Merkel Rejects Cyprus President’s Request for Cuddle

Nicosia, Cyprus – As Cyprus enters increasingly desperate straits under the quadruple pressure of bust banks, excessive government expenditure, an inability to borrow on international markets, and a housing crash, German Chancellor Angela Merkel repeated today that though she sympathised with the people of Cyprus, she would continue to refuse Cypriot President Nicos Anastasiades’ increasingly urgent requests for a cuddle.

Anastasiades is desperate for a hug, but Merkel continues to refuse.

Anastasiades is desperate for a hug, but Merkel continues to refuse.

Said Chancellor Merkel: “We are currently engaged in constructive dialogue with the Cypriot government and our EU partners to find a resolution to this situation that will restore a sense of common purpose to the European project and remind us once again that we are all in this together.

“However, that does not include giving Mr. Anastasiades’ a cuddle to reassure him that Mutti Merkel still loves him,” added die Kanzlerin sternly. “He made this mess, so he has to clean it up first.”

Mr. Anastasiades has been increasingly vocal in recent weeks that, given the dire state of Cyprus’ economy, he really, really, needs a hug. “Jesus, I said I was sorry already,” mumbled Mr. Anastasiades, dragging deeply on a cigarette. He paused to take a quick swig from a hip flask. “I won’t do it again! But she says I’m a grown-up now so I have to pay my own debts.”

“She can be such a bitch sometimes,” he added gloomily.

Mr. Anastasiades said he wasn't sure how much longer he or Cyprus could go on unless Merkel gave him a cuddle soon.

Mr. Anastasiades said he wasn’t sure how much longer he or Cyprus could go on unless Merkel gave him a cuddle soon.

The strident debate goes to the heart of the crisis afflicting the Eurozone. Germany, as the largest economy in Europe, is effectively responsible for supporting other nations in times of economic downturn in order for the Eurozone to recover and prosper. Knowing this, certain nations threw a huge party and trashed the house in a coke-fuelled bender of epic proportions. A furious Merkel is refusing to pay for the damage unless the guilty parties forfeit their pocket money for the next five years.

“This irresponsible behaviour cannot be tolerated,” declared Merkel. “If I just hug the president of Cyprus now and tell him everything is OK, next week I’ll come home to find him in crotchless spandex pants getting a lap dance from sixteen hairy Greek prostitutes, all paid for with my credit card. A line must be drawn.”

Cyprus, however, came out fighting. “If she hadn’t left the keys to the drinks cabinet, none of this would have happened!” insisted Mr. Anastasiades indignantly. “So, really, it’s her fault! She knows what I’m like and she can’t just make it that easy for me to access the vault.

“Also, I could totally go for sixteen hairy Greek lap dancers right now,” he added wistfully.

"Yeah, that's what I'm talking about," growled Mr. Anastasiades breathily.

“Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about,” growled Mr. Anastasiades breathily.

Opinion on the “Hug for Cyprus” has sharply divided Europe into those who favour an austere parental approach and those who believe in forgiveness, love, and free money.

“Nein!” said Augustus von Scheisskopf (35) when asked for his opinion on the streets of Frankfurt. “She’s our Mutti! It’s her job to look after us, not you.” He chomped stoutly on a chocolate bar, his jowls wobbling. “Mutti doesn’t love you,” he sneered before waddling away to beat some Turkish immigrants with his riding crop.

Cypriots, however, had radically different views. “Germans are hug Nazis,” said Kostas Fecklessaris (21) fervently. “You ask a German for a hug, and a billion euro, and all you get is a no. Tightwad cold fish Nazis.”

Leaders of fellow troubled nations like Spain and Portugal agreed with Mr. Anastasiades that Merkel needed to be more Latin and less Teutonic with her hugging. Greek PM Antonis Samaras said he agreed in spirit, but wasn’t talking to Mr. Anastasiades after his slanderous assertion that Greek women were hairy.

Perhaps the most sobering comments came from Irish Taoiseach Enda Kenny, however. “Oh, we’ve been nothing but good boys since the whole house party,” said Mr. Kenny. “We give her all our pocket money and she hugs us all the time. All the time…” he repeated with a thousand-yard stare. “It’s been years now since we’ve had our heads out of that ample German bosom. She’s got our Irish heads squashed between her giant Teutonic tits and now we can’t breathe!” Mr. Kenny gasped for air and dashed out of the room.

