Pakistan Worried About Political Violence, Instability in the USA

Islamabad – These are worrying times in Pakistan, as political violence strongly influenced by religious fundamentalism and fuelled by the inflammatory rhetoric of demagogues threatens to destabilise the nation’s key ally in the War on Terror, America.

In an official statement today, President Arif Zardari said: “We in Pakistan are extremely worried about the increasingly polemical rhetoric and calls for violent action in American politics. We call on all Americans to respect everyone’s democratic rights and work together to secure peace and stability.”

President Zardari called on the USA to respect basic human rights by not arming crazies.

President Zardari called on the USA to respect basic human rights by not arming crazies.

The USA has recently been rocked by the shooting of Democratic congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords and the murder of 6 bystanders, including a nine year-old girl. Commentators were quick to blame the shooting on the poisonous political atmosphere of open insurrection associated with the powerful Tea Party movement, which favours immediate armed conflict with the Soviet Union, the complete dismantling of all forms of governance within the sovereign and impenetrable borders of the USA, and mass suicide to hasten the Second Coming of Jesus.

“We know that Christianity is a religion of peace,” continued Zardari. “We respect Christian values and know that the 50 million fundamentalist evangelicals in the USA are not representative of the teachings of Jesus and the Bible.”

“We call on President Obama to do more to restrain these radical Christian sects and prevent them spreading their message of violence and hate.”

President Zardari’s call for peace and stability was welcomed across the Pakistani political spectrum.

“The USA is a critical region of the world for Pakistani security,” said former president Pervez Musharraf. “If these acts of insanity continue then hundreds of nuclear warheads could fall into the hands of radical fundamentalists.”

Sarah Palin admits she doesn't know exactly where Washington is, but with a nuke you only need the right ballpark.

Sarah Palin admits she doesn't know exactly where Washington is, but with a nuke you only need the right ballpark.

“Can you imagine Sarah Palin with her finger on the button?” he asked in disbelief. “I’d rather give those WMDs to Osama bin Laden. At least he can find Washington on a map; Palin could shoot those things anywhere.”

Many Pakistanis believed that President Zardari’s appeals are futile, however. “Christianity is a fundamentally intolerant, apocalyptic religion,” declared Imam Moqtada al-Birani. “We have seen Christian armies invade Muslim lands for centuries, killing, raping, and pillaging in the name of their God. The facts speak for themselves.”

“And their heaven doesn’t have 72 virgins in it!” he exclaimed in disbelief. “What else would you like to spend eternity doing other than making love to beautiful young women? What exactly do they plan to do in heaven that will make them so happy?”

“It’s all this repression of normal, healthy sexual fantasies that drives them to radical politics,” concluded Imam al-Birani.

"Now THAT is a sensible, healthy vision of heaven," said al-Birani, disrobing.

"Now THAT is a sensible, healthy vision of heaven," said al-Birani, disrobing.

Local woman Rubeena Khoteimi (42) said that there was a limit to what Pakistan could do to prevent the USA becoming more unstable.

“It is an alien culture,” she said simply. “I really don’t understand those people at all. I mean, they want every citizen to have the right to bear arms; why, in the name of Allah, when they obviously can’t be trusted to use them responsibly? You’d think taking away the right to bear arms, given how often Americans shoot each other, would be the first thing on everyone’s mind.”

“Peace is an easy thing – just don’t shoot anyone,” said Mrs. Khoteimi. “But America’s not ready for such a message.”

As if to prove Mrs. Khoteimi right, President Barack Obama immediately issued a populist response, saying Pakistan should keep its nose out of other countries’ business.

“America’s business is no business of yours,” said Obama. “If we want to shoot ourselves down to the last free man standing, then that’s the American Way. Stay out of it.”

Republicans immediately criticised Obama for not adding “or else!” and called on all patriots to bear arms and secede from the Union.

One Response to Pakistan Worried About Political Violence, Instability in the USA

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention Pakistan Worried About Political Violence, Instability in the USA « Views from the Lifeboat -- Topsy.com

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