EU Regulators Astonished as Bankers Reveal Investment in Pluto

Dublin – To national dismay and international incredulity, the follies of the Celtic Tiger were revealed today to extend beyond the confines of our shores, and even our planet, as Irish lenders systematically invested in property development in the furthest reaches of our solar system.

The Irish taxpayer, for a mere €100 billion, now owns that little dot on the left.

The Irish taxpayer, for a mere €100 billion, now owns that little dot on the left.

The banks finally came clear on the investment this morning in a meeting with NAMA directors and the EU/IMF economic advisory team.

“We’d demanded they reveal, once and for all, the true extent of their losses,” said Franz Schwarzloch, senior economic advisor to the ECB. “And they were blarneying on as if they’d been licking the Bullshit Stone in Cork all night, when they suddenly mumbled something about ‘the Plutonian scheme.’”

“At first, I thought they must have said plutonium, and that they had been selling fissile material on the black market to terrorists and rogue dictators,” said Mr. Schwarzloch. “But, while that would have been illegal and immoral, it would also have been too profitable and logical a business venture for an Irish banker to get involved in.”

“Then I asked them to clarify it and they told me. And then they gave me some smelling salts and told me again. Finally they came to visit me in hospital and explained it a third time, after which the doctor said they weren’t allowed to visit any more.”

Ireland's reverence for the Bullshit Stone is seen by many as a key element in the collapse.

Ireland's reverence for the Bullshit Stone is seen by many as a key element in the collapse.

The former planet of Pluto, reclassified since 2006 as part of the Kuiper Belt rather than a member of the solar system, is home to a projected €100 billion in Irish real estate development, including a luxurious casino hotel resort, a convention centre, and the Bertie Bowl.

 “It’s like they just wanted to throw that money down a black hole,” added Schwarzloch despairingly.

According to the minutes of the meeting, a consortium of bankers and property developers had come together in 2004 to put together a secret plan to corner the real estate market on Pluto.

“Sure, it looked then like a secret gem,” said Sean Fitzgerald of Anglo Irish Bank, who was renowned in 2004 for his shrewd investment skills. “It had a great location right on the edge of the known universe with a mere 572-year commute to Dublin – Pluto was the new Leitrim.”

The consortium had already invested €75 billion when the International Astronomical Union (IAU) rezoned Pluto outside the solar system in August 2006, despite the persistent lobbying efforts of well-connected politicians.

“That rezoning of Pluto was one of the worst decisions the IAU ever made,” said then Taoiseach Bertie Ahern. “Pluto was a crucial part of the solar system’s economy; it had testicles everywhere, and when they burst loose they knocked off some of Neptune’s coons and blasted holes in the sphincter rings of Saturn.”

“And don’t even get me started on Uranus,” sighed Ahern.

"Sure, Pluto is even more attractive a location than Leitrim," protested a bewildered Sean Fitzpatrick.

"Sure, Pluto is even more attractive a location than Leitrim," protested a bewildered Sean Fitzpatrick.

Despite the intense lobbying of FF politicians, the IAU refused to rezone Pluto, causing land values to collapse in the Kuiper Belt. Fortunately for the consortium, the Irish government agreed to take over their troubled Plutonian asset, fully recompensed all members of the consortium, and is now trying to find a buyer.

Selling Pluto and the other NAMA assets is now crucial to Ireland’s economic survival. According to Colm McCarthy, “The [bailout] plan is viable if €100bn of the remaining loan assets can be sold at a small discount to book value. If the €100bn loan books fetch €90-€95bn, the resulting equity gap could possibly be made up within existing provisions. But if the discount is 30 per cent or 40 per cent, the resources are not within the financial resources of the Irish Government.”

“If we can’t find someone willing to shell out €90 billion for a piece of frozen rock in deep space, 478 trillion miles from civilisation, then we’re screwed.”

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