GAA Exorcises Demonic Foreign Influences from Croke Park

Dublin – In a brave but somewhat medieval effort to halt the encroachment of foreign control over Irish life, the great and holy of the GAA gathered last night at midnight in Croke Park to exorcise the demonic influence of foreign sports from the heart of Irish natural culture.

Croke Park, the fourth-largest stadium in Europe, has traditionally been reserved exclusively for Gaelic games, with absolutely no space at all for any of those English sports which are lamentably so popular with the youth.

Satan's soccer-playing minions openly desecrated the holy turf of Croker from 2007-2010.

Satan's soccer-playing minions openly desecrated the holy turf of Croker from 2007-2010.

However, from 2007-2010 the GAA – in a foolish fit of modernity – allowed rugby and soccer to be played in the spiritual cradle of Irishness and things have never been the same since.

“Yea, was it prophesied in 2007 that the introduction of foreign sports into the sacred lands of Ireland would lead to ruin,” said Big Dan Holohan (62), member of the Kilkenny county board and noted GAA hardliner.

“And that when foreign boots did kick unnaturally shaped balls on Ireland’s greenest field, the country would lose its sovereignty and once again become a vassal state.”

“And the people of Ireland would be cast down in darkness, and scattered to the four corners of the Earth, to scrape out a living as illegal construction workers and buskers.”

“Many were those who mocked us, and said we were an organisation living in the past,” said Holohan, looking around at the grave, silent faces. “Who’s living in the past now? Emigration in the hundreds of thousands, the land being ruled by foreigners – if we don’t fuckin’ do this we’ll have famine beatin’ down our doors by next winter!” he thundered.

As midnight struck, the GAA began the exorcism of Croke Park.

The Jeremiads of GAA hardliners in 2007 have proven eerily accurate.

The Jeremiads of GAA hardliners in 2007 have proven eerily accurate.

In nomine patris, de Valera, et Michael Collins,” intoned the Archbishop of Cashel gravely, holding a relic of the true cross over the faint outline of a soccer centre circle while stout GAA hardliners burned peat briquettes atop sharpened pitchforks.

“We invoke the name of our saviours Michael Davitt and the Lord Jesus Christ to cleanse this sacred Irish turf of the iniquitous influence of those damned abominations soccer and rugby.”

“I cast thee out, Satan and all his English sports!” roared the Archbishop suddenly as burning flames leapt to the sky amid ghostly shrieks from the lingering spirits of the English rugby team that lost 43-13 to Ireland at Croke Park.

“And the Devil’s fornicating French with you!” bellowed the Archbishop, lashing at the ghostly echo of Nicolas Anelka scoring a crucial goal against Ireland in the World Cup playoffs in Nov. 2009.

While the spirits howled blasphemously tuneful versions of God Save the Queen, grimly determined men led the heresiarchs Brian O’Driscoll and Robbie Keane onto the field to sacrifice them to the vengeful God of the Old Testament, who made a brief disappearance from Irish Catholicism but is now back with a bad headache and an almighty thirst for blood.

GAA hardliners gather to watch the heretics be consumed in righteous flame.

GAA hardliners gather to watch the heretics be consumed in righteous flame.

“Jesus, what the fuck are you doing?” stammered Robbie Keane in terror, as true believers doused him and O’Driscoll in holy petrol.

As the archbishop advanced with the Easter candle from Dublin Cathedral, O’Driscoll began to weep piteously. “I swear I’ll never do it again. I’ll never play foreign sports on the sacred turf of Croker. I repent, O Jesus, I repent!” he yelled.

But the GAA hardliners were immune to the Devil’s insidiously slithering lies and carried the ritual to its conclusion, consuming the unbelievers in the Lord’s righteous GAA flame.

And when the heresiarchs perished, so did the stadium become quiet, and was bathed in gentle moonlight from heaven.

“Well, it was a tough decision, but we had to do it,” said GAA moderate Dennis Fallon (47) as they filed out of the stadium. “Somebody has to do something to save this country, and have you looked at the shower of gobshites running in the election?”

“No,” he said, with a firm shake of the head, “the exorcism of Croke Park was our best bet to save Ireland.”

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