Drug Gangs Ask Government to Regulate Drug-Pushing Grannies

Dublin – As the recession hits, Ireland’s professional drug dealers have joined forces to call on the government to regulate the drug trade more strictly and prevent the streets being flooded with grandmothers dealing prescription drugs.

Mrs. Tuohy said she had no intention of stopping and the pigs could put that in their pipe and smoke it.

Mrs. Tuohy said she had no intention of stopping and the pigs could put that in their pipe and smoke it.

Recent police reports suggest that Dublin is experiencing a wave of amateur drug dealing, as pensioners facing reduced welfare and higher bills make ends meet by selling prescription drugs and, when possible, their own bodies.

“Sure, what harm?” cackled Mags Tuohy (76) as she hovered behind a bus stop in Ranelagh, casting furtive glances around at potential plain clothes police officers. “How else am I supposed to make ends meet? I’d go on the fuckin’ game as well, but it’s a real niche market at my age.”

“It’s the pigs, Granno, leg it!” shrieked her lookout, 12 year-old grandson Tommy, as a lone squad car pulled up. Mrs. Tuohy hobbled into a nearby church, tossed the Zopiclone in the baptismal font, and knelt down with all the other elderly female drug dealers pretending to say decades of the Rosary.

The sudden upsurge in elderly women selling drugs on Dublin’s once-mean streets has become a cause of great concern for local professionals.

“There was a time when dealing drugs meant that you were a qualified professional with certain well-regarded skills,” said Jimmy “The Penguin” Rabbitte as he and other leading drug dealers gathered outside Leinster House to lobby for stricter regulation.

“People who didn’t know about the trade knew better than to get involved. If they wanted something, they simply called the professionals. We maintained a strict watch on our own trade practices to ensure both healthy competition and a fair market share for all.”

Drug dealers and their employees gather to lobby the Dail for stricter regulation.

Drug dealers and their employees gather to lobby the Dail for stricter regulation.

“But now we’re just totally overrun with pensioners flogging painkillers,” he said, gesturing helplessly at the city he once thought he knew. “The government has to do something about this growing problem.”

The Irish have long been known for their taste for alcohol, but during the boom years they branched out into a wide variety of recreational drugs, creating growth for entrepreneurial activities in the leisure market.

This market was previously well organised by a number of leading corporations, or ‘gangs’ as they are known in Dublin business parlance. However, the downturn in the Irish economy, coupled with the robust performance of the recreational drug market, has encouraged a flood of amateur speculation that is seriously damaging the competitiveness of established concerns.

“The growing number of amateur OAP drug pushers is causing a serious decline in the average quality of the Irish product,” said Mr. Rabbitte gravely.

Stillorgan wet T-shirt champion Paul Mulvey said he hated how people kept staring at his breasts.

Stillorgan wet T-shirt champion Paul Mulvey said he hated how people kept staring at his breasts.

“Some of these grandmothers have been selling hormone replacement therapy drugs to young boys on the street. Now we have so many teenage boys with breasts that Ladyboy Lovers magazine named Ireland second only to Thailand as the international destination of choice.”

“And the wet T-shirt contests in Stillorgan just can’t be good for regular tourism.”

Mr. Rabbitte and the other members of the drug-dealing lobby say that Ireland’s international drug dealing reputation is suffering with each day of government inaction.

“Reputation is everything on the international drug markets,” said Mr. Rabbitte knowledgeably. “People have to believe that you’re a serious business. Now that everyone thinks we’re just a bunch of penniless old women, we can’t get any credit or leeway off the international markets.”

The group is calling for the government to introduce a new drug-dealing license that certifies those legitimately allowed to sell hard drugs on the streets of the capital.“It’s the only way to restore faith in our national drug markets,” said Mr. Rabbitte.

The government, however, rejected calls for legislation and says it intends to stick by the free-market ideology that has powered Irish growth in the 21st century.

One Response to Drug Gangs Ask Government to Regulate Drug-Pushing Grannies

  1. All I can say is turn these drugged out Irish grannies into high protein biscuits and feed them to the inmates of the penitentiaries. That’s all I can say – kill two birds with one stone it will!

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