As FF Gets 17.4%, Calls Grow for Reform of National Anthem

Dublin – The Irish have long had to put up with the stereotype of being stupid, but this weekend’s election results have allowed scientists to measure the number of morons among the adult population at exactly 387,408, the number of people who voted for Fianna Fáil.

Research shows the stereotypical stupid Irish man accounts for 17.4% of the population.

Research shows the stereotypical stupid Irish man accounts for 17.4% of the population.

Having governed for the last 14 years, Fianna Fáil openly shot the Celtic Tiger by failing to regulate the financial industry, ignoring a massive property bubble, eroding the tax base, allowing public sector wages to balloon out of control, and when confronted by the inevitable collapse of the economy issuing a blanket bank guarantee that left the Irish taxpayer on the hook for €145 billion.

Despite bankrupting the nation through its own appalling incompetence and corruption, Fianna Fáil secured 387,408 votes in the general election, confirming that the stereotype of the stupid Irish has some basis in fact.

“17.4% is an awful lot of dingbats for any population,” said Prof. Harriet Feehan (57), professor of social psychology at UCC, looking perplexedly at the figures. “I mean, we would expect the number of total retards in any nation to be somewhere from 5-10%. Ireland, however, has almost double that number of mentally defective imbeciles.”

“There’s got to be some other factor in play here,” she said, frowning in concentration.

After a long brainstorming session with her colleagues, Feehan stumbled across a horrifying possibility. “When the thought first came to me, my blood ran cold,” she said, shivering at the memory. “I was afraid to even say it, but I knew it was true.”

"Would FF really do something this monstrous to their own people? Where have you been?!" snorted Feehan.

"Would FF really do something this monstrous to their own people? Where have you been?!" snorted Feehan.

“But it’s monstrous, absolutely monstrous…” she stopped, looking up in disbelief. “I mean, what organisation would do something so irremediably evil to its own people?”

She looked out the window at a poster of Micheál Martin saying ‘Real Plan. Better Future.’ “God, who am I talking about?” she asked despairingly. “Of course they did it. Jesus H. Christ.”

Feehan’s research clearly demonstrates that, for decades, Fianna Fáil have successfully brainwashed the Irish people with the first line of the national anthem.

“It’s ingenious,” she admitted, taking a deep drag from her cigarette. “I mean, all anyone knows is the first line – ‘Sinne Fianna Fáil’ – then everyone hums along until they get near the end and can starting shouting ‘Come on, Ireland!’ and stuff like that.”

“When you do that on every national occasion, every major sporting occasion, and at the end of every pub gig and karaoke night, pretty soon what you have are a nation of idiots who think we should all be Fianna Fáil.”

Bertie Ahern leads the people in the national brainwashing before a major GAA game.

Bertie Ahern leads the people in the national brainwashing before a major GAA game.

Lab tests on traditional Fianna Fáil voters rapidly proved the hypothesis to be correct.

“I’m a proud patriot, and a proud Fianna Fáil man, and I’ll be a proud Irish Fianna Fáil man until I die!” thundered local halfwit Tomás O’Leary (50), a big red-faced farmer from Macroom. “I won’t vote for any of those ould blueshirts and Commies.”

“Sinne Fianna Fáil!” he bellowed, before humming along wordlessly through the next few bars and finally erupting in deafening roars of “C’mon Cork!”

“Frightening, isn’t it?” observed Prof. Feehan as she watched through the two-way mirror.

However, Fianna Fáil’s traditional death grip on the Irish imagination has weakened to a mere 17.4% because of the introduction in the late 1990s of a new anthem, Ireland’s Call, to be sung at rugby matches as a compromise with northern Unionists.

Initially rejected by many, Ireland’s Call has become popular due its rousing melody and comprehensible lyrics in a language most Irish people can understand.

Patriots put the lyrics of Ireland's Call on Croke Park's big screen to break the national brainwashing.

Patriots put the lyrics of Ireland's Call on Croke Park's big screen to break the national brainwashing.

“Obviously it takes time for something like this to have an effect,” said Prof. Feehan. “But the effect is clear. Fianna Fáil hasn’t changed; it was always corrupt and incompetent and made Ireland the only third world country in Western Europe.

“What changed is the brainwashing effect of the national anthem has weakened sufficiently for most people to break free.”

“Now we have to reform the national anthem, and help the remaining 17.4% of mindless zombie Fianna Fáil voters regain their senses and possibly even contribute to the community – by not voting for Fianna Fáil.”

“If it wasn’t for those patriotic Unionists in the North, Ireland may never have broken free,” she said with a shudder.

Although many have expressed skepticism, Feehan maintains that no other logical answer to the 17.4% enigma exists. “I know it all sounds outlandish,” said Feehan, stubbing out her cigarette, “but do you have any other explanation for how Fianna Fáil could have gotten 17.4% in this election?”

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