FG Major Change from FF, says Enda Kenny

Secret FG Election HQ – Speaking by telephone from an anonymous location where he can be safely kept away from the media, Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny today insisted that in the upcoming election Ireland could make no more radical change from FF than FG.

Kenny (left) said an FG-Labour alliance would radically change the Old Boys' Club of Irish politics.

Kenny (left) said an FG-Labour alliance would radically change the Old Boys' Club of Irish politics.

A muffled voice reading from a pre-prepared script intoned: “The Irish people demand change. They are sick of the way FF has run this country as its own personal fiefdom since independence. In the 21st century, we need a new kind of party, something radically different from FF – FG.”

Unlike other European countries with their left-right political party balance, Ireland is so Catholic its two major political parties are both centre-right, reflecting a traditionally reverential attitude to power even as it openly buggers our children’s arses.

Now FF has utterly gorged itself on national buggery, the nation is looking to FG, which currently leads the polls in the run-up to the election despite being led by the hapless Enda Kenny, the only political leader in the Western world dumb enough to have openly used the word ‘nigger’ as part of a joke while chatting with the press.

To make matters worse, the ‘nigger’ in question was the then recently assassinated Prime Minister of Congo Patrice Lumamba, thus making Kenny the only leader in the world dumb enough to dance on the grave of a martyr for democracy and human rights while calling him a ‘nigger.’

"Is that the nigger who got shot in the Congo?" asked Kenny curiously.

"Is that the nigger who got shot in the Congo?" asked Kenny curiously.

Such is the desperate state of Irish politics, however, that Kenny is now almost certain to become the next Taoiseach.

Asked if his impending election high office were not a sign of how broken and defeated Ireland was, Kenny shuffled his pre-written pages looking for something to say.

“There can be no greater change from FF than FG,” repeated Enda Kenny, re-reading bits of the script while he searched for a pre-set phrase. “We’re a different, more progressive letter of the alphabet. F stands for failure, farting, funerals, and all kinds of bad things while G stands for good, gold, goals, etc. It’s a whole different mindset.”

FG political minders raced around the pressroom in panic as it became obvious that Ireland’s impending political leader was now, horrifyingly, acting on his own initiative.

“We have plans, you know, big plans, smart plans,” wittered Kenny, continuing on like a man in a dream heading for the cliff but unable to stop. “We want a Dutch-style privately-funded health insurance system, while our likely coalition partners Labour want a publicly-funded system. Our smart plan is to not discuss this in front of voters and just come to some kind of half-assed compromise among ourselves.”

Many voters felt 'FU' was a much more apt acronym for an Irish political party.

Many voters felt 'FU' was a much more apt acronym for an Irish political party.

“Then we’ll just present the voters with our totally fudged fait accompli and they can lump it. That’s how we’ll be different from FF.”

“And the people voting for Sinn Féin are just throwing their votes away. Sure, they’re only a bunch of knackers, lads!” exclaimed Kenny as FG went into full red-alert crisis mode.

“And this new FF front bench is only a bit of codology about diversity and youth and women’s empowerment. Sure, behind all those knickers are the same old FF pricks. And if you scratch the paint off their token nigger you’ll find he’s FF to the bone.”

“No,” said Kenny, sounding rather pleased with how well he’d survived this particular encounter with the media, “FG is yer only man if you want real change. Vote Enda Kenny for Taoiseach.”

“You know it’s the right choice.”

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