Local ‘BusOrg’ Teacher Suffering Existential Crisis

Ennis – As Ireland’s economic crisis filters through to all levels of society, local secondary school Business Organisation teacher Janet Heffernan (31) says that the national economic crisis has become a personal existential crisis as she begins to doubt that her life has any purpose whatsoever.

BusOrg teacher Janet Heffernan comes to terms with the meaninglessness of her profession.

BusOrg teacher Janet Heffernan comes to terms with the meaninglessness of her profession.

“I used to really enjoy teaching,” said Ms. Heffernan after her first class of the day, as she stood outside the school gates dragging deeply from a cigarette she’d confiscated from some students.

“Well, actually, I wouldn’t say enjoy – listening to schoolgirls jabber on about Jedward makes me want to give a thistle a blowjob – but I thought I was at least doing something worthwhile, you know, preparing airhead young twits for an active role in Ireland’s social life as entrepreneurs and business executives.”

“There just doesn’t seem to be any point to it any more,” she said with a sigh before taking a drink from her hip flask.

Ms. Heffernan used to spend hours thinking up innovative new class plans and student projects to help prepare her students at St. Mary’s understand the dynamics of business, but now realises that it’s all as pointless as winning a Fianna Fáil leadership contest.

“I spent hours walking them through the formation of corporations, designing a business strategy, management efficiency, labour laws, and all that bullshit,” said Ms. Heffernan.

“But this is Ireland, for fuck’s sake! What’s the point in filling their heads with such drivel? How will knowledge of best accountancy practices and corporate management structures help them here?”

In class with her Leaving Cert students, Miss Heffernan suddenly erupted out of her drunken stupor to explain the harsh realities.

"It's the logo we came up with for a new Irish business," said Heffernan.

"It's the logo we came up with for a new Irish business," said Heffernan.

“Oh, fuck what the fucking textbook says!” she snapped exasperatedly, throwing the book across the room.

“Look at people like Denis O’Brien, for fuck’s sake! How do you think he got the state to illegally grant his company a mobile phone license? Because of his superior business strategy plan? Like fuck, it was.”

“And just look at the fucking bank guarantee!” she exploded. “The Department of Finance even said in Feb. 2008: ‘As a matter of public policy to protect the interests of taxpayers any requirement to provide open-ended/legally binding State guarantees which would expose the Exchequer to the risk of very significant costs are not regarded as part of the toolkit for successful crisis management and resolution.’”

“Did that stop them doing it? No! And do you know why?”

She stubbed her cigarette out in her whisky glass and then gulped the lot down.

“Go ‘way and practice your short game down at the fucking pitch and putt,” she said. “Go on, stop reading this bullshit in your textbooks. Go fucking practice your golf.”

“There’s an election coming up,” she said. “If you want to learn about successful business strategy in Ireland, then let’s raise some money by whoring our arses around Europe. Then we’ll ‘donate’ the profits to the major political parties.”

“That way whichever prick gets in, we’ll have his balls in our handbags.”

Students said practicing Paris Hilton poses on their desks was the most useful thing they learned in school.

Students said practicing Paris Hilton poses on their desks was the most useful thing they learned in school.

Flinging away a used-up lighter in disgust, she said, “Ah what’s the use? We’re all women – we’ll never be let into the Old Boy’s Club anyway.”

She slumped despondently onto the floor beside the radiator and glowered up at the students, who were busily noting down the first useful pieces of adult advice to ever come their way.

“Ye’re best hope is to get on a reality TV show in England and become celebrities,” she said, to more frantic scribbling. “Here, take these scissors and cut about 5 inches of those skirts.”

“For yer homework I want you to write a summary of yer one-night stands with Cristiano Ronaldo.”

“Then tomorrow we’ll practice how to get your tits out for the cameras,” she concluded, before passing out under her desk.

One Response to Local ‘BusOrg’ Teacher Suffering Existential Crisis

  1. ancruiskeenlawnmower says:

    This is a disgraceful representation of teachers like me who dedicate out lives to the betterment of our students. Yours, Paul Galvin.

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