Aer Lingus Rebrands Itself Aer CunniLingus as Staff Dispute Intensifies

Dublin – The recent Aer Lingus staff dispute over rosters has now intensified as CEO Christoph Müller announced a new plan to strategically rebrand the airline and compete successfully in the international market by changing its name to Aer CunniLingus.

Müller said the new brand name had already stimulated a desire to fly Aer Cunnilingus.

Müller said the new brand name had already stimulated a desire to fly Aer Cunnilingus.

Announcing the intended brand change, Müller said: “Every company in the vorld must haff a key advantage over its competitors. Before today, Aer Lingus vas only associated with negatif images – Ireland, corruption, incompetence, und so weiter.”

“As a German und proud European, I vould like to show the Irish people how their European partners intend to help them through this crisis. Ve vill not destroy your heritage, but build on it and make it something better.”

“From Aer Lingus to Aer CunniLingus, with love from your European cousins,” concluded Müller proudly.

The new advertising campaign does not attempt to sell the traditional hackneyed images of Ireland. Instead, it is running two separate campaigns to stimulate both domestic and foreign demand.

The Irish advertisement shows clips of Brian Cowen, Bertie Ahern, Sean Fitzpatrick, David Drumm, Mary Harney, and Jedward before cutting to a shot of an airplane flying towards the blue horizon with the tagline – “Aer Cunnilingus – Escape from a land of world-class cunts.”

The international advertisement shows seductively smiling airhostesses in Aer CunniLingus’ new pink mini-skirt uniforms greeting beaming international businessmen, all excitedly waiting to board the plane. “Don’t lick your own lips in anticipation. Lick someone else’s – on Aer Cunnilingus,” says the tagline.

Many Aer (Cunni)Lingus staff immediately objected to this latest provocation from management.

Aer Lingus staff respond as they are told their new duties.

Aer Lingus staff respond as they are told their new duties.

“I thought the rosters thing was bad,” said Noreen Varney (25), a slim attractive redhead with a look of utter disbelief in her eyes. “I mean, wanting us to work more flights for no more pay is a disgrace, but this is something…” Her voice trailed off as she searched for words to describe it.

“Yesterday on a flight to Düsseldorf I pushed the trolley down the aisle, asking people if they wanted something to eat, and a fat German businessmen with a huge handlebar moustache leered at me and said: ‘You bet, Liebling. Just hitch your skirt up and sit up on that trolley.’”

“The worst thing was that everyone else on the plane just took their cameras out.”

“There are red lines that I won’t allow them to cross – my red lace panty lines,” she said defiantly.

Not all staff agreed with Ms. Varney, however. “Jesus, I’ll work as much overtime as they want now!” guffawed Ellen Feeney (34), slumping exhaustedly on a sofa in the cabin crew lounge after another satisfying flight.

Ellen Feeney reflects on another satisfying day at work.

Ellen Feeney reflects on another satisfying day at work.

“God almighty, we flew an Italian rugby team from Rome to Dublin this evening – I sent a note to the pilot asking him to circle around until the fuel almost ran out.”

“To be honest, we could have crashed and I would barely have noticed,” she said, lighting up a cigarette with a blissful smile on her weary face.

Christoph Müller said he understood some of the staff concerns and was willing to change the new slogans back to just “Aer CunniLingus – Enjoy Your Flight,” but the name change and the pink miniskirts would stay.

Ihre Fotzen gehört uns!” said Müller irritatedly. “Deutschland hat €85 Milliarde für die bezahlt und jetzt können wir mit ihre Fotzen wie wir wollen spielen!”

Looking at the row of blank faces on the Irish reporters in front of him, he sighed and scratched his head. “Look, if you want to understand what’s happening to the Irish economy, you’re just going to have to learn some German,” he said, and left the press conference to see if he could still catch a quickie to Cork.

One Response to Aer Lingus Rebrands Itself Aer CunniLingus as Staff Dispute Intensifies

  1. Tiluriso says:

    Aer Ligus should rename its regional carrier “Aer Llatio”.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: