Irish Farmers’ Party Demands Independence from EU, Higher Subsidies

Nenagh, Tipperary – The newly formed Irish Farmers’ Party held its AGM in Nenagh yesterday, launching a populist programme that calls for Ireland to reclaim its independence from the EU and IMF, and higher subsidies.

Gerard Moynihan (55), chairman of the executive committee, said, “Ireland fought long and hard for independence and particularly those of us in the countryside who did most of the fighting, unlike those townies who just did all the jawing with the English afterwards.”

The 1st Armoured Tractor Division prepares to drive out the EU, once it saves family farms.

The 1st Armoured Tractor Division prepares to drive out the EU, once it saves family farms.

“That’s why it pains us greatly to see Ireland now relying completely on the mercy of foreign handouts. We propose that Ireland split with the EU, boot out the IMF, and reclaim the independent Ireland of Collins and de Valera!” he cried, to roars of approval.

“We would also like to campaign for higher EU subsidies for farmers to help us through the economic crisis,” he added briskly, to general nods of assent that this demand was taken as read and required no discussion.

Irish farmers have benefited greatly from cash payments under the Common Agricultural Policy (CAP), a mechanism by which French farmers can threaten the French government with complete anarchy unless it screws money out of the rest of Europe.

The threat of militant French farmers yet again stampeding cattle through the EU parliament in Strasbourg has had tremendous knock-on benefits for the Irish farming community. In 2008, official figures showed that subsidies were responsible for 71% of farm profits in Ireland and that in the midlands subsidies accounted for 105.4% of profits, which is mathematically impossible.

“Many farmers in the midlands actually operate at a loss,” explained an anonymous Department of Agriculture official. “But we top them up so they break even.”

"Actually, EU milk policy is our income, but we're still going to stampede cattle through the parliament," said Mr. Moynihan.

"Actually, EU milk policy is our income, but we're still going to stampede cattle through the parliament," said Mr. Moynihan.

“Then we put a big fat cherry on top of that top up so they’re actually quite well off,” he added.

“That’s just plain business sense!” objected Mr. Moynihan brusquely when confronted with the figures. “If I’m going to run a dairy farm and produce milk and butter no one wants to buy, then the EU has to pay me to stop. Otherwise all those dairy products would just go to waste, and where’s the sense in that?”

“Now I can use the subsidies to buy more land to help me produce less milk and butter, thereby raising my profit margin as subsidies are measured per acre. And if the farmers of Ireland are increasing their profits, surely this is good news for the rest of the country?”

“Some of those spongers living off the dole could go out and get some of the jobs we’re creating through our hard work,” he added self-righteously.

The Irish Farmers’ Party criticised the Irish government for not paying attention to sound economic fundamentals during the boom, thus leaving the country hopelessly exposed to the global recession.

“All those bankers and property developers got totally carried away by the flood of cheap money,” declared Mr. Moynihan. “And all those lads in Dublin were off living way beyond their means. You have to pay attention to the basics and make sure you have more money coming in than going out.”

"If any of them show up looking for that €85 billion, Sheila will give them what for," said Moynihan proudly.

“Otherwise you’ll end up owing everything you own to the EU, and without them you’d be penniless. Sure, at that point, you may as well give up calling yourself a sovereign republic. The Irish Farmers’ Party is dedicated to restoring Ireland’s sovereignty through sound fiscal policies.”

When pressed to explain what these policies were, Mr. Moynihan said simply, “We just won’t pay the €85 billion back. Why should we? We’ve been getting subsidy cheques from them for years and we’ve never paid any of them back.”

“If they want their money back, just let them try and come and get it!” he shouted defiantly, brandishing a pitchfork with the psychotic glare of a French farmer charging down the Champs Elysées towards a squad of riot police.

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