Nation Delighted to Get Its Chance to Give Cowen ‘Confidence’ Vote

Dublin – There was great joy around the country last night as Taoiseach Brian Cowen survived a confidence vote within Fianna Fáil, thereby ensuring that he will have to face the people’s ‘confidence vote’ in a couple of months.

“Couldn’t be happier!” declared Fiona Sheehan (31), an unemployed hairdresser outside a pub in Temple Bar. “The thought that that fat frog was going to slink off the stage before the serious tomato pelting of Fianna Fáil began was eating me up inside.”

Cowen waves to a cheering public, completely misunderstanding why they're so happy.

Cowen waves to a cheering public, completely misunderstanding why they're so happy.

The assembled crowd, while acknowledging that Fianna Fáil as a whole must share the blame for destroying the foundations of the Irish economy, singled out Cowen as the turd who ludicrously agreed to a blanket guarantee of all bank debts without knowing how much those debts were, thereby bankrupting the country and making it a ward of the IMF and the EU.

“Like all Irish people, I want him to be front and centre when we unleash our verdict on his government’s performance and now I know he will be,” said Ms. Sheehan.

“This one’s for you, Biffo!” she said, holding up a particularly large and rancid tomato to cheers of approval from the crowd.

Last night’s vote was part of a curious tribal ritual in which members of Fianna Fáil retreat into a shadow world that seems to be the inverse of reality. As members of Fianna Fáil came out to speak, the crowd watching it all on TV at Maguire’s in Temple Bar puzzled over their statements, amazed at how alien life was in Fianna Fáil-world.

It’s never the wrong time to do the right thing,” declared Cowen pompously, despite his track record showing he has always found the right time to do the wrong thing, thereby maximising the damage it does.

“We have been fighting for the country [and] for its very survival against the greatest economic and financial crisis we have seen in over 80 years,” continued the Taoiseach from his strange parallel Fianna Fáil universe.

The fruits of Fianna Fail's struggle for the country.

The fruits of Fianna Fail's struggle for the country.

After much debate, the people agreed this was Fianna Fáil’s way of saying that they were fighting for what’s left of the country against the greatest economic and financial crisis Fianna Fáil had ever caused in over 80 years.

Government Chief Whip John Curran said, “There’s a line in the sand and we can move forward,” seemingly unaware that to move forward from a line in the sand means walking into the sea in a mass drowning.

Again, after much confusion, the consensus emerged that this was meant positively, because in Fianna Fáil-world everything is the inverse of reality.

“God, it would do your head in listening to them talk,” said Ms. Sheehan’s brother Gavin, who is emigrating to Canada next month. “I mean, what on Earth do they think is going on in this country? Have they no idea what they’ve done to us?”

Up to 150,000 people are expected to emigrate next year, not counting the many immigrants who are simply leaving because there is no more work. With rising taxes, reduced welfare, rising unemployment and falling wages, Ireland is set for years of grinding recession, much of the blame for which lies with the disastrous economic management of Brian Cowen and the Fianna Fáil party.

Salvador Dali made heroic efforts throughout his career to depict Fianna Fail-world.

Salvador Dali made heroic efforts throughout his career to depict Fianna Fail-world.

“The party is united behind Brian Cowen as leader and we move forward with the National Recovery Plan and preparations for a general election,” said Chief Whip John Curran, seemingly jubilant at the idea of a party with a 14% approval rating still being led by a man with an 8% approval rating.

“Brian Cowen is humorous, intelligent, and generous to a fault,” said Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan supportively, seemingly unaware that Cowen’s generosity with the national finances is the fault people are most upset by. The reference to his humour and intelligence was again taken as the inverse of the obvious truth about Cowen’s sulky, anti-intellectual personality.

As the surreal parade of warped realities continued, the public tuned out, happy that Cowen would still be there come election day, when he could face a confidence vote from people who actually live in reality.

“I’ve been waiting a long time for the chance to give him my confidence vote,” concluded Ms. Sheehan with balled fists. “Right in the fucking nuts.”

One Response to Nation Delighted to Get Its Chance to Give Cowen ‘Confidence’ Vote

  1. Pingback: Triumphant Cowen Wields Excalibur at Terror Stricken Cabinet, Dáil « Views from the Lifeboat

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