Nation Agrees Final Leadership Debate Won by O’Callaghan

Dublin – After watching last night’s final leadership debate before the election, the Irish people were almost unanimous in agreeing it had been comprehensively won by Miriam O’Callaghan.

Presenter Miriam O’Callaghan showed a tremendous grasp of policy and the important questions facing the nation, and also projected an air of calm confidence and control, while Enda Kenny, Micheál Martin, and Eamon Gilmore looked increasingly like men completely out of their depth.

Miriam O'Callaghan comfortably beat the aborted foetus, the plank of wood, and the well-shaven Santa.

Miriam O'Callaghan comfortably beat the aborted foetus, the plank of wood, and the well-shaven Santa.

“Of course she’s also a very telegenic woman,” said Pat Johnson (54), in a gathering of voters in Dublin S.E. to discuss the debate. “Whereas Enda Kenny looks like a well-varnished plank of wood, Eamon Gilmore looks like Santa with the beard shaved off, and Micheál Martin looks like an aborted foetus.”

“But it was really her grasp of important policy issues that impressed me,” he said, to nods all round. “She was the only one trying to discuss the really big problems facing the country. And you’d never have heard her saying, ‘Check the RTE website for details,’ or spending her whole time attacking other people because she had nothing to say herself.”

“She’s got my No. 1 on Friday,” he concluded, pounding his fist on the table.

Others were impressed by her ability to maintain control amid the irritating bickering and squabbling. Laura Brogan (67) said that Ireland really needed an experienced mother like Miriam O’Callaghan to take charge of the Dáil.

O'Callaghan has long been famous for her ability to control Ireland's notoriously badly behaved politicians.

O'Callaghan has long been famous for her ability to control Ireland's notoriously badly behaved politicians.

“Sure, what did we see last night only three men throwing tantrums and launching toys out of their prams at each other? Gilmore would have pulled Martin’s hair over the HSE, if he had any, while Enda spent the whole debate so scared that Martin would belt him in the face he wouldn’t even make eye contact.”

“But as a mother of eight, Miriam was well able to keep them in hand, although I think she should have given that Martin lad a clip round the ear and told him to cop onto himself. But we’ll need someone like that to keep the Dáil in line when there’s 166 of them in one room, all bawling and raging over who took their pocket money away.”

“Miriam is the right woman for the job,” she said stoutly.

The three men in the debate were considered particularly uninspiring in comparison.

“Has Micheál Martin no sense of shame?” thundered Mark Ryan (34), looking around incredulously. “There he was, yapping away at the end of the table, accusing the other parties of dishonesty. Dishonesty! As if his government hadn’t personally lied to the country about the IMF. We had to have reporters go out on the street asking foreigners in business suits: ‘Are you the IMF?’ in order to get the truth.”

Most agreed that Martin deserved a clip round the ear from O'Callaghan for his boorish heckling and hypocrisy.

Most agreed that Martin deserved a clip round the ear from O'Callaghan for his boorish heckling and hypocrisy.

“And what about his statement that the Dutch were unhappy with their healthcare system? God, I had no idea our country was overrun with Dutch medical tourists coming here just to take advantage of the HSE. They must keep a very low profile, unlike the IMF.”

“So we had one group of lads who weren’t in the country despite the fact everyone could see them and another group who apparently are flooding the country even though they’re invisible.”

“What’s his plan for economic recovery? Raid the strategic leprechaun gold reserve?” snorted Mr. Ryan. “If he thinks I’m voting for him ahead of Miriam O’Callaghan, he’s more deluded than his own economic growth forecasts.”

While Martin’s astonishing levels of hypocrisy throughout the debate took centre stage, many were also unimpressed with Enda Kenny’s impersonation of Dustin the Turkey.

“If I wanted to see a man with someone else’s hand up his arse putting words in his mouth, I’d watch The Den,” declared Theresa Prior (26). “Sure what’s he going to do for us in Europe? Do you think Angela Merkel has someone’s hand up her arse? She’s the puppet master; she’d have Enda back here squawking about how we need to give money to support autobahn construction in the former East, while we’re eating nettle soup.”

Dustin the Turkey has a bad track record in Europe, but may still be a safer bet than Enda Kenny.

Dustin the Turkey has a bad track record in Europe, but may still be a safer bet than Enda Kenny.

Labour leader Eamon Gilmore’s soft core emotional rhetoric about families made many people nauseous.

“Oh, won’t somebody please think of the family?” mocked Ms. Prior, to great laughter. “Oh ye aging housewives of Ireland, please vote for Eamon Gilmore and the family!”

All present laughed appreciatively, as they had the security of knowing that at least one person at the debate looked capable of running the country.

“God only knows what we’d do without Miriam,” sighed Laura Brogan. “I’d hate to think of the country being run by any of those other three gobshites.”

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