Lance Armstrong Admits Winning Tour de France on Small Motorbike

LA, California – America and the world of cycling were in shock today as Lance Armstrong, the controversial cycling superstar, finally admitted that he had won his record seven Tour de France titles with the illegal aid of a small motorbike.

Lance Armstrong confesses under the hypnotic spell of Oprah's boobs.

Lance Armstrong confesses under the hypnotic spell of Oprah’s boobs.

Speaking on the Oprah Winfrey show, Armstrong said: “I think it’s wrong to benefit from unearned success. I shouldn’t be allowed to profit from endorsing products, when I don’t deserve my celebrity. I know this will come as a shock to everyone who’s supported me down through the years, to my family, to my friends, to my bike mechanic. But I’m afraid the rumours are true.” A single tear rolled down Armstrong’s rugged cheek. “I did win the Tour de France using a performance enhancing motorbike.”

“Actually, it was a Kawasaki Vulcan 2000,” said Armstrong, with a quick nod towards his sponsor. “A bike that can take you to the top of the world!”

Lance Armstrong became a national hero in America when he recovered from brain, lung, and testicular cancer to win the Tour de France seven times. However, his career has been plagued by accusations of drug cheating. Armstrong, though, flatly denied that this was the case.

“How on earth are drugs supposed to help anyone win the Tour de France?” asked Armstrong in exasperation. “Do you see anyone in the Tour de France who ain’t on drugs? I even put steroids in my gas tank, just to give me my bike a little more oomph.”

"And that was the guy who came last!"

“And that was the guy who came last!”

“The steroids of champions, by the way, ain’t made in France. They’re made right here in America by Roid Sally Roid, Inc. of Houston, Texas,” added Armstrong, with a wink at the camera. “Just sayin’ to all you future Olympians, is all.”

Armstrong revealed that he first began to use a motorbike after his return to cycling from cancer treatment. “At first, it was just a small engine designed to look like a water bottle, you know? It could give me a little boost when I needed it.

“But then, when no one said anything, I started getting more reckless. I mean, everyone could see what I was doing, but who’s going to say anything to a cancer patient? Soon, I was thinking about just riding my Harley from start to finish.

“Harley Davidson,” repeated Armstrong in a tough, masculine voice. “The motorbike that made America, and helped an American in yellow shit on France.”

Armstrong admitted that he had had a number of anxious moments when it seemed like his secret was going to be revealed. “Yup, I came home one day and my wife threw a plate at my head and called me a cheating, lying bastard,” said Armstrong.

“Fortunately, she was just talking about my affair with Sheryl Crow.”

Asked by Oprah if he felt any regret about leaving his wife for the singer, Armstrong said: “Hell no! If It Makes You Happy, it can’t be that bad. And Sheryl’s willing to do All I Wanna Do, and I ain’t talking ‘bout her hit record!”

Crow said all Armstrong wanted to do was look at his seven framed yellow jersies all day.

Crow said all Armstrong wanted to do was look at his seven framed yellow jersies all day.

“Oh, yeah,” chuckled Armstrong knowingly. “You heard me, France.”

Despite the secrecy, however, a few journalists began to suspect that something was wrong when Armstrong consistently won the Tour de France.

“Yeah, see that’s the real problem right there,” said Armstrong. “I wasn’t caught because I cheated; I was caught because everyone else cheated and I still beat them. Then people started asking how I did it. There was only one answer.

“Nike,” said Armstrong, looking meaningfully at the camera. “The sneaker of champions.”

Some fans refused to accept Armstrong’s heartfelt apology and discount offers on all Armstrong-endorsed products for the first 100 callers.

“I can’t forgive that man,” said Ellen Grant (32). “His confession just ruined my favourite film – Dodgeball. Now that scene where he persuades Vince Vaughn to return for the final just makes no sense.

“It’s a good thing Chuck Norris is still a pillar of integrity, otherwise the whole movie would be ruined.”

Chuck Norris - the last man standing for American values.

Chuck Norris – the last man standing for American values.

Others, however, said that Armstrong had more than proven himself in their eyes.

“He’s right, goddammit!” bellowed Hank Bowles (44), an executive with a sportswear company. “Nike is the sneaker of champions! Lance Armstrong, you’re all right!”

