Chelsea Players Can Still Shoot Accurately, Proves Ashley Cole in Typical Ashley Cole Fashion

London – There are footballers who talk a good game, and there are those who let their actions speak for themselves. English football specialises in producing the former – bullshit artists who can talk their way out of yet another miserable World Cup.

Ashley Cole is not one of those men.

Ashley Cole deepened his hate-loathe relationship with the world yesterday.

Ashley Cole deepened his hate-loathe relationship with the world yesterday.

This week, Cole once again demonstrated his utter disregard for public opinion by making a public statement in the way only Ashley Cole can. With Chelsea under increasing pressure, Cole responded to criticism that Chelsea’s aging players can no longer shoot accurately by shooting a work placement student with an air rifle.

Said John Terry, Chelsea captain: “Well, that’s Ashley for you, you know, he’s a passionate guy who don’t give a toss. If he wants to say something – and he said he don’t have nothin’ to say to you shitheads – then he knows how to make himself heard.”

“I mean, would you really prefer it if Ashley came here in person to let you know what he thinks?” asked Terry, looking around at the assembled journalists inching closer to the exit in case Cole should decide to make an appearance. “You all know there’s nothing I like more than shagging the left-back’s wife, and Cheryl Cole was a real stunner, but I ain’t fuckin’ nuts.”

Cole has 87 caps for England, three Premier league titles, and a record 6 FA Cup winners’ medals. He is one of the only English players never to look outclassed on the world stage, having been England’s best player at many major tournaments.

Despite these handicaps, Cole has succeeded in his aim of becoming one of the most loathed and feared footballers of his generation.

Manager Carlo Ancelotti said that he was disappointed but not surprised by the shooting.

"Not with a ten-foot pole!" said John Terry emphatically.

"Not with a ten-foot pole!" said John Terry emphatically.

“Ashley is his own man,” said the cosmopolitan Italian. “He is the only man I know who keeps an air rifle in his dressing room locker. He said he keeps it there just in case anyone got any funny ideas after that gay orgy story broke.”

“Nobody gets any funny ideas about Ashley in our dressing room,” said Ancelotti gravely.

Ancelotti was particularly put out by the idea that Alex Ferguson would not have tolerated such behaviour.

“It’s easy for Alex Ferguson!” exploded Ancelotti. “He only ever had to deal with pricks like Gary Neville, who was all talk. The problem with Ashley Cole is, he no talk. He just do it. He’s like a Nike ad made by Quentin Tarantino.”

Despite his personality and behaviour, Ashley Cole has oddly acquired a certain dignity in the context of English football. Irish sports journalist Dion Lynch spoke guardedly of his baffling respect for Cole.

“Most English footballers try to present two faces to the world; Cole has one face – the ugly face – and he refuses to hide it. You have to have some respect for a man not willing to hide the truth, which is why people hate him so much.”

“For example, he’s never apologised for his many affairs with women who weren’t as good looking as his wife,” said Lynch. “When Tiger Woods apologised for his affairs, it broke him as a sportsman, because he knew in his heart that he was no longer true to himself.”

Ashley Cole responds to an unwanted homosexual advance.

“Ashley Cole is always true to himself, which is why he’s such a great footballer and unabashed cunt.”

Lynch feels that insufficient attention is paid to the profundity of Cole’s philosophy of living.

“After the 2010 World Cup, when he publicly said: ‘I hate England and it’s fucking people,’ we knew it was inappropriate and wrong. But also right, in the sense that Cole was expressing a deeper truth, one we all at some level understood but could not articulate. How can England hope to win the World Cup, with such fucking people?”

“And then Cole proved it by being the only player to play well and still coming home the most despised. The English never understand football, because they are distracted by bullshit. Ashley Cole is never distracted by bullshit.”

“When that student had his hands up begging for mercy, he didn’t listen to any of his bullshit.”

“For a true professional like Cole, you don’t hesitate when you have the chance to shoot.”

True to form, Ashley Cole soon tweeted that Dion Lynch could go fuck himself, and the rest of Ireland with him.

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