) has announced a new plan to prevent any more shootings at American schools by ensuring every American schoolchild exercises its right under the Second Amendment to bear arms.

Mars Krieglieber taking a stand against crazy lone gunmen.

Mars Krieglieber taking a stand against crazy lone gunmen.

A sorrowful Mars Krieglieber (42), the vice-president of the NRA, announced the new scheme at a ceremony to commemorate the victims. “The threats to our children from gun violence are increasing year on year,” warned Mr. Krieglieber. “Think of Columbine, Virginia Tech, and now Sandy Hook Elementary School. It is time we took bold and decisive action to make sure no more of our children are shot dead in our schools.”

“I call on Congress to make funds available to ensure every schoolchild in America has a gun and isn’t afraid to use it.”

The ‘Guns for Kids’ scheme will ensure that every child on its first day of school is given a pistol with a particularly sensitive trigger so they will have no difficulty squeezing it in the event of being attacked by a homicidal maniac.

The NRA says it has commissioned a study whose statistics prove this is the only sensible course of action. According to the report, a shocking 100% of child victims in school shootings are unarmed.

“See, that’s the only statistic that matters right there!” said Krieglieber passionately. “The problem isn’t that crazy people can buy guns. The problem is that our kids can’t shoot back.”

Noted Republican Jesus H. Christ supports 'Guns for Kids.'

Noted Republican Jesus H. Christ supports ‘Guns for Kids.’

“We need serious reform of America’s gun laws to remove destructive limitations on gun ownership. This tragedy has shown us that archaic laws and traditions from the 18th century saying five year-olds shouldn’t have firearms have no place in modern America.”

Reform of gun laws is a hot topic in the USA, which has a massively higher rate of violent homicide than any other advanced nation. Krieglieber, however, believes the problem lies not simply with gun laws but within the American education system.

“All these people who say that countries with stricter gun laws have fewer violent deaths just show what’s wrong with the education system in this country,” said Krieglieber impatiently. “If our kids could open fire at will then there wouldn’t be any violent deaths from school shootings so those numbers are all skewed to begin with.”

“This kind of faulty reasoning is what happens when you spend all your time teaching math instead of basic marksmanship.”

The executive director of Gun Owners of America, Larry Pratt, was quick to endorse the new scheme. Said Pratt:

Gun control supporters have the blood of little children on their hands… This tragedy underscores the urgency of getting rid of gun bans on school zones. The only thing accomplished by gun free zones is to ensure that mass murderers can slay more before they are finally confronted by someone with a gun.

Even moderate commentators suggested that the NRA’s plan was certainly worth thinking about. Jeffrey Goldberg of The Atlantic wrote:

People should have the ability to defend themselves. Mass shootings take many lives in part because no one is firing back at the shooters. The shooters in recent massacres have had many minutes to complete their evil work, while their victims cower under desks or in closets… law-abiding, well-trained, non-criminal, wholly sane citizens have a role to play in their own self-defence.

Goldberg said Israel was a role model for dealing with violence in a humane manner.

Goldberg said Israel was a role model for dealing with violence in a humane manner.

Goldberg admitted there were some flaws in his scheme. “Well, as shooters can buy fully automatic machine guns over the Internet using a credit card, our schoolchildren will need superior firepower. Ultimately the government will have to give them access to military grade weaponry to make sure they’re safe. I would recommend training children in the use of grenades and even flamethrowers to flush out shooters hiding in supply closets.”

House Republicans were quick to hail the new initiative, saying it could solve many of the country’s problems at one stroke.

“The ‘Guns for Kids’ scheme is exactly what this country needs,” declared Rep. Magnum Winchester (Texas). “Not only will it keep our kids safe, it will help reduce the federal deficit. We can pay for it simply by transferring all healthcare funding to the arms industry. This will create strong American jobs making guns for our kids while the resulting drop in violent shootings will mean we won’t need so many hospitals anyway.”

“On top of that, by incorporating arms industry spending into education, we can massively increase our education budget. It’s the right thing to do for our children’s future.”

Some Tea Party activists said the solution lay in going back to the original meaning of the Second Amendment. “The Constitution of the United States,” said Mary-Lou Wesson (41) proudly, “gives every American the right to bear arms or arm bears. I think it’s time for Option 2.”

“Ain’t no crazy person going to attack no kids when they is protected by a grizzly bear packing an Uzi,” she added. “Yeah.”

A poster from the Tea Party's 'arm bears' campaign.

A poster from the Tea Party’s ‘arm bears’ campaign.

