Ipswich Players, Fans, Terrified by Sacking of Roy Keane

Ipswich – It has been a long, sleeplessness night for all those associated with Ipswich Town FC, knowing that somewhere out in the darkness the vengeful spirit of Roy Keane waits patiently to get his own back on those who have betrayed him and his footballing beliefs.

Roy Keane responds to news that he has been sacked.

Roy Keane responds to news that he has been sacked.

The terror began yesterday morning when Ipswich Town chief executive Simon Clegg stammered his way hastily through a statement desperately attempting to mollify the impending wrath of Keane.

“I have to say this is a sad day for Ipswich Town FC and for me both on a personal and professional level” said Clegg, casting worried looks over his shoulder. “I would like to thank Roy Keane for his efforts, his dedication and his support and professionalism over the last 20 months and for the dignified way in which he has handled this difficult situation.”

Clegg then spoke the words the people of Ipswich had been dreading: “I can confirm that Ipswich Town FC have amicably terminated the contract of our manager Roy Keane with immediate effect.”

A BBC Suffolk reporter screamed in fright while a journalist for a local newspaper began giggling insanely and ran to hide in a corner. Even those with stouter hearts huddled together, looking apprehensively at the doors and windows for any sign of Keane’s baleful presence.

Clegg rushed through the rest of his speech as he pulled his coat on and got ready to make a run for it. “His reaction to the news is… one of disappointment and sadness, coupled with an acknowledgement of the opportunity he was given and support he has received and he has wished us the best and good luck,” he said, eyes wide with fear as cold beads of sweat broke out on his pale forehead.

Clegg then vomited out of sheer anxiety and led the crush for the door, while the journalist driven mad with fear cackled insanely and howled lunatic prophecies of doom over the trampled bodies of the fallen.

Keane continues to lurk in the darkness, striking fear in the heart of Suffolk.

Keane continues to lurk in the darkness, striking fear in the heart of Suffolk.

The announcement sparked widespread panic across Suffolk.

“He’s out there, Jesus, he’s out there somewhere,” babbled Ipswich Town fan Jeremy Faltingham (32) as he peered out through the chink in his curtains and started in fear at the sight of the burning red brake lights of a car fleeing town and racing for the Channel Tunnel.

“You don’t know what he’s like. One day at the football I decided to buy myself a prawn sandwich at half time. I thought, ‘how would he know?’ Then as I was munching happily I looked down at the dugout and there he was, staring right at me with those eyes, picking me out of a crowd of 25,000 people.”

“I’ll bet he’s on his way here right now,” said Faltingham, his teeth chattering. “Let’s make a run for it, come on, wake the kids!” he shouted to his wife, Helen.

“Jeremy, stop and think about it,” replied Helen. “Don’t you see that’s just a rash and pointless act?”

“He’s Roy Keane, he’d track us down wherever we went,” she continued listlessly. “Let’s just turn the gas on, and spend some final time with the children.”

“The best we can offer them now is a peaceful death,” she added hopelessly.

Roy Keane notes the identity of another prawn sandwich eater.

Roy Keane notes the identity of another prawn sandwich eater.

Many Ipswich players have already reached the same decision. “I missed a great chance on goal against Nottingham Forest last Monday,” read the suicide note of Troy Brown. “Maybe if I had scored, things would have been different for Roy Keane. And he knows that.”

Brown committed suicide by roping his testicles to two drug-maddened stallions, which pulled him five miles across thistle-covered fields before galloping under the blades of a combine harvester, which chopped and mangled Brown’s body into an unrecognisable lump of twisted and bloodied flesh.

“Don’t cry for me; I have simply chosen a less painful way to go,” concluded the note.

The Suffolk police said they were powerless to stop Keane, but they would offer a quick and painless end to anyone who couldn’t take the strain any more.

One Response to Ipswich Players, Fans, Terrified by Sacking of Roy Keane

  1. Gombeen Man says:

    Scary times indeed in East Anglia. If they’ve any sense, they’ll all be hopping on their tractors and fleeing for the hills!!!

    Oh. Hang on. There are no hills out that way, are there?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: