Tarantino Oscar Speech to Use ‘Nigger’ 108 Times

LA, California – Maverick filmmaker Quentin Tarantino, whose most recent movie Django Unchained has been nominated for five Academy Awards, said today that he was writing the greatest Oscar acceptance speech in history, one that will movingly honour the victims of slavery and calls for reconciliation and the final rehabilitation of the word ‘nigger’.

Tarantino is a passionate advocate of niggers, right to say 'nigger'.

Tarantino is a passionate advocate of niggers, right to say ‘nigger’.

“Niggers be hurtin’, man,” jabbered Tarantino in his characteristic ranting fashion. “My movie shows the nigger truth – people hurting niggers, niggers hurting niggers, niggers shooting back at nigger-haters. That’s all American history right there.”

“Niggers,” he added after realising that his last sentence might not have shocked anyone.

Django Unchained has been nominated for Best Picture and Best Original Screenplay, but many have criticised it for its frequent use of the ‘N_____’ word.

“I respect Quentin Tarantino as a vibrant and dynamic filmmaker,” said respected philosopher and critic Kwame Anthony Appiah. “And I understand the need for art to challenge conventions and expose society’s members to harsh truths. But I wonder if it was really necessary to use a word so charged with negative connotations of violence and oppression 108 times over the course of a three-hour movie.”

"I'm talking about ending racial hatred in this country, so you niggers better listen up."

“I’m talking about ending racial hatred in this country, so you niggers better listen up.”

Tarantino scoffed at Appiah’s concerns, however. “Three hours?! I’m planning to use the word ‘nigger’ 108 times in five minutes during my Best Picture acceptance speech, nigger! Compared to that, Django Unchained is a fucking political correctness conference run by lesbians and shit. Some nigger thinks I shouldn’t do it, well, he needs to face up to the reality of his niggerhood. People in America, they be using the word nigger. I’m an American and I say nigger. As an artist, I’ve got to be true to myself and my cultural heritage.”

“Niggers,” he added, again realising that his last sentence could be quoted out of context to make him seem considered and thoughtful.

Tarantino said his greatest challenge would be to trying to say everything he wanted to say within the strict time limits for acceptance speeches.

“Man, I am going to be talking fast up there, real fast, you know, just like ‘niggerniggerniggerniggerniggerniggerniggerniggerniggernigger’. I’m going to be like a fucking racist fire engine, man, I shit you not, if I’m going to make it to 108 before the music pisses all over my speech.”

“I hope Halle Berry gets to present the award, too, because then I can show everyone how much I love niggers at the same time,” hooted Tarantino, air-squeezing an imaginary set of breasts.

"That's right, present it to me just like that, you nigger bitch!" yelled Tarantino.

“That’s right, present it to me just like that, you nigger bitch!” yelled Tarantino.

As controversy raged, President Obama tried to calm the dispute by offering his characteristic absence of leadership. “Our great nation’s past was stained by the original sin of slavery. Quentin Tarantino is a great American artist dealing with that past, although I’m not sure he needs to use such inflammatory language. I guess it’s kind of a tough one.”

“Yup,” concluded the President thoughtfully.

Republicans were quick to fill the void left by the president. “I support freedom of speech,” declared House Leader John Boner. “No government regulation! Let the free market decide. Using nigger helped sell the movie and that’s all the validation it needs.

“Now that we know there’s a big market for it, I’m going to start using it myself,” continued Boner. “You know what’s wrong with America? Niggers! Particularly that nigger in the White House. We need to get all the niggers out, starting with him.”

Some filmgoers couldn’t see what all the controversy was about. When asked if he thought it offensive to label black people ‘niggers’, Scarlett O’Neck (43)of Alabama scratched her head in confusion and replied: “Well, what the heck would you call ‘em?”

The man at the centre of this controversy remains unrepentant, however. “Man, all this publicity, and I ain’t even made the speech yet! Ain’t no nigger got their finger on the pulse of America like old Quentin, baby.