At the end of an emotional interview, Armstrong cried on Oprah’s shoulder and then received a standing ovation. “God bless America!” shouted Armstrong, visibly moved. “And fuck France!”

The nation cheered and then hurriedly dialled the hotline numbers running at the bottom of the screen for Lance Armstrong-endorsed products.

Obama Admits Taking Performance Enhancing Drugs in 2008

Washington – With polls showing the American presidential election is currently a dead heat despite President Obama holding an 8-point lead in September, many Americans have been questioning how the uncertain and stumbling Obama was able to produce such a flawless election campaign in 2008.

Now, after weeks of rumours and allegations inside the Beltway, President Obama has finally come clean and admitted that he did, in order to win the 2008 election, take performance enhancing drugs.

After announcement, Obama instantly regrets not taking Lance Armstrong’s advice.

Said Obama: “I wish to apologise to all those who believed in me, my wife, my family, the Nobel Peace Prize Committee. I so wanted to be the man everyone believed me to be. But when I looked at plain old Barry Obama in the mirror, I just knew the truth – no, I couldn’t.”

“At least not without some artificial stimulus,” he added, to the joy of Republican spindoctors.

Obama swept to the presidency in 2008 with consistent displays of superb oratory that inspired a generation. However, since then his public performances have been erratic, causing many to wonder if there was something suspect about his earlier triumphs.

“Yeah, I knew it was too good to be true,” sighed Elaine Schuppter (43), a registered nurse in Brooklyn’s troubled Brownsville neighbourhood. “This is the greatest democracy in the world! How on earth is a black man ever supposed to be president? There’s no way someone can overcome the handicap of being black to become the Leader of the Free World.”

“Leastways not unless he’s got some serious voodoo.”

A drug-enhanced Obama inspired America in 2008, creating unrealistic expectations of what humans can do.

While some Americans suspected all along that Obama was taking performance enhancing drugs, the rumours began to spread this summer as disaffected members of Obama’s team leaked information to the press. First, his personal physician told of Obama’s involvement with the shady Dr. Michele Ferrari, then his masseuse revealed that Obama had asked her to use make-up to hide needle puncture marks.

Then earlier this month a caretaker at Atlanta’s South View Cemetery revealed that in 2007 he had seen Obama digging at Martin Luther King’s grave at midnight in the company of an infamous New Orleans witchdoctor.

As evidence mounted, Obama was forced to come clean. “My fellow Americans, let me say this: I did not have sexual relations with the corpse of Martin Luther King.” The president paused while his aides unsuccessfully attempted to get a supportive round of applause. “However, some of the other rumours may have foundations that are much less uncertain.”

“Specifically, in order to heal this nation and wipe the stain of the original sin of slavery from the great tapestry of American life, I did, in order to fulfil the hopes and the trust a generation had placed in me, inject bull testosterone and the crushed larynx of Martin Luther King into my anus.”

As he looked out at the sea of shocked faces, Obama remarked: “Man, I could do with some of that good shit right now.”

Obama wishes he had kept some of that good shit for the re-election campaign.

The president explained that remark by saying they’d used up the whole larynx by November of 2008 and since then he has resorted to using the desiccated testicles of Jimmy Carter, with diminishing effect.

As the news sank in, many Americans declared that they were outraged. “I’m outraged!” said Mel Vinocur (34), an assistant district attorney from Kentucky. “I used to look up to Mr. Obama as one of the great orators of our time. Now I find out that he was just shoving the supercharged voodoo voicebox of Martin Luther King up his butt? It’s outrageous!”

“But that Jimmy Carter thing does explain a lot,” he conceded.

A handful of loyal supporters rallied outside the White House in support of Obama. “I don’t care what you did,” sobbed Becky Noob (22), a graphic design student. “It was never about the bull testosterone or whose balls you were shoving up your ass. It was all about you! We can still reimagine America.”

Her voice faltered and a single tear rolled down her cheek and stained her well-worn pop art T-shirt of Barack Obama. “Yes, we can,” she whimpered before blowing her nose in the American flag, to the joy of Republican spindoctors.

Despite the damage done to Obama’s image, pollsters say the race remains a dead heat as voters are equally concerned about Romney’s magic Mormon underwear.

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