A nation divided other whether or not to provide schools with military grade weaponry or armed grizzly security bears or perhaps some as yet unknown other solution looked with diminishing hope to President Obama for leadership.

Faced with demands for tough new legislation, Obama showed characteristic boldness in ignoring those demands and opting for soothing rhetoric. “We are going to have to come together and take meaningful action,” declared the president, meaninglessly.

Perhaps the final word on this tragic debate belongs to Peggy Holmes (9), one of the brave survivors of the Sandy Hook tragedy. “I don’t think there’s really any help,” she whispered confidentially, looking in alarm at a teddy bear cradling a rocket launcher given to her by a Tea Party activist. “The problem isn’t the guns or the arms or the bears or the kids.”

“It’s that half the adults in this country are total dingbats.”

World Poker Championship Chews Up, Spits Out ‘Hotshot’ Obama

Las Vegas – He came like a blazing comet, expected to blaze the same burning trail across the poker heavens as Tiger Woods did in golf.

However, this week superstar poker player Barack Obama failed to live up to the hype as his campaign to be the greatest sputtered and then fell limply into the drink, like a child’s rubber duckie flying from the bathtub and briefly seeming like it could fly forever before plunging into the toilet.

Fans thought Obama was poker's Chosen One, but he failed to live up to the hype.

Fans thought Obama was poker's Chosen One, but he failed to live up to the hype.

“He sure had some hype around him back in 2008,” said Al ‘Big Al’ Devine, with a look of hard-won experience that said it hadn’t impressed him then and sure wasn’t going to impress him now. “I mean, people were saying he wasn’t just going to win every single hand, but that he would revolutionise the game itself.”

“All the losers down to their last chips wish they could change the rules of the game, too,” said Devine, hitching up his solid-gold belt buckle and looking cockily over at a crestfallen Obama drowning his sorrows at the bar.

In 2008, Obama surged to the forefront of the national game by sensationally coming from nowhere to win the American presidency, prompting speculation that with his sharp intellect and coolness under pressure he could go on to be one of the greatest poker players ever.

“Those are all fine qualities for a poker player to have,” said Big Al, a multimillionaire gambler and three-time world poker champion. “But they ain’t worth spit without a pair of these – brass balls – and he ain’t got any.”

Al 'Big Al' Devine remains unimpressed by Obama's poker, presidency.

Al 'Big Al' Devine remains unimpressed by Obama's poker, presidency.

“Hell, his balls ain’t even made out o’ tin,” said Big Al loudly in Obama’s direction, causing the President of the United States to slink out of the room in shame.

Obama started the tournament with a set of extremely strong hands that gave him a powerful, dominant position at the table, much to the delight of poker fans everywhere. However, he then made the classic mistake of playing conservatively from a position of strength.

“Jesus, he had a house of aces in one hand and only raised by $4,000,” said Big Al in disgust. “That was almost as limp-dicked as his economic stimulus package. I mean, if the country’s economy has a $3 trillion hole in it, you got to go in by at least 50%. A measly $800 billion ain’t gonna cut it, certainly not in Vegas.”

“It didn’t even cut it with those pencil-necks in Washington.”

Obama drew further jeers of derision for his weak handling of an ace-king suited opening pair in a major hand he lost weakly due to timidity and fear. “I mean, when you have ace-king suited, then you have the bully pulpit,” said Big Al. “Before the flop, you gotta go in big and lay down a marker for your rivals and let ‘em know who the big daddy is.”

“Instead, he let those good ol’ boys just push him around with their bluffs, like when the Republicans held the middle-classes hostage over tax cuts for the super rich. I mean, anybody with a real pair of balls would have stood up to them and positioned himself as the defender of the working classes and middle classes, 99% of the goddamned population, against the other 1%. Instead, he just folded like a malnourished Mexican hit in the gut by Big Al.”

A beaten, dejected Obama hopes Republicans might be nicer than those Vegas card sharps.

A beaten, dejected Obama hopes Republicans might be nicer than those Vegas card sharps.

But the hand that made Obama a laughing stock among the international poker playing community was his humiliating fold against Israel’s Benny Yahunitin. “That just beat all,” said Big Al, shaking his head with a laugh of disbelief. “I mean, Benny’s hopelessly dependent on Obama giving him money and support to stay in the game, but Obama’s just too weak to push him when they go head-to-head. Then Benny just hangs in there with his pair of eights and Obama folds a straight flush.”

“That was almost as gay as the time he insisted Israel freeze settlement building as a pre-condition to peace talks, then climbed down in the same week he let the Republicans steam roll him on the tax cuts.”

Big Al didn’t think Obama was totally washed up, but was sceptical about his ability to turn it around.

