Mubarak Explains Democracy to Increasingly Despondent Protesters

Cairo – Annoyed by senseless demands for greater democracy and citizen participation in government, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak faced the protesters today to ask them to think seriously about taking the country down such a reckless and destructive path.

Mubarak explained real democracy to a dwindling set of pro-democracy activists.

Mubarak explained real democracy to a dwindling set of pro-democracy activists.

“My fellow Egyptians,” began Mubarak sternly. “I have heard your calls for more democratic government by freely elected representatives of the people. All I have to say to you is this – have you lost your fucking minds?”

Mubarak was speaking on the sixth night of widespread protests against his autocratic rule, as angry demonstrators refused to leave Tahrir Square. Mubarak was originally in favour of the ‘Tiananmen solution’ using his army’s shiny new American tanks, but has been warned by the US that this would provide bad publicity for the American arms industry when it is trying to keep a low profile after the Arizona shootings.

Irritated with being forced to use peaceful methods by lunatic gun-waving American fanatics, Mubarak has reluctantly decided to reason with the protesters.

“Stop chanting for a moment and think about what you’re asking for,” said Mubarak. “You want to choose locally elected representatives to sit in a parliament that then runs the country, and you think this would be a good idea?”

“Let me present Exhibit A: Ireland,” said Mubarak, putting up an image of Brian Cowen on screen. The chanting died off quite quickly as the people of Egypt saw the face of democracy.

Exhibit A: The face of democracy.

Exhibit A: The face of democracy.

“Locally elected representatives?” asked Mubarak. “You would end up voting for the man who promised you a free sheep. He may not know how to run the country, but he can get you a free sheep. That’s how it works in Ireland, and we all know what they do to sheep there.”

“Then your parliament consists of nothing but sheep merchants!” he said. “What do you think will happen next? They will collude with bankers and textile manufacturers to raise the price of wool. Soon, they will be rich and you won’t even have a scratchy wool shirt on your back.

“That’s what happened in Ireland,” concluded Mubarak. “Do you want Egypt to be Ireland, is that what you want?”

The crowd muttered angrily among itself and a few people at the edges drifted away disconsolately. The remainder, however, after a few minutes of heated argument, began chanting, “Obama! Obama!”

Many protesters were happy to accept a free sheep in lieu of democracy.

Many protesters were happy to accept a free sheep in lieu of democracy.

Mubarak rolled his eyes and appealed for silence. “Listen to yourselves!” he exclaimed passionately. “The USA is a country that voted in Obama to raise taxes on the super-rich and spend it on reviving the national economy, then voted in a Republican Congress to cut spending on the national economy and raise the wealth of the super-rich.”

“That’s because the average citizen doesn’t have a fucking clue what he wants, and changes his mind the second he gets the thing he thought he wanted before he had it.”

“And in a democracy the system of checks and balances means that anyone who actually has sensible ideas on governance is equally opposed by a gibbering vegetable – that way everyone has a say in whether or not to press the accelerator or brake as the nation heads for the cliff edge.”

“So what has your precious Obama done for America? What has actually gotten better since he came to power? Can you tell me that?” challenged Mubarak.

Watching the speech on TV, an isolated and dejected Obama concludes that Mubarak has a real point.

Watching the speech on TV, an isolated and dejected Obama concludes that Mubarak has a real point.

“You people are as naïve as the Nobel Peace Prize Committee,” he sneered.

The crowd began arguing among itself again as people began leaving to loot a few supermarkets. Even the hardcore protesters eventually shrugged and admitted that Mubarak had a point.

“You know, I’d never really thought about it,” said Mohammed bin-Khaloud (32) as he made his way home. “But this democracy thing really sounds like a lot more work than I’m willing to do. I mean, I’d have to keep a close eye on the government’s national policies, evaluate their effectiveness, and also evaluate the politicians’ willingness and ability to keep us informed on national issues.”

“Honestly, I just want to pay someone else to do the job so I don’t have to think too much about the price of wool,” he concluded with a weary sigh.

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