Sinn Féin Announces Economic Recovery Plan: “Import Protestants.”

Dublin – Speaking today at a press conference in Dublin, Sinn Féin leader Gerry Adams outlined a bold new economic recovery plan that will restore Ireland’s stricken economy by encouraging the mass migration of Protestants.

Gerry Adams outlined a new Protestant vision for Ireland in his speech.

Said Adams: “It’s clear to me and to many other Irish people that the roots of the current crisis lie not in global financial markets but in poor decisions made by corrupt elites in our failed political system.”

“And our failed political system is a product of our traditional Catholic culture, which encourages deference to authority, tight trousers for altar boys, and a self-righteous attitude to materialism.”

“That’s why the only route back for Ireland is to move beyond Catholicism by massively importing Protestants to take charge of the country’s political, economic, religious, and social institutions.”

Adams called the press conference in response to criticisms that he was completely “ignorant of economics,” after he mistakenly called Ireland’s largest bank Allied Irish Bank “IIB” and said Sinn Féin’s economic policy was to reject the vital €85 billion EU/IMF bailout and organise the national economy around the production of blackberry jam using hamster-powered electric motors.

Determined to illustrate that he knew a great deal about economics, Adams spent much of the press conference waving a dog-eared copy of Max Weber’s The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism.

“It’s all explained in this book,” said Adams, with the zeal of a recently converted disciple. “Protestant societies are built around a coherent work ethic that values life-long efforts to build home and community while Catholic societies are full of shiftless, corrupt individuals hoping a quick Hail Mary will excuse their laziness and relentless fornication.”

The joy of the Protestant work ethic was captured in Grant Wood's 'American Gothic'.

“Just look at the EU countries suffering serious financial crises: three Catholic countries – Ireland, Spain, and Portugal – and one Orthodox, Greece. Protestant countries like Germany and Australia just sailed through thanks to their strong Calvinist teachings.”

Adams then explained that we could see the consequences of national religious spirit right here on our own little isle.

“Just look at the difference between the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland!” exclaimed Adams. “Do you see Northern Ireland going cap in hand to the IMF? No you do not! That’s because of our strong Protestant work ethic.”

“Nor do we have the same level of corruption!” continued Adams fiercely. “I tell you, Ian Paisley may have been a bigoted fascist demagogue, but he was no Bertie Ahern.”

“He was as honest and straightforward with the public finances as he was with his religious intolerance.”

“Nor have Northern voters ever been tempted by that slavering whore for power – Fianna Fáil,” said Adams. “Any good Protestant could see through that shower of Papist gombeen men a mile away, whereas the Catholics in the Republic were too busy having unprotected sex.”

Adams said the Plantation of Ulster was the only successful attempt at reform in Irish history.

Sinn Féin hopes to attract millions of Protestant immigrants by seizing land from wasteful Catholics and giving it freely to productive new Calvinists.

The dispossessed Catholics will be encouraged to move to Connacht, where they may enjoy a rich nettle-based vegetable diet amid the barren lands of the stony west.

“What we’re calling for is a New Plantation,” said Adams with visionary enthusiasm. “Really, the only people to try and bring common sense and rational government to this country were great leaders like Queen Elizabeth I and Oliver Cromwell. They knew the secret – get rid of Irish Catholics and replace them with genuinely useful human beings.”

Public response to the proposal was largely positive, on the grounds that at least it was a strategy for dealing with the crisis, which is more than any of the other parties have offered.