‘Where’s Mary?’ Asks Public as FF Denies Harney Conspiracy

Dublin – Talk of a conspiracy deepened last night as Taoiseach Brian Cowen made a midnight statement saying that Minister for Health and Children Mary Harney was “absolutely fine and simply out of the public eye because she has been so busy with her work.”

There has been an increasing amount of concern about the unpopular Minister Harney, as in recent weeks she has been unwilling to come out and take her public shaming like a grown woman.

"Rumours that FF made Harney dig her own grave are greatly exaggerated," said Cowen.

"Rumours that FF made Harney dig her own grave are greatly exaggerated," said Cowen.

Harney has been consistently unpopular for closing hospital wards, leaving hundreds of elderly patients sleeping on trolleys, and then using the money saved to fly herself to Florida on a government jet for a haircut.

Never before has Harney simply refused to come out and let the public throw eggs and red paint at her, though, but as yet another scandal breaks in the Health Service, the public was treated to the strange sound of the Minister for Agriculture appearing on RTE radio to defend the government’s health policies.

“What do you think we are, a bunch of cattle?” asked the bewildered host, as Minister Brendan Smith appeared unexpectedly in studio, saying that vets were very overworked and couldn’t be expected to get to every old farmer in time.

In an effort to stamp out the growing conspiracy theories, Fianna Fáil decided that it would make an official statement, showing once again how out of touch it is with the national mood.

“There is nothing wrong with Minister Harney,” said Cowen, pouring petrol on the raging flames of rumour. “There is no truth in the allegation that Fianna Fáil are attempting to cover something up in order to hang onto its slim majority in the Dáil. Minister Harney is alive and well and hard at her work.”

After that wilful act of arson, rumour spread like a raging Australian bushfire.

"Ajai Chopra of the IMF is most definitely not in Dublin," said Cowen on Nov. 18.

"Ajai Chopra of the IMF is most definitely not in Dublin," said Cowen on Nov. 18.

“Never believe anything until it has been officially denied,” wrote one letter writer to the Independent. “And if it has been absolutely denied by Fianna Fáil, know that it must be 100% true.”

“That is absolutely not true!” thundered Cowen in response to such statements.

Sadly for Cowen, past history seems to be on the public’s side. On Nov. 14 Minister Dermot Ahern said: “Reports of bailout talks are ‘fiction.’ Nothing is going on at the direction of government on this.” On Nov. 15, Dick Roche declared there was “no reason whatsoever why Ireland should seek external support.” On Nov. 16 Taoiseach Brian Cowen declared, “Ireland has made no application for external support,” and on Nov. 17 stated, “we are not involved in negotiations and we are not involved in negotiations.”

On Nov. 18 the IMF team checked into the Merrion Hotel across the road from the Taoiseach’s office.

“Yeah, well, it all happened very quickly,” said Cowen sulkily.

Cowen’s statement at least assuaged all fears that Harney might be alive and well. “She must have snuffed it, so,” declared local man Ted Gilfoyle (41). “Which is a good indication of where our health service is after 7 years of being run by Mary Harney.”

The public is demanding proof that, wherever Harney is, she won't come back.

The public is demanding proof that, wherever Harney is, she won't come back.

“Twas probably something simple, too, like a cough,” he added. “And they say there’s no poetic justice any more.”

Another woman felt it was time Fianna Fáil came clean and told the people where the body was buried. “You can’t just stick a dead body in a freezer somewhere and pretend it’s alive just so you can hang onto power!” said Judy Watson (25) indignantly. “That would just be the most immoral, outrageous, disgraceful, shameful act in the history of Fianna Fáil…”

Her voice trailed off as she realised who she was talking about. “Oh, Jesus, we’d better call the EU and ask them to send in an investigative team to find out the truth,” she said resignedly.

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