Hardcore Eurovision Fans Lament Moldova’s Poor Placing

Düsseldorf, Germany – As Azerbaijan celebrates being the first Central Asian country to win the Eurovision Song Contest, die-hard fans of the competition’s trite pop, malfitting costumes, and antic stage routines lamented the poor showing of Moldova.

The small Eastern European country lived down to the finest traditions of the Eurovision with a cheesy combo of rockin’ rappers singing in pidgin English while wearing giant dunce’s hats, before wowing Eurovision fans with a trumpet solo by a girl dressed as a fairy princess on a unicycle.

“Moldova just ticked all of our boxes,” said Michael Jaeger (47), head of Fans for the Real Eurovision, a continent-wide grouping of people dedicated to fighting the growing trend towards emphasising music and performance ability in the assessment of European music.

“From the medallions dangling pendulously between their knees like glittering scrotums to not being able to afford a stool for the drummer, Moldova really excelled itself this year and deserved at least a top three placing.”

“And, of course, the trumpeting unicycling fairy princess should have put it over the top and given it victory,” he added, to emphatic nods of agreement from Fans for the Real Eurovison, who looked depressed and angry at how the voting had gone.

"Is that the Israeli transsexual or the Irish guy?" asked Jaeger, scratching his head.

"Is that the Israeli transsexual or the Irish guy?" asked Jaeger, scratching his head.

Previous winners of the Eurovision have included an Israeli transsexual, a Russian ice-skating on a small puddle, and Ireland. However, fans are worried that a growing number of Eastern European countries are taking the competition seriously, thereby raising performances to an unacceptable standard.

“They’re just not getting into the spirit of the Eurovision,” complained Jaeger. “I mean, at first I thought Azerbaijan was going down the traditional sexy girl route to Eurovision glory – short low-cut flouncy billowing dresses, and plenty of ‘em – but then some fag in a white suit showed up in the middle of them.”

“You can’t mix the ‘sexy girl’ with the ‘flaming queer guy’ approach, unless you do what Israel did and make them one person – Dana International.”

Jaeger also expressed disappointment at those traditional enemies of Europe, France, for sending someone who could actually sing. “The moment he hit that first note with a clear, ringing, operatic tenor voice I nearly vomited,” said Jaeger, looking visibly nauseous. “I mean, who do the French think they are?”

"What is that fag doing mixed in with the sexy girls?!" yelled an enraged Jaeger.

"What is that fag doing mixed in with the sexy girls?!" yelled an enraged Jaeger.

“They’ve just been pissed off ever since Abba won it with Waterloo back in ’74, but that was no reason to send a singer to the European Song Contest.”

“They’re just trying to ruin it for everybody else,” he added bitterly.

Many expressed dismay that traditional favourites had failed to make much of an impact. Former man and winner, Dana International of Israel, failed to make it past the semi-final stage. Ireland’s all-non-singing, all-non-dancing duo Jedward failed to live up to the hype, despite obviously forgetting their dance routines at one point.

“Well, the transsexual thing had been done, so Israel needs to up its game,” said Jaeger with a shrug. “And Ireland, while sending an entry to compete with the worst, still had an air of neediness about it this year, like they were trying too hard.”

“I mean, no one can be that shit by accident,” he added sceptically.

"Sorry, Ireland were just trying too hard to be shit this year," said Jaeger dismissively.

"Sorry, Ireland were just trying too hard to be shit this year," said Jaeger dismissively.

Fans for the Real Eurovision are mounting a campaign to recognise Moldova’s efforts this year and restore Eurovision to its former troughs of greatness.

“Look, some of those performances on Saturday weren’t that bad!” said Jaeger in disgust. “If they get any better, some of these acts might be just plain lousy. Then we might have an evening of lousy bands playing imitations of music, and we can get that an open-mic night in our local pubs.”

“Do you want to spend a Saturday evening in May listening to Europe’s best open-mic performers?” he shouted, to cries of “Never!” from increasingly frustrated fans who were riding around him on unicycles, blowing trumpets and waving their dunce’s hats in support of Moldova.

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