“Maybe I should try and say nigger 109 times instead,” Tarantino mused.

Christian Bale Seriously Fucking Pissed Off That Melissa Leo Used ‘F-Word’ in Oscar Speech

Los Angeles – Hollywood was shocked today as new footage emerged from the Oscars that shows Christian Bale angrily reacting on stage to Melissa Leo, winner of the Best Supporting Actress Oscar, for her seriously fucking unprofessional use of the ‘F-word’ in her acceptance speech.

Leo (50) shocked the tender ears of American audiences by saying, “When I watched Kate Winslet two years ago, it looked so fucking easy!” thereby dropping what reporters later called ‘the F-bomb.’

However, new footage that was prevented from being broadcast live by an extensive commercial break has revealed how deeply upset Christian Bale, her co-star in The Fighter, was with the ignorant bitch’s rudeness to her fucking colleagues.

“I want you off the fucking stage, you prick!” interrupted a shocked Bale with a scream at the petrified actress. “No, don’t just be sorry, think for just one fucking second. What the fuck are you doing? Do you think it’s acceptable to just stand up here and swear at these people?”

The furious Bale then punched a couple of dickheaded security men so he could continue remonstrating with Ms. Leo.

“I really don’t mean to offend, and [it was] probably a very inappropriate place to use that particular word,” stammered Leo, shaking. “There’s a great deal of the English language that is in my vernacular.”

"Do you really want me to rip it off?" shrieked Bale, causing many women to faint.

"Do you really want me to rip it off?" shrieked Bale, causing many women to faint.

Bale was in no mood for such feeble excuses, however. “Am I going to walk around and rip down your fucking dress on stage so America can see the sagging tits in your vernacular?” he snarled sarcastically.

“If you don’t want to offend anyone with those inappropriate things, then just keep your fucking dress up. Don’t make me fucking rip it off! Watch your fucking mouth. Don’t just go waltzing around the stage going oh-dee-do-dee-fucking-da while we’re trying to be professional.”

“Fuck,” said Bale, trying to calm himself down in order to go on with the show. “You are so fucking amateur.”

Bale has long been a noted champion of polite manners and courtesy to others. In July 2008, he famously took issue with a fuckwit who disturbed a film set by walking behind the camera while a scene was being filmed. That same month, a discussion over appropriate behaviour led to Bale being arrested for assaulting those well-known bitches – his mother and sister – at Dorchester Hotel.

At the Oscars, the Dark Knight of etiquette continued his crusade against social impropriety.

“Can somebody do something about this bitch?” said Bale, jerking a thumb at the tearful Leo. “She just doesn’t give a FUCK about what’s going on in front of the camera. We’re trying to present a fucking show, live to a fucking global audience, and I can’t concentrate on what I’ve got to do if you keep saying ‘fuck’ to that audience.”

Bale's dismissive thumb gesture is rightly feared in Hollywood.

Bale's dismissive thumb gesture is rightly feared in Hollywood.

“Just stay off the fucking stage,” he said in disgust. “For fuck’s sake. Right, let’s keep going.”

“No, let’s not take a fucking minute, let’s go again!” yelled Bale at the stage manager, who was trying to bring some semblance of calm to proceedings. “You just don’t understand what it’s like fucking working with actors. I’m going to fucking kick your ass if you don’t shut up!”

The live feed then returned, and Bale turned urbanely to the camera to give his acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actor.

While many were shocked by the evening’s events, legendary star Jack Nicholson said it was about fucking time Hollywood stopped presenting sanitised versions of the world and showed it how it is.

“This is as bullshit as the Janet Jackson Superbowl incident,” drawled Nicholson in disgust. “People use the word ‘fuck’; Janet Jackson has tits. I mean, is this information you didn’t already fucking know?”

“Next thing you’ll be taking pictures of the huge dump I just left in the john,” he added, before groaning as the papparazzi made a rush for the toilet.

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