After Seeing Latest Poll, Fianna Fáil Calls For Abolition of the Dáil

Dublin – After seeing the latest opinion polls, Fianna Fáil is considering holding a referendum to abolish the Dáil on the same day as the upcoming general election.

Taoiseach Brian Cowen confirmed yesterday that the government was looking seriously at reforming the political system to make it more accountable, efficient, and representative of Fianna Fáil.

Cowen argued that any system that wouldn't elect him needed substantial reform.

Cowen argued that any system that wouldn't elect him needed substantial reform.

“The latest poll findings showing Fianna Fáil at a historic low of 14% have convinced myself and the other members of our party that radical political reform is necessary to ensure that 21st century Ireland has the modern Fianna Fáil government it needs,” said Cowen, grimacing at the masses of foul unwashed it was his burden to lead.

“I know we made some rumblings a couple of weeks ago about abolishing the Seanad. That was just an attempt to distract everyone from the balls we made of running the country. This time we mean business,” bellowed Biffo, making each sentence simple and direct for the benefit of the retarded mongoloid voters whose approval the current dysfunctional system ridiculously forced him to seek.

“We must face up to the need for fundamental reform of our banjaxed system,” he said, admiring his own soaring rhetoric. “We need to get the right people into government. And as the right people are all in Fianna Fáil, we need to have a system which will elect us.”

“By these criteria, our current system just isn’t working.”

The economic crisis in Ireland has rapidly turned into a political crisis as the government’s ineptitude, the total absence of parliamentary oversight, and the general feeling that a good cup of tea will make everyone feel better combined to bankrupt the country.

Many TDs agree that the Dail is irrelevant, as they never show up there anyway.

Many TDs agree that the Dail is irrelevant, as they never show up there anyway.

Understandably, many people feel that only a complete overhaul of the political system can prevent similar disasters in future.

“Fianna Fáil has listened to the people’s demands for reform,” declared Cowen. “We understand that there are deep problems with our democracy, and the root source of those problems lies with the democratic representatives you voted for.”

“That’s why we plan to abolish democratic representation. Let’s face it – it hasn’t worked particularly well, and we always get the people we want into positions of power anyway.”

“For the 21st century, Fianna Fáil plans to streamline our democratic institutions by eliminating the senseless tradition of electing local representatives to a national parliament. What do these culchies know about running the country? What do they know about high finance and economics and the PDG and the GPS per capita?”

“From now on, we propose that Fianna Fáil simply assume governance of the nation as a given. This will allow us to handpick qualified individuals to spend your money wisely, giving Ireland better, fairer, more democratic government by Fianna Fáil.”

"Ours is a symbiotic relationship with the Irish people," said Fianna Fail.

"Ours is a symbiotic relationship with the Irish people," said Fianna Fail.

Fianna Fáil has been in government for 63 of the last 77 years, during which time it has successfully crippled Ireland’s development by fastening its teeth into every pulsing vein and leeching the lifeblood out of the nation and into its own swollen, pus-filled, suppurating skin.

Now the party is terrified that the Irish people may finally have plucked up the courage to tear out the tentacles of corruption and cronyism that fasten Fianna Fáil into the nation’s flesh.

“We view our relationship with you, the filthy peasantry, as symbiotic rather than parasitic,” said Cowen magnanimously, his attempt to smile benevolently failing to conceal the curled lip of cold disdain. “You need what Fianna Fáil gives you – a sense of your own victimhood.”

“Without us, you’d have to face up to your own role in the crisis, and do you really want that?”

“This election, vote Fianna Fáil and vote to abolish the Dáil. Then make yourselves a good cup of tea and you’ll feel better,” said Cowen, as he hurried off to a golf appointment with some senior bank executives.

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