New Eurovision Song to Revolutionise Music History, claim Jedward

London – “Not since Kevin Debussy’s Prélude à l’après-match d’un faune has there been such a musical sensation as we will unleash on the unsuspecting bourgeois public at the Late Late Show Eurovision special,” claimed John Grimes of Jedward yesterday, haughtily tapping his cigarillo ash onto the floor of the hotel lobby where we met to discuss the duo’s latest groundbreaking foray into the unexplored realms of musical possibility.

I met with Jedward to discuss with them their latest artistic creation, a top secret musical work to be unveiled at the Late Late Show Eurovision special on 11 February, and was instantly struck by the brothers’ natural brilliance and unaffected superority.

Jedward, les enfants terrible of Irish music, explore phantasmagoric atonal worlds in their Eurovision song.

Jedward, les enfants terrible of Irish music, explore phantasmagoric atonal worlds in their Eurovision song.

“To call it a ‘pop-song’ would be to trammel a unique form of art into the pre-existing molds ordained by the high priests of late capitalist decadence,” added Edward disdainfully. “What we’re interested in are soundscapes of the surreal mind, tonal journeys into the phantasmagoric interstitial world between illusion and reality.”

“Not that we expect you to understand,” he added with the melancholy air of misunderstood genius, taking a sip from his wormwood-laced absinthe to ease the pain.

Jedward’s musical gifts and dashing avant-garde hair have inspired worship and resentment in equal measure since they first broke onto the scene on Britain’s The X-Factor show. Simon Cowell famously cut them off after one verse, saying they weren’t “very good and incredibly annoying.”

John snorted with laughter at the memory while Edward simply raised an eyebrow sardonically. “Simon Cowell can’t even tell the difference between the technical piano-playing virtuosity of Charlie Parker and the inspired jazz improvisations of Ike Turner,” said John derisively.

“One might expect better, but then he is only an X-Factor judge.”

"Not very good and incredibly annoying," claimed Cowell, despite the brothers' obvious brilliance.

"Not very good and incredibly annoying," claimed Cowell, despite the brothers' obvious brilliance.

It’s easy to see how Cowell was so spooked by the Brothers Grimes. As they litter our conversation with references to influences as diverse as Brian Mozart, Django Winehardt, Vidal Sassoon, Louis Strongarm, Marty Morrissey, and Diana Ross, I saw how even five minutes in their company is enough to convince one that here are two unique individuals whose prodigious talent threatens to overturn centuries of Western tradition in a radical postmodern assault on the foundations of all we assume is ‘music.’

Jedward’s first single, Under Pressure (Ice Ice Baby), showcased their talents while giving the finger to the Establishment.

“We’ve always been fascinated by the retrogressive harmonics of 1980s music,” said Edward, becoming incredibly animated. “In particular, we’ve always admired the pastiches of Vanilla Ice and the insouciant manner in which he reconstructs original material according to a Schoenbergian dodecaphonic compositional method.”

“We wanted to pay homage to such ideas and extend them by randomising time signatures, jamming extra syllables into the lyrical pattern, and limiting our vocal range to half an octave, thereby breaking the line and the rhythm in a free atonal manner that would shock the desensitised ears of radio listeners into truly hearing the music again.”

So successful were the twins in their endeavour that Sony dropped them after one single.

However, the more visionary music executives at Universal Music immediately signed them up to a three-album deal. On 26 July, their first album Planet Jedward went straight to No. 1, largely due to the spending power of teenagers and children.

“We find that younger listeners are more receptive to our experimental approach to contemporary music,” said John as he put the finishing touches to a tone poem he had absent-mindedly been composing as we spoke. “They are less hidebound by the conventions and formulae of what passes for music among the great unwashed.”

Jedward promised, however, that Planet Jedward was only the prelude to the groundbreaking work they had prepared for the Eurovision.

“It’s impossible to describe in words the harmonic range and intensity of our latest work,” said Jedward, weary of having to explain themselves to the ignorant.

“You’ll just have to wait and hear it for yourselves.”

One Response to New Eurovision Song to Revolutionise Music History, claim Jedward

  1. ancruiskeenlawnmower says:

    Check this out and tell me does the bass player look like Retardward’s da or what?

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