Merkel Privately Beginning to Wish Germany Had Won World War II

Berlin – As she surveys the wreckage of the Eurozone, with Ireland collapsing in a heap of incompetence and corruption, Greece already on life support, and Portugal and Spain following close behind, German Chancellor Angela Merkel is privately beginning to wish Germany had won World War II.

According to aides close to the Chancellor, Merkel has increasingly been given in private to lament the folly that left Europe’s smaller, more irresponsible countries with their independence.

Now a video has appeared on the internet showing Merkel airing her private grievances after another EU meeting to discuss the Irish bailout.

“If only that Arschloch Hitler had let the generals cut the English off from Dunkirk, or he hadn’t attacked the Soviets, things might all have been much different today,” she sighed, pushing aside another stack of documents from the Irish government asking for a few hundred billion.

Merkel is privately beginning to wish Germany had won World War II.

Merkel is privately beginning to wish Germany had won World War II.

“Don’t get me wrong,” she added quickly. “Nobody wants to be ruled by the Nazis. Their five-year economic plans were almost as reckless as Anglo Irish Bank’s, except they had the might of the Wehrmacht and Anglo only had Sean Fitzpatrick’s book fiddling. But they both ended up destroying their countries just the same.

“Still,” she said wistfully, her face drawn and haggard from a long day of listening to Brian Lenihan try and rationalise Ireland’s reckless gambling, “Europe would be in a lot better shape if it were ruled by the Germans.”

Pouring herself a clear glass of schnapps, Chancellor Merkel sat down in a comfortable armchair and said, “Hitler should at least have invaded Ireland, or persuaded the British to conquer it again. That was the real mistake of the war – letting that little Scheißkaff survive as a country.”

“The things I would do to that place if I were Chancellor,” she said, staring intently into her glass of schnapps before downing it in one gulp.

German efficiency would make nonsense of Dublin's lack of parking spaces.

German efficiency would make nonsense of Dublin's lack of parking spaces.

According to sources close to the Chancellor, Merkel has said this numerous times in recent weeks as she watches Ireland accelerate towards the cliff. In her darker moments, she has ominously threatened to bring clear, transparent, sensible government to a nation that would probably die of shock if it actually experienced such treatment.

“I mean, really, Ireland was doing pretty well. It had some sound strategic advantages: it was a European country that spoke English, had a highly educated workforce, low corporate tax rates, and an image as an attractive culture. The ideal site for major American corporations to set up headquarters – how could anyone really screw that up?”

“But, nein, the Irish have to go nuts and start charging €400,000 for a small studio apartment off Nassau Street. Or treating financial regulation like it was law about cleaning up your pet’s dogshit, or writing the strategy for urban planning development on the back of a few brown paper envelopes.”

“And why zum Teufel would the Irish Taoiseach get paid more than I or the US President?” she screeched. “Did none of those pixieheads think that was a little bit much?”

“Ach,” she snorted in disgust as she downed another schnapps. “Don’t talk to me about that Scheißkopf Biffo.”

Downing her fourth schnapps, Merkel suddenly poured the rest of the bottle over the Irish bailout request and set fire to it.

Scheißkopf

Scheißkopf

“Why did you agree to the bank bailout in the first place?”” screamed Merkel, fuming, as the flames leaped higher before her eyes. “Even then, you could have terminated the bank guarantee by arguing that the banks had withheld material information about their solvency, in clear violation of the law!” Merkel then went into an insane frenzy, frothing at the mouth in a way that was eerily reminiscent of a previous German leader while her petrified aides watched motionlessly.

“The worst of it is that any minute now we’re going to have the Portuguese and the Spanish bashing down the door looking for more of the same. And the Italians will get in on the act, too – you know how these southern Europeans are when they scent money.”

Glancing at the hotline telephone to the army chief of staff, Merkel wiped her mouth and with an effort of will turned away to the window. “No, Angie, don’t,” she muttered to herself, clutching the empty schnapps bottle.

“Surely not even the Irish can carry on being this stupid, can they?”

She glanced over at the map of a free independent Europe with Ireland hanging over it like a vampire bat, and scowled.

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