Enterprise Ireland Invests Remaining Cash in Video Rental Industry

Dublin – Only the most desperate gambler takes a punt on green at the roulette table.

But it seems that is where we are at, as today Enterprise Ireland announced that it would be backing green by sinking all of its remaining funds into an Irish video rental business.

"Our new video rental chain already looks like a winner," said Hayes approvingly.

"Our new video rental chain already looks like a winner," said Hayes approvingly.

“After many months of exhaustive research, we at Enterprise Ireland have decided to go all in with Ireland’s most promising new business venture,” said Gráinne Hayes (47), the head of Enterprise Ireland. “We have surveyed the field of proposals, done research into market position, potential for growth, and market demand and decided that a new video rental chain is the best hope for indigenous Irish industry.”

“Now that industry giants Blockbuster have gone bankrupt, there’s even more potential in this market than ever!” she added optimistically. “People love watching movies, and without a video rental chain how will they see them?”

“It’s not like they can just watch them for free somehow.”

Asked why she thought Blockbuster had filed for bankruptcy, Ms. Hayes replied dismissively: “Who knows? But their difficulty is our opportunity.”

“Rest assured,” she said confidently. “We at Enterprise Ireland are committed to getting value for the public’s money! We have here a team of Ireland’s sharpest minds in market research, product development, and advertising.”

“Investing in video rental is a key element of our strategy for a smart economy.”

Enterprise Ireland's logo literally smirks, gives Ireland the finger.

Enterprise Ireland's logo literally smirks, gives Ireland the finger.

As a government-backed organisation dedicated to engorging itself at the expense of workers who actually produce something, Enterprise Ireland has long been a symbol of the Celtic Tiger.

In 2008, Enterprise Ireland spent two-thirds of its budget on itself, and only one-third on investing in Irish businesses. Out of a total budget of €160 million devoted to developing Irish industry, €100 million went on salaries and bonuses for the staff of Enterprise Ireland.

“That expenditure is completely justified!” snapped Ms. Hayes in response to queries. “We used it to create jobs – our jobs. And we often went abroad to spend the taxpayers’ money on research trips, thereby spreading the idea through our presence that Ireland was a wealthy, modern country. €100 million well spent, if you ask me.”

Asked to explain what she meant by ‘smart’ economy, Ms. Hayes began brightly and then had curious difficulty finding synonyms.

“By ‘smart’ economy, we mean one where the money is targeted, rather than squandered, especially on inefficient government organisations,” she said. “By ‘smart,’ we mean an economy where investment is, you know, smart.”

“Not that we invested stupidly before,” she added hastily, looking around for a thesaurus. “But, you know, by ‘smart’ we mean that we would think more before we invested €50 million of the taxpayers’ money into some magic beans. We would be smarter about things. You know – smart.”

Enterprise Ireland executives wonder what that thing is.

Enterprise Ireland executives wonder what that thing is.

“That’s partly why we have to spend €100 million every year on ourselves. It makes us smarter.”

“There’s no point in just giving that money to Irish entrepreneurs,” she said. “We don’t know if they’re smart or not. That’s why we have to keep it for ourselves. We know we’re smart.”

“After all,” she added smugly, “We pay ourselves €100 million a year of your money, thereby absorbing for ourselves the venture capital that might otherwise go the entrepreneurs we don’t give it to.”

“I’d say that’s pretty smart.”

Enterprise Ireland also announced bold new expansion plans for itself, which meant there would be no more grants to entrepreneurs over the next five years.

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