Fight Begins for Last 166 Jobs in Ireland

Rep. of Ireland – The nation’s favourite reality TV show, The General Election, begins today with 566 contestants fighting to claim the last 166 jobs in Ireland.

The General Election, a traditionally popular TV extravaganza, asks the people of Ireland to choose every five years the lucky 166 people who will be given a bucket load of cash every year, plus a secure pension, for doing absolutely nothing.

"Election 2011 - The Last 166 Jobs in Ireland" is expected to draw millions of viewers.

"Election 2011 - The Last 166 Jobs in Ireland" is expected to draw millions of viewers.

Traditionally advertised as being ‘the best jobs for the laziest hoors in Ireland,’ this year’s General Election will have the added attraction of advertising the last jobs in Ireland.

Reality TV analyst Knowall Whelan said: “This is shaping up to be the best show we’ve ever had. What with the country collapsing and thousands of people leaving for foreign shores every month, the competition for the last 166 jobs will be fierce.”

“After all, for the losers nothing awaits except the coffin ships to the States,” pronounced Whelan, “so it really is a matter of life and death for the candidates. If they don’t get in as TDs today, they’ll be in the same boats as the rest of us.”

“I’m tellin’ you,” he chortled, “no one wants to wake up tomorrow as an ordinary citizen of Ireland!”

Ireland has traditionally favoured fat red-faced men from FF, for inexplicable reasons.

Ireland has traditionally favoured fat red-faced men from FF, for inexplicable reasons.

For a long time the nation has overwhelmingly chosen fat, red-faced men from Fianna Fáil to be the winners of The General Election. However, the public has grown tired of fat, red-faced men recently due to overexposure to previous winners Bertie Ahern and Brian Cowen, and there is a feeling that a change would reinvigorate the show’s popularity.

“It’s time for women to have a bigger presence in The General Election,” declared liberal TV critic Elaine Burn. “Women need to support and encourage strong female candidates like Lucinda Creighton to ensure greater equality for all Irish citizens.”

Creighton, the Equalities spokeswoman for Fine Gael, then came out against gay marriage in a Tweet that read: “I think marriage is primarily about children, main purpose being to propagate & create environment for children to grow up. I think civil partnership should ensure gay couples r treated fairly and justly re tax inheritance etc & recognition by the State But marriage is different.”

“That fucking bitch!” snapped Burn when she read the Tweet. “Riding around in her fuck-me boots – what did she suck to get the Equalities position in Fine Gael?”

“If I see her on the street I’m going to bitch-slap her and yank her badly-dyed blond hair out.”

"I'll give you one guess what she sucked to get that post," snarled Elaine Burn spitefully.

"I'll give you one guess what she sucked to get that post," snarled Elaine Burn spitefully.

With passions running high, the public is looking forward to seeing sparks fly, particularly from maverick outsiders trying to make one final impression.

“We need honesty and integrity in public life,” bellowed Gerry Adams, head of Sinn Féin. “Fianna Fáil and the bankers and developers have robbed this country blind and lied to us all the way. If you vote for me, I’ll find out their secrets; I’ll find out where the bodies are buried and I’ll find out what happened to the money in our banks.”

Labour’s Eamon Gilmore was originally a leading frontrunner in the early stages, but his support has dwindled as the public realised he too is a fat, red-faced man. The almost certain winner of The General Election, much to the disappointment of all, will be a middle-aged Mayo farmer, Enda Kenny.

“It’s just like the Lotto,” sighed Knowall Whelan. “You get all excited when there’s a big jackpot, then it goes to some ould lad from the West who has no idea what to do with it.”

A middle-aged Mayo farmer celebrates victory, much to everyone's disappointment.

A middle-aged Mayo farmer celebrates victory, much to everyone's disappointment.

Some voters remain unimpressed by the hype, however. “Every five years we get all het up over this General Election nonsense,” grumbled Henry Gardner (62) as he walked down to the polling station.

“If Ireland actually had any vibrant, dynamic young people left, they would have been on the streets protesting against the bankruptcy of the nation. Did you see anyone protesting? No. That’s because we don’t have any vibrant, dynamic young people.”

“We vote for the fat, red-faced, lazy hoors because that’s who we are,” he said, before ticking the box for Fianna Fáil and stalking out of the polling booth.

One Response to Fight Begins for Last 166 Jobs in Ireland

  1. John Duncan says:

    I know it’s a wind up really.

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