Obama Admits Taking Performance Enhancing Drugs in 2008

Washington – With polls showing the American presidential election is currently a dead heat despite President Obama holding an 8-point lead in September, many Americans have been questioning how the uncertain and stumbling Obama was able to produce such a flawless election campaign in 2008.

Now, after weeks of rumours and allegations inside the Beltway, President Obama has finally come clean and admitted that he did, in order to win the 2008 election, take performance enhancing drugs.

After announcement, Obama instantly regrets not taking Lance Armstrong’s advice.

Said Obama: “I wish to apologise to all those who believed in me, my wife, my family, the Nobel Peace Prize Committee. I so wanted to be the man everyone believed me to be. But when I looked at plain old Barry Obama in the mirror, I just knew the truth – no, I couldn’t.”

“At least not without some artificial stimulus,” he added, to the joy of Republican spindoctors.

Obama swept to the presidency in 2008 with consistent displays of superb oratory that inspired a generation. However, since then his public performances have been erratic, causing many to wonder if there was something suspect about his earlier triumphs.

“Yeah, I knew it was too good to be true,” sighed Elaine Schuppter (43), a registered nurse in Brooklyn’s troubled Brownsville neighbourhood. “This is the greatest democracy in the world! How on earth is a black man ever supposed to be president? There’s no way someone can overcome the handicap of being black to become the Leader of the Free World.”

“Leastways not unless he’s got some serious voodoo.”

A drug-enhanced Obama inspired America in 2008, creating unrealistic expectations of what humans can do.

While some Americans suspected all along that Obama was taking performance enhancing drugs, the rumours began to spread this summer as disaffected members of Obama’s team leaked information to the press. First, his personal physician told of Obama’s involvement with the shady Dr. Michele Ferrari, then his masseuse revealed that Obama had asked her to use make-up to hide needle puncture marks.

Then earlier this month a caretaker at Atlanta’s South View Cemetery revealed that in 2007 he had seen Obama digging at Martin Luther King’s grave at midnight in the company of an infamous New Orleans witchdoctor.

As evidence mounted, Obama was forced to come clean. “My fellow Americans, let me say this: I did not have sexual relations with the corpse of Martin Luther King.” The president paused while his aides unsuccessfully attempted to get a supportive round of applause. “However, some of the other rumours may have foundations that are much less uncertain.”

“Specifically, in order to heal this nation and wipe the stain of the original sin of slavery from the great tapestry of American life, I did, in order to fulfil the hopes and the trust a generation had placed in me, inject bull testosterone and the crushed larynx of Martin Luther King into my anus.”

As he looked out at the sea of shocked faces, Obama remarked: “Man, I could do with some of that good shit right now.”

Obama wishes he had kept some of that good shit for the re-election campaign.

The president explained that remark by saying they’d used up the whole larynx by November of 2008 and since then he has resorted to using the desiccated testicles of Jimmy Carter, with diminishing effect.

As the news sank in, many Americans declared that they were outraged. “I’m outraged!” said Mel Vinocur (34), an assistant district attorney from Kentucky. “I used to look up to Mr. Obama as one of the great orators of our time. Now I find out that he was just shoving the supercharged voodoo voicebox of Martin Luther King up his butt? It’s outrageous!”

“But that Jimmy Carter thing does explain a lot,” he conceded.

A handful of loyal supporters rallied outside the White House in support of Obama. “I don’t care what you did,” sobbed Becky Noob (22), a graphic design student. “It was never about the bull testosterone or whose balls you were shoving up your ass. It was all about you! We can still reimagine America.”

Her voice faltered and a single tear rolled down her cheek and stained her well-worn pop art T-shirt of Barack Obama. “Yes, we can,” she whimpered before blowing her nose in the American flag, to the joy of Republican spindoctors.

Despite the damage done to Obama’s image, pollsters say the race remains a dead heat as voters are equally concerned about Romney’s magic Mormon underwear.

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