Robbie Keane Stars in Segway’s “Nobody Wants It But Its Brilliant!” Campaign

London – It’s not all bad news for Robbie Keane this week as the want-away Spurs striker has at least found a plush advertising position as the new face of Segway, the motorised scooter that nobody wants even though its brilliant.

Said Keane, “I’m delighted to be associated with such an innovative, successful product and hope to be as good an ambassador for its as Jason McAteer was for Wash & Go.”

Robbie Keane said he was delighted to be working again.

Robbie Keane said he was delighted to be working again.

“Making the ads should also help keep me busy over the next few months because I’ve got nothing else to do,” he added.

Robbie Keane is Ireland’s record goal scorer, has scored 121 goals in the Premier League over the course of his career, and only a few short years ago was a firm fan favourite at White Hart Lane.

However, Keane’s career began to go wrong after a disastrous 6-month spell at Liverpool, a club renowned as a place where things go badly wrong. Keane managed to escape back to Tottenham, but unfortunately he brought Liverpool’s luck with him and nothing much has gone right for him since.

Keane has fallen out of favour in recent times and now struggles to get picked as a steward for home games or as the reserve bus driver for away matches.

Keane’s attempts to get a transfer to another club have reportedly stalled as Birmingham City said Robbie was a good player, and an even better bus driver, but not worth the money.

Segway previously tried George W. Bush as a spokesman, but he just kept falling off the damn thing.

Segway previously tried George W. Bush as a spokesman, but he just kept falling off the damn thing.

“That’s exactly what drew us to Robbie in the first place,” explained Segway’s UK marketing director Donald Suvari enthusiastically at a sparsely attended press conference. “We needed to relaunch the Segway as a brilliant, highly effective forward-thinking creative product that for some reason just hasn’t been able to make a home for itself in our fickle culture.”

“And we needed a face that encapsulated all that, someone who’s a bit down on his luck through no fault of his own. Well, not entirely his own fault,” he added after a moment’s reflection. “Someone whose face screams, ‘Hey, why not give me another chance?’”

The commercial features a despondent Robbie Keane sitting on the bench at Spurs, looking glumly at much faster, fitter players living the Premiership dream. “They said that my pace had gone, that I didn’t have the legs any more,” said Robbie dolefully in a voiceover. “They said I’d had my chance and hadn’t taken it.”

Then suddenly Dutch playmaker Rafael van der Vaart goes down injured and a frustrated Harry Redknapp turns to the bench and picks out Keane, to an exciting upbeat in the music. “But sometimes when what you’ve got to offer is brilliant, you deserve a second chance,” continues the voiceover determinedly.

There then follows a thrilling sequence as Robbie Keane zips around the field on a Segway while the world’s best players futilely give chase. After winning the ball from Lionel Messi by running over his foot, Keane drives around Wayne Rooney at top speed before beating Nemanja Vidic in a race to the ball, running over Iker Casillas and driving the ball home into the net.

As the advertisement is screened at White Hart Lane, Keane enjoys a laugh from his usual position.

As the advertisement is screened at White Hart Lane, Keane enjoys a laugh from his usual position.

“Segway – Nobody Wants It But Its Brilliant!” screams the tagline as Keane and his Segway are carried from the field by his Spurs teammates to be given the Ballon d’Or and the World Cup.

Keane said that even though it was only thirty seconds long, it took an incredible amount of time to make the commercial.

“You wouldn’t believe how hard those things are to drive!” he joked. “I must have fallen off that wagon more times than Tony Adams. In the end, they just got a stuntman to do most of the driving and the rest is done by Bluescreen.”

Segway says it has stocked up on a million units to meet the coming demand. Keane also hopes that the campaign will put him back in the public eye and he might finally get a transfer to a club that will play him.

“I’ll even drive the bus if you let me play,” he pleaded. “I really don’t want to have to ride those things again.”

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