“He’s got to look at someone like Tiger Woods as a role model,” said Big Al. “Woods has focus, you know? In every aspect of his life, he’s about one thing – getting it in the hole. You got to have that single-minded devotion if you’re going to be the best.”

“But there ain’t no question about whether Tiger’s got balls,” added Big Al. “He’s got plenty of ‘em. I doubt Obama will even be able to grow a pair of tin ones by the next election.”

Jilted Nobel Committee Asks Obama to Return Peace Prize

Oslo – All great love stories end in heartbreak, and so it proved again last night in a snow-covered Oslo, bathed in the wistfully romantic glow of the Northern Lights.

With a heavy heart, but claiming the need to “be realistic about where this was going,” The Norwegian Nobel Committee has asked US President Barack Obama to return the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize.

Thorbjorn Jagland remembers the good times with Barack Obama.

Thorbjorn Jagland remembers the good times with Barack Obama.

Obama was a surprise choice for the award, given that he had no actual achievements to his name in 2009, but the Nobel Committee gave him the award because “very rarely has a person to the same extent as Obama captured the world’s attention and given its people hope for a better future.”

Thorbjorn Jagland, chairman of the Peace Prize Committee, said with barely suppressed distress, “I know now that it was a hopelessly romantic ideal. There was no way it could ever actually have worked; the world isn’t ready for such love…” Then his lower lip quivered and he choked back a sob.

“You were so amazing back then,” he continued with a pained smile. “I still remember when you first walked onto the international stage, the way you seemed so confident and articulate and intelligent and charming – we just thought anything was possible.”

“And, of course, we had a real thing for black men, and were kind of curious because we’d never had one before.”

“But we have to be realistic about this, Barack,” he continued, blinking back tears. “It was a foolish dream, and the foolish dreams of millions of people don’t amount to more than a hill of beans in this crazy world.”

“We’ll always have Oslo,” he said weakly, brushing a tear from his cheek.

Jagland publicly declares his love by giving a somewhat uncomfortable Obama the Nobel Peace Prize.

Jagland publicly declares his love by giving a somewhat uncomfortable Obama the Nobel Peace Prize.

While the relationship began brightly, reality came crashing down when it became apparent that Obama’s much talked about ‘stimulus’ was too small to excite the global economy. Then he had all sorts of medical problems involving insurance that took years to sort out, even as the situation across the world got steadily worse, with Israel and Palestine further from peace than ever, North Korea and Iran becoming increasingly belligerent, climate change talks hopelessly stalled and the Eurozone lurching from crisis to crisis.

“He just wasn’t the man I thought I knew before I knew him,” said Mr. Jagland sadly.

Sources close to the relationship say it began to sour when Obama insisted he needed to spend more time on his career.

“I mean, I knew from the start he was a politician,” said Mr. Jagland, trying not to look resentful. “I knew that as President he would have to make hard choices between competing claims for justice, and obviously he couldn’t satisfy everyone.”

“But I thought our relationship was special. I thought it meant something to him,” Mr. Jagland said before breaking down in tears.

Pulling a face of sheer hatred, Mr. Jagland snarled, “I blame it on his wife. She manipulates him so badly.”

“Now we just want the Peace Prize back so we can give it someone more deserving,” he shrieked.

When Mr. Obama finally made himself available by telephone for comment he asked, “Who? What prize?”

“Oh, the Peace Prize!” he said with the air of someone desperately trying to recall a first name. “Sure, I haven’t forgotten you, sweetheart, I’ve just been real busy lately, you know crazy it is here at work.”

“I mean, the economy’s just going to hell and the Korean situation is starting to look really worrying.”

Obama counts to 10 and begs the Lord to give him strength.

Obama counts to 10 and begs the Lord to give him strength.

“And then there’s the goddamned Irish!” Obama blurted out in frustration. “I mean, you wouldn’t believe the headaches they’re causing everyone right now. Jeez…”

Mr. Jagland started screaming incoherently about “promises whispered in moonlit gardens fragrant with cherry blossoms” down the phone at Mr. Obama, much to everyone’s discomfort.

“Look,” said Obama firmly. “I don’t know what you think I said, but I never gave you any reason to believe… now just hold on, don’t get hysterical… well you do sound a little bit overwrought… I never asked you to give me your Peace Prize… Look, I’ll call you when you’ve calmed down a bit, OK? Jeez…”

Mr. Obama hung up the phone and rolled his eyes. “These Europeans are more trouble than they’re worth,” he said, vowing never again to seduce any people who couldn’t behave like adults.

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