Gary Neville Announces Retirement From Being a Prick

Manchester – After 19 years of competing at the highest level, this week Gary Neville announced his intention to retire at the top as one of world football’s greatest pricks.

Speaking with MUTV, Neville said: “It’s been a rollercoaster ride with Manchester United and I’ve really enjoyed being the obnoxious face of the world’s most hated club.”

For years Neville has been the obnoxious face of the world's most hated club.

For years Neville has been the obnoxious face of the world's most hated club.

“But there comes a time when even the biggest prick has to admit that he is no longer up for it.”

“I’ve reached a point in my life when I simply want to entertain people and make them happy, as well as work for the common good of all humanity,” added Neville, with a warm smile radiating the milk of human kindness.

Neville has long been reviled by fans across England for not simply being a part of Alex Ferguson’s all-conquering Manchester United pricks but also rubbing it in directly in front of dejected fans’ faces.

In 2006, he famously celebrated a last-minute winning goal against Liverpool directly in front of the Liverpool fans, taunting them with insulting gestures and pelvic thrusts, the like of which had never been seen by Liverpool’s genteel fans before.

In Sep. 2009 he then repeated the trick when Michael Owen scored a last-minute winner against local rivals Manchester City, who were similarly shocked at such ungentlemanly sportsmanship.

Neville said that he now saw the error of his ways and was working to make amends for what he had done in the past.

Neville infamously celebrated being a giant prick directly in front of the Liverppol fans.

Neville infamously celebrated being a giant prick directly in front of the Liverppol fans.

“Yes, well, in the heat of battle you’ll do almost anything to be a successful football prick,” admitted Neville regretfully. “But I’d particularly like to make it up to the Scousers.”

“Liverpool used to be a great football city,” said Neville with great sympathy. “But then it got overrun by towel-heads, Pakis, and Wogs, and we all know that they can’t play football for shit.”

“That’s why I’m setting up the Gary Neville Football Academy for White British Boys Only,” explained Neville, with his newfound spiritual calm and enlightened humanity. “I think it will help bring the community together against the world, just like Sir Alex did at Man Utd, which did wonders for our football.”

“All the Scousers have to do is sign up for the official Man Utd fan club, then we’ll give them free of charge a Man Utd shirt that they have to wear at the academy at all times, and we’ll teach them how to play football the Manchester United way,” said Neville, with the serene benevolence of one who is finally working for the good of his fellow man.

In keeping with his newfound image, Neville was quick to pay homage to all those who had helped him get where he is today.

“No young player who wants to be a world-class prick could have a better mentor than Sir Alex Ferguson,” averred Neville passionately. “I always thought I had a natural talent for it, but he showed me ways of being a prick I never dreamt of.”

"Gary has all the makings of a world-class manager prick," said Ferguson proudly.

"Gary has all the makings of a world-class manager prick," said Ferguson proudly.

“I’d really love to follow in his footsteps someday and manage the biggest group of pricks in the world.”

The media have been quick to praise Gary Neville, suddenly discovering that he was “the best English right-back in England for the past twenty years,” despite having given him 6/10 in every game he ever played.

“I never listened to anything they said when I was player, but now that they are delivering glowing eulogies, I can find it in my heart to graciously accept their honest and forthright opinions on my career,” said Neville, as he played with a small bird that had freely perched on his shoulder by clamping its head between his teeth and shoving lit matchsticks up its rectum.

“I’ll obviously miss being a prick to millions on the big stage,” said Neville, tossing the dead bird away. “But I think I might make a good coach in the future.”

One Response to Gary Neville Announces Retirement From Being a Prick

  1. Pingback: Chelsea Players Can Still Shoot Accurately, Proves Ashley Cole in Typical Ashley Cole Fashion « Views from the Lifeboat

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