Wall Street Worried God’s Wrath Getting Wrathier

New York – As Hurricane Sandy bears down on the spires of New York, financiers on Wall Street are increasingly nervous that this is only the latest sign that God’s wrath waxes as the enemies of his people remain unsmoted.

The wrath of God descends on NYC to bring righteous justice to Wall Street, random Japanese tourists.

“Hey, why would he be angry with me?” asked Felix Huffington III (34), a senior bond trader at Goldman Sachs as he hurriedly took down a plaque proudly declaring: Never have so many suffered so much for the benefit of so few. “I mean, I’m only doing what the Protestant work ethic tells me.”

As lightning bolts blazed across the darkening horizon. Mr. Huffington III turned pale. “Jesus, I only took that bonus to glorify your name,” he whispered fervently.

After the GFC in 2008, many expected that those responsible for the economic collapse would be punished heavily. However, after intensive lobbying of both political parties in Washington, executive pay and bonuses on Wall Street have quickly returned to pre-crisis levels even as conditions for the average worker decline.

Now, recent events suggest that God, frustrated by the limited human understanding of justice, has decided to step in and smite the evildoers himself.

Anxious Wall Street traders watch the weather forecast.

“Yeah, we’d all been receiving signs for some time,” said Mathilda Heerenveen (41), an investment fund manager for Bank of America. “But those tornadoes really made it obvious.”

“I mean, tornadoes in Brooklyn? What is this, fucking Kansas?” she snapped as she lit another cigarette. “And now we got a super-hurricane heading straight for us? There’s only one explanation for all that.”

“God has taken sides with Michael Moore. Well, now we know where He stands,” she sneered.

While some financiers have fled the oncoming storm, Ms. Heerenveen has helped organise a classic Wall Street response.

“This is no worse than all those lefty pinko demonstrations after the GFC,” she said to an assembly of traders and investment managers as the wind howled outside the towers of Manhattan. “You all know the drill. Don’t pussy out like Huffington III – let’s get to work!”

“We’d help them if they actually did have a yellow brick road,” said Ms. Heerenveen.

Stage one of the Wall Street strategy is to sow confusion about the actual causes of the violent weather phenomena plaguing New York.

“Well, obviously they’re instruments of God’s wrath,” said Ms. Heerenveen disgustedly. “His aim was a little off because he’s out of practice, but it fits his MO perfectly – lightning bolts, giant hailstones, it’s all there in the Bible.”

“So in order to stop people realising that it’s God’s righteous vengeance against the wicked, we’ve been promoting the concept of…” She looked down through her notes with a look of intellectual disdain. “… climate change.”

“Yeah, we have our people out there now promoting the idea that business activity is making the world warmer.” She shrugged and exhaled a stream of smoke at the scurrying populace on the rain-swept streets below. “I don’t where our boys come up with this shit, but once you buy a few pet scientists the plebs will believe anything.”

Having shifted public attention from the iniquities of the selfish to carbon emissions, Wall Street has then gotten down to the serious business of lobbying the deities of the universe for special sin exemptions and amnesties for moral malefactors.

“It’s just climate change!” said Ms. Heerenveen unconvincingly as God’s wrath closed in on Wall Street.

“Christianity teaches us to worship God and shun the Devil,” said Ms. Heerenveen. “But here on Wall Street we learn not to pick sides like that. That’s why we’ve rented a church and some bishops downtown to pray for our souls.”

“Then the bishops are going to burn the Bible and profane some altar boys in praise of Satan, just to cover our bases.”

“Whoever triumphs in the great cosmic struggle between Good and Evil, his prick will be in Wall Street’s back pocket.”

As the ‘Frankenstorm’ bore down on the beleaguered city, Wall Street’s finest lit up Cuban cigars, safe in the knowledge that not even God could defeat the stock market.

One Response to Wall Street Worried God’s Wrath Getting Wrathier

  1. nic says:

    Unsmitten, surely.

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