Butchers Worry as Dustin the Turkey Made Minister for Christmas Dinners

Dublin – Butchers, turkey farmers, and consumers across the country expressed concern yesterday at the news that the new coalition government has appointed Dustin the Turkey as the new head of the Ministry of Christmas Dinners.

Voters fear that the promised turkey cuts won't happen.

Voters fear that the promised turkey cuts won't happen.

The Fine Gael-Labour coalition has recently caused public concern by appointing a Labour minister as head of public sector reform, even though Labour draws a majority of its political support from members of public sector unions.

Now, however, the coalition has gone one step forward by putting a well-known turkey in charge of the menu for the annual Christmas dinner.

Local butcher Mattie Connors (45) said this had worrying implications for Ireland’s turkey economy. “Christmas turkey sales are essential for small butchers, especially with the economy the way it is,” said Connors angrily. “If we don’t make cuts in those turkeys by Christmas, every small business in Ireland will be bankrupt.”

Turkey farmer Ger Laffey (38) said the situation was even worse than that. “Right now, thanks to the policy of Social Turkey Partnership, Ireland is awash in turkeys just gobbling down grain. If we don’t cut them and serve them up for Christmas dinner, this country will be awash with turkeys eating us out of house and home.”

“Something needs to be done, but I just feel Dustin may have a conflict of interests here that prevents him doing his job properly.”

Minister Dustin addressed concerns over the move in an interview with RTE news.

Flamboyant new Minister for Christmas Dinners, Dustin the Turkey, speaks to the press.

Flamboyant new Minister for Christmas Dinners, Dustin the Turkey, speaks to the press.

“I am delighted and honoured to be able to serve the country at this time of crisis,” said Dustin, beaming with pride at his new ministerial red box and driver. “We all know that these are hard times, that cuts must be made, and that some things must be sacrificed.”

“But I ask you, are turkeys the thing we must sacrifice? Do those cuts have to made in the giblets of our hard-working, underpaid, and under-appreciated turkeys?”

“We here at the Ministry of Christmas Dinners will be looking carefully at what exactly we can cut, without hurting turkeys too much.”

The Ministry of Christmas Dinners has been set up after a number of catastrophic Christmases in recent years, including the great storm of 2005 that brought down the electricity grid and the blizzards last year that trapped Santa at Dublin Airport.

Now that the country is virtually bankrupt after years of cosy clientelism between politicians, bankers, public sector unions, and property developers, fears are growing that the next few Christmases may not be all that merry either.

Coalition leaders Kenny and Gimore said they had full confidence in their ministerial turkeys.

Coalition leaders Kenny and Gimore said they had full confidence in their ministerial turkeys.

Visiting members of the IMF have responded to the Christmas crisis by demanding that Ireland immediately make savage cuts in its turkeys in order to restore the festive spirit of Christmas.

Minister Dustin, however, said that the IMF and EU didn’t rule Ireland just yet. “We here in the Labour party feel there are many alternatives to cutting turkeys. Brussels could always loan us a few more sprouts; that’d surely tide everyone over for a few years.”

“And I hear the IMF has some good Indian. I think these are definitely options we need to explore before reaching for the cleaver.”

Consumers said they felt sorry for turkeys, but added they should at least have to cut back on the extra rations they had been given under the previous FF government in order to fatten them up for Christmas. Minister Dustin, however, said this wasn’t feasible.

Minister Dustin said the coalition would seek an increase in Brussel sprouts from the EU to feed the turkeys.

Minister Dustin said the coalition would seek an increase in Brussel sprouts from the EU to feed the turkeys.

“You can’t ask a turkey that’s been stuffing its face on public grain to suddenly take a bit less,” argued Dustin. “It’s very bad for them. They’d feel hungry all the time and have to work a bit harder just to get something to eat.”

“You surely don’t want them to end up as ragged as the poor guys you see delivering the turkey grain, do you?” he asked with a rhetorical flourish.

Dejected voter and lover of Christmas turkey Gemma Barry (21) said that this election was the first time she had voted, and probably the last. “I thought voting might make a difference,” she said dolefully. “I thought we might be able to get rid of Brussel sprouts at Christmas dinners. Now it looks like we’ll be eating them for the foreseeable future.”

Asked if she expected Dustin to resign due to conflict of interests, Ms. Barry shrugged helplessly. “What would it matter?” she asked. “They’re all a bunch of turkeys.”

2 Responses to Butchers Worry as Dustin the Turkey Made Minister for Christmas Dinners

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