Apocalypse Industry Predicts Continuing Growth in 2013

Bugarch, France – After a bumper 2012, in which fears of an apocalypse were caused by a minor defect in the ancient Mayan calendar, the apocalypse industry announced at its annual convention today in the town of Bugarach, France, that it foresaw a bright future for 2013, followed by death.

Dame Nostra Ussi delivers her keynote address to the apocalypse industry.

Dame Nostra Ussi delivers her keynote address to the apocalypse industry.

Industry spokesperson Dame Nostra Ussi (42) said: “There are all kinds of economic doomsayers predicting that we will never have another year like 2012, but I believe the apocalypse industry has a rosy future ahead of it.”

“And I’m not just talking about the massive solar flare that will wipe out all life on this planet,” she quipped to general amusement.

Predicting the apocalypse has traditionally been a niche area of the global economy and is largely associated in the popular imagination with bearded cult leaders like Charles Manson, David Koresh, Karl Marx and Jesus Christ. In recent years, however, its reputation has been damaged by the intrusion of science.

“That Y2K nonsense single-handedly put back the industry by at least a dozen years,” declared Dame Ussi in ringing tones. “These scientists have brought our product into disrepute with their pathetic, irrational fears. Honestly, how people fell for that bullshit is beyond me.

“We’re lucky the Mayan apocalypse came along when it did.”

A Taiwanese apocalyptic cult about to be very disappointed.

A Taiwanese apocalyptic cult about to be very disappointed.

The long-awaited day of the Mayan ‘Fifth Sun’, predicted for 21/12/2012, sparked a renaissance of interest in the end of the world and prompted both Australian PM Julia Gillard and NASA to release public videos addressing the end of the world, although as a representative of the scientific community NASA obviously had no credibility.

“In the past few years we have sold documentaries, movies, books, music, and innumerable articles on the end of the world,” said Ussi. “We even propagated an internet hoax saying that Gangnam Style guy was one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Sales of New Age crystals have quintupled; tarot card sales are through the roof; there’s a shortage of trained homeopathists.

“Jesus, some people were so worried they even went to live in Australia, although I don’t think any responsible industry should promote such reckless disregard for its customers.

“There are worse things than the end of the world, after all.”

Ussi said the apocalypse industry had found its feet again by focusing on its core principles. “Natural disasters with vaguely religious overtones of judgment – that’s our meal ticket, people. Plague, zombies, mega-earthquakes, giant meteors, possibly Obamacare depending on your audience. The threat has to be large and vague enough to somehow be caused by either gay marriage or Wall Street.

Roomba Robots have failed to excite the imagination of apocalyptic cults anywhere.

Roomba Robots have failed to excite the imagination of apocalyptic cults anywhere.

“And don’t let the scientists distract you with talk of robots!” she thundered. “That’s just a dead end. The only robot anyone’s actually seen is a Roomba, and what’s that supposed to do, vacuum the world to death?

Science,” she sneered.

Ussi said that the apocalypse industry could replicate the success of 2012 by focusing on Asian bird flu and possibly the return of SARS. “Global warming is just too slow. We need to concentrate on the danger posed by fast-acting airborne diseases which, admittedly, have a less than 10% fatality rate but might through the sexual and financial deviancy of married gay stockbrokers become as lethal as Ebola.

“If we do that, then I believe we can post three quarters of solid growth in 2013 before the mass extinction of the human race makes a significant dent in our fourth quarter prospects.”

Ussi also announced an ambitious plan to lobby for government funding due to the mental health benefits of the apocalypse. “Obviously, there are a lot of unhappy people out there,” said Ussi. “And one of the things that makes them unhappy is the happiness of others. That’s the appeal of the end of the world – not only will your misery end, but you won’t have to die knowing the rest of the world doesn’t give a shit. When the plague hits, everyone’s going to give the diarrhoea of shits.

Apocalypticists promoting the peaceful, non-violent end of the human race.

Apocalypticists promoting the peaceful, non-violent end of the human race.

“However, certain enthusiasts have recently been taking matters into their own hands,” said Ussi disapprovingly. “And what can the scientists do about that? Nothing! That’s because psychology and sociology are complete bullshit. What you need is a publicly funded institution for the end of the world in every town.

“That way all the people liable to hurry Ragnarok along with a Kalashnikov and a Bowie knife will show up where we can show them the error of their ways. You can’t take God’s judgment into your own hands. You have to wait until next December when the sun goes nova.

“A federal programme establishing Centres of Human Extinction in each community could seriously reduce deaths from mass shootings.

“After all, these people are our target audience,” added Ussi. “Having them go on murder-suicide rampages is bad for our bottom line.”

“We need to make them wait until next year like everyone else